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I left my shart in San Francisco

ItsNotGonnaBeAlright

By ItsNotGonnaBeAlright,
in Carolina Panthers

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Montsta Community Regular

Montsta

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Since our resident smack talking king, SCP, is taking the week off due to some form of daylight savings hangover (hey, even the best get a bye week), it's fallen to the rest of the Huddle to take up the charge against a handful of irritating boils that have sprung up lately. You can tell them by their obsessive use of the numbers four and nine in their usernames even though it's a fair bet not a damn one of them could tell you the history behind the name of their supposed football team of choice. I'd lay money that has more to do with the fact that five years ago they were die hard Chargers fans since powder blue goes with more outfits than blood red and fool's gold.

San Francisco is an interesting place. It's the setting of the most abysmal documentary ever recorded, one that showed that 1 out of three men in the area were either failed Canadian comedians, single fathers, or John Stamos attempting to be sexy. It's a city that prides itself on being the "biggest small town" in America, but what it actually pulls off is being the largest suburb in America. There's literally no one who lives in San Francisco who actually works in San Francisco, at least not at a job they're proud of having. The major feature the city boasts is a bridge, which in the common tounge is known a "road with ropes made for suicide". Unlike various "bridges to nowhere" around the country, the famous bridge in San Francisco ends in a place much worse: the birthplace of Pete Carroll. Their solution to this was to try building another bridge for roughly ten billion dollars and fail at it. The only other things San Francisco is known for is having a public transportation system more fuged up than MARTA and being the only city in California where you can catch hypothermia in July. Perhaps if they could just figure out a way clean up the smell of urine left by their robust homeless population, people might actually consider moving there for more than a job with a fly by night tech start up that will be out of business in six weeks. The only other tourist attraction worth mentioning is the fact that the planet hates the area so much that it's constantly trying to get away.

Politically speaking, San Francisco voluntarily chooses to remain in California, and that's about the best you can say. California is best known recently as a state that couldn't legalize marijuana, had to be court ordered to like gay people, and still managed to find way to spend more money than they had on both problems. Granted, NC may not be much better, but at least we don't parade around as some haven of liberal tolerance. This is a state that managed to elect both Ronald Reagan and Arnold Getaneasiernametospell as governors. This is mainly to blame on the fact that Hollywood is somewhere in the area. Hollywood, which when translated from the ancient Costanoan roughly means "geographic venereal disease". To fully appreciate California politics, one needs only understand that "inflation" means that someone will eventually spend a trillion dollars making the exact same piece of crap movie that got released last weekend.

The 49'ers, as a team, seem to have a motto of "yeah but". Take for instance their dead last rating when it comes to passing offense. Everyone says "yeah but what's his name is injured". Because God knows, you need at least three pro bowl caliber receiving threats on the field at all times in order to stay relevent. Simply having Vernon Davis and Anquan Boldin couldn't possibly cut it for anyone else. There's other things to be said about this squad, but that's pretty much all that matters. Even though they went to the Super Bowl last year and have a winning record, this team and their fanbase is all about making excuses.

As for the game, San Francisco is due a reckoning for making a hero out of a back up quarterback. That reckoning comes in a form of one of their own shunned warriors, Ted Ginn. Look for The Revenge Of Ginn to be a five touchdown blockbuster when he takes one to the house on both a kickoff and punt return while also catching to 50+ yard bombs and rushing one in on an end around. Meanwhile, Cam Newton also manages to find Greg Olsen for another touchdown, and Mike Tolbert literally carries the limping corpse of Aldon Smith in with him for yet another. On defense, Melvin White records his first career pick six while Frank Gore records his first career game with negative yardage. Late in the game, Graham Gano kicks a 57 yard field goal in garbage time just to see if he can.

I'm no SCP, and I know a few others have tried, but in the spirit of the old NFC West rivalry, I couldn't just let this week slide by. The national media is expecting a team that has been thriving on a string of easy opponents to get exposed in this game, and while that will be true, it won't be the team everyone is predicting.

Panthers - 59

Minors - 10

California - loses money

As a lifelong Californian and SF Bay Area native, many of the points in this smack hit close to home and are spot on. fug San Francisco.

10/10 would read again

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GRWatcher Mentor

GRWatcher

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I'm no SCP, and I know a few others have tried, but in the spirit of the old NFC West rivalry, I couldn't just let this week slide by. The national media is expecting a team that has been thriving on a string of easy opponents to get exposed in this game, and while that will be true, it won't be the team everyone is predicting.

 

 

Aw, thank you! When JR was awarded a team, the only thing I wanted them to do was beat the 49er's. I was fine with being in the NFC West. They were smug, arrogant, and crooked. A pack of criminals from the then owner down. Now they're just plain irrelevant to me. I don't hate them; I just don't give a flying crap about them.

 

Good job, INGBA, good job.

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