So...uhh...I'm adopted (sorta)

[lightsout]

So, I just found out that the man I call dad is actually the man who adopted me shortly after birth.

Basically, my mom was married to a guy before him. She had a son with him. Then she got pregnant with me. Then got divorced during that pregnancy and met the man I call dad.

24 years and nobody ever told me. I've "known" for like, 15 years though. I pieced it together as I got older. My biological dad always treated me really well whenever I was around him, and I distinctly remember after hanging out with my brother at his house one weekend my mom asking "so, do you have any questions?". I said no, because I didn't really know what to ask. But from that point on, it sort of bothered me. Then, as I got older and learned about genetics, I realized that I have FAR too many common traits with my brother, who I was told has a separate father, and then I realized I looked NOTHING like my "dad".


For all intents and purposes, the dad I ended up with IS my dad. He's always done well by me. Always been there. He has been great my whole life. But at the same time, I'm pissed at all 3 parties, as they each have had 24 years to tell me the truth about where I come from.

I had all of this verified by my uncle earlier who knew I knew and roundabout told me, "if you have questions, I have answers. But I think you know what that answer is already". 


Do I go to my mom with this? Or to my dad? Or my biological dad? I have no idea how to even process this. It sort of trips me out a bit and I don't really know WHO to talk to.

[Proudiddy]

So, I just found out that the man I call dad is actually the man who adopted me shortly after birth.

Basically, my mom was married to a guy before him. She had a son with him. Then she got pregnant with me. Then got divorced during that pregnancy and met the man I call dad.

24 years and nobody ever told me. I've "known" for like, 15 years though. I pieced it together as I got older. My biological dad always treated me really well whenever I was around him, and I distinctly remember after hanging out with my brother at his house one weekend my mom asking "so, do you have any questions?". I said no, because I didn't really know what to ask. But from that point on, it sort of bothered me. Then, as I got older and learned about genetics, I realized that I have FAR too many common traits with my brother, who I was told has a separate father, and then I realized I looked NOTHING like my "dad".

For all intents and purposes, the dad I ended up with IS my dad. He's always done well by me. Always been there. He has been great my whole life. But at the same time, I'm pissed at all 3 parties, as they each have had 24 years to tell me the truth about where I come from.

I had all of this verified by my uncle earlier who knew I knew and roundabout told me, "if you have questions, I have answers. But I think you know what that answer is already". 

Do I go to my mom with this? Or to my dad? Or my biological dad? I have no idea how to even process this. It sort of trips me out a bit and I don't really know WHO to talk to.

 

Man, before I even got to the end, I was gonna ask you, aren't you pissed off with your mom???  I haven't dealt with anything like who my real parent(s) were/are, but I've had other stuff that my parents didn't tell me entirely about for years, and then when I found out as an adult, I felt crushed.  When I've heard from others how their parents lied to them about such things, it makes me angry for them too. 

 

A great deal of our identities are in what our parents construct for us as children.  So, when you live your life believing one thing they tell you and then finding out another, it is jarring.  And I understand parents that do this want to "protect" their children from whatever they feel is hurtful in the truth, but my philosophy has long been to deal with the pain immediately rather than prolong it and make it worse.  That's my take on your situation, as it was my own and any of my friends who have dealt with something similar.  I cannot understand what the logic is in hiding something like that from a child?  Just tell them the truth and let them cope with it as they grow...

 

I would definitely take it up with your mother and biological father.  I think your adoptive father just played the role he was asked to play, and he played it well according to you.  Sure, he could've told you, but I'm sure he felt that wasn't his place if your biological parents didn't want him to and he was already acting as your father.

 

 

[lightsout]

Man, before I even got to the end, I was gonna ask you, aren't you pissed off with your mom???  I haven't dealt with anything like who my real parent(s) were, but I've had other stuff that my parents didn't tell me entirely about for years, and then when I found out as an adult, I felt crushed.  When I've heard from others how their parents lied to them about such things, it makes me angry for them too. 

 

A great deal of our identities are in what our parents construct for us as children.  So, when you live your life believing one thing they tell you and then finding out another, it is jarring.  And I understand parents that do this want to "protect" their children from whatever they feel is hurtful in the truth, but my philosophy has long been to deal with the pain immediately rather than prolong it and make it worse.  That's my take on your situation, as it was my own and any of my friends who have dealt with something similar.  I cannot understand what the logic is in hiding something like that from a child?  Just tell them the truth and let them cope with it as they grow...

 

I would definitely take it up with your mother and biological father.  I think your adoptive father just played the role he was asked to play, and he played it well according to you.  Sure, he could've told you, but I'm sure he felt that wasn't his place if your biological parents didn't want him to and he was already acting as your father.

 

 

Exactly. "Jarred" is a good word to describe how I'm feeling right now. Like I said, I pieced it together over time, but thought since the birth certificate I have says the same last name as dad, I was just mistaken. Then I thought, "well, they COULD change that record". But still, having to go through life building an identity only to be told that the basis for that identity wasn't "full", it just feels like "well poo...who am I? What have I potentially missed out on?" And then, what is the biological history I have on that side of the family? Is there anything I need to know as far as health concerns?

I don't think I'll bring it up to dad. I don't know how he'd take me knowing and if he'd think that I would view him differently in that light. I guess I just need to talk to my mom and see what the hell is up and why she never told me. There's nothing to protect me from outside of uncovering the truth and having to explain what went wrong in that marriage that caused the situation to begin with. 

[lightsout]

Another report I just heard is that the cheating that lead to the divorce aforementioned in the OP lead to a dispute over who my dad was. The guy my mom was married to/divorcing wanted a paternity test, but she wouldn't do it. And in the struggle of all of that, my dad adopted me anyway and then he married my mom.


So, it could be that my biological dad is the dad I've called dad all along. OR, it could be that there is some 3rd dude that none of us fuging know and have no way of tracking down.

Basically, it's a cluster fug.

[jasonluckydog]

wow..stayed tuned into what happens next on Days of Our Life huddle edition.

[SmokinwithWilly]

I think you should probably talk to your mom first. There may have been reasons she didn't tell you that have nothing to do with you. I would venture to say part of the reason may be because she felt a good deal of shame/embarrassment for even being in that situation. I can't imagine as a father how hard it would be to try to explain to one of my girls how I could still love her as much as I do even though I am not her birth father. I don't pretend to understand how you feel, but it might help to hear her side and why she did what she did.

[Anybodyhome]

I'd definitely talk to Mom since it seems she was making the decisions throughout the entire period before your birth. But please remember you're both adults and she had her reasons for making the decisions she did. But she and your biological father both owe you an explanation, especially since everyone concerned is still involved in your life.

[Rise of The Hive]

Talk to your mama.

[lightsout]

Preemptive.

[Happy Panther]

 I distinctly remember after hanging out with my brother at his house one weekend my mom asking "so, do you have any questions?". I said no, because I didn't really know what to ask. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had all of this verified by my uncle earlier who knew I knew and roundabout told me, "if you have questions, I have answers. But I think you know what that answer is already". 

 

Sounds like your Mom and Uncle have both offered to answer any questions you have.

 

So ask 'em

[lightsout]

Sounds like your Mom and Uncle have both offered to answer any questions you have.

 

So ask 'em

The problem with asking my mom is that she's a known liar about this sort of stuff.

My uncle has told me all he knows of the situation. My dad found out I know now and called. He seemed a bit upset. He explained that at 6 months after I was born, the adoption was finalized and everything (not sure if they made the decision at birth or sometime later, but he said it was done at 6 months). He then said what you'd expect any father to say in this situation, "you're my son". I reassured him and everything and I think he's good now. He explained further saying he wanted to tell me a few times, but didn't want to upset me, which is understandable. I didn't pry further into details because he's a 67 year old man who helped raise me for 24 years and I didn't want to upset him further.

So, I might have to ask my mother, but I'm not sure that I will. I might just let the situation die and see if I can just get along fine. There's a part of me that was a bit confused and "weird" most of the day today, but I have to keep reminding myself that i have a last name and a family and that is what matters.

[Happy Panther]

So, I might have to ask my mother, but I'm not sure that I will. I might just let the situation die and see if I can just get along fine. There's a part of me that was a bit confused and "weird" most of the day today, but I have to keep reminding myself that i have a last name and a family and that is what matters.

 

That was going to be my first question...how much does it matter? I'm guessing human nature wants to make you want to know. But at the same time you said the guy who you consider dad was a good guy.

 

I can't relate but logic says maybe it doesn't matter.

 

It is your right to know so I wouldn't feel bad at all if you want to get to the bottom of it.

[332nd]

I can't blame you for being pissed. I was adopted too, & I've known since I can remember.

 

Having said that, I can think of a few reasons why they wouldn't want to tell you. From the fact that some people are out & out retarded when it comes to adoption, (I've had people ask me if I really loved my parents, ask y parents if the really loved me with me standing right there.) to the possibility that there was some serious friction at the beginning, to fear. (Some people HATE the fact that they are adopted.)

 

My advice would be to to confront the person you think will be the most honest with you & won't freak out, and tell them that they need to get everyone together for a sit down. It might get ugly, but you are owed the truth.

 

ETA: Ok, I just read your last post. You know the people involved far better than I do, so go with you gut... But my 2cents is that if someone passes on without you clearing the air, it's gonna weigh on you. Grain of salt & all that.