advice

[Darth Biscuit]

i'm interested in what cat/darth biscuit have to say about this, as they've both expressed similar backgrounds and conflict before

 

Philly... I definitely have some opinions, but we'll see about the advice...  let me gather my thoughts and I'll put something together tomorrow...

 

Currently in a hotel in Florida getting ready for a Saturday morning meeting and a 7 hour drive home...  

 

I will say that I'm impressed with some of what I've read here.

[Chimera]

i'm interested in what cat/darth biscuit have to say about this, as they've both expressed similar backgrounds and conflict before

anyone who's been married knows.

Male marries female hoping she never changes. she changes exponentially.

Female marries male hoping she can change him. He stays the same his whole life.

Its been happening for millennia.

[PhillyB]

anyone who's been married knows.

Male marries female hoping she never changes. she changes exponentially.

Female marries male hoping she can change him. He stays the same his whole life.

Its been happening for millennia.

 

weirdly ours is the exact opposite. lol

[Guild]

[Darth Biscuit]

OK, a little background may be in order here Philly... some of this I'm sure I've posed before, so bear with me...

 

I met my wife in college, my 2nd year and her 4th.  We met in Baptist Student Union and started dating and it got pretty serious pretty quickly.

 

We ended up getting engaged within about a year and a half and then married before I had even graduated.

 

Initially we did have at least one thing in common...  we were both religious, and that was where our similarities kind of started and ended.

 

 

Now that I look back on that, I think my thinking process at the time (although i'm not really sure I was consciously thinking this) was that finding a girl and getting married asap was the key to living a religious life in order to control those natural urges that all young men have.   Probably not the best plan...  no, definitely not.

 

So anyway, skip ahead a few years, we're married... had a couple of kids, both have good jobs, involved in the church, all of that...  I finally started sitting down and thinking about my life and what I had done and what I wanted to do.  Until I was about 30ish, I really had very little concept of who I was as a person, I was just kind of floating along doing what I thought I was supposed to do.

 

Well, turns out that kind of thinking didn't really sit well with the religious beliefs that I had and moreso with the church we attended.  I started really looking at and listening to what they were saying at church... and turns out, I didn't agree with any of it.  Long story short it was a whole lot of guilt and fear mixed in with "give us your money".

 

By the time I was 32, I was completely done with religion and church.  Needless to say, my wife was not.  She's never been one to sit down and ponder things like this... she's always been one to just go with the flow, and not really question what she was told.  Her dad was a christian, so that must be what she needed to do.  Now like you Philly, I'm not saying she's not smart... she is...  she has a Masters in Education and is pretty damned sharp.  But once she gets outside of books and learning and has to sit and think about something, she gets real uncomfortable, real fast.

 

So essentially what was the basis for our relationship, it kind of went away.  I don't attend church with the family anymore, and I'm perfectly fine with it.  For the first year or so, she was really pissed about it.  Sunday would come and she basically wouldn't speak to me all day.  Her and the kids would go to church, come home and do their own thing.  Now we've kind of adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy so to speak about it.  We've had a few indirect conversations about it... but anything that I say regarding what the church is doing or saying is pretty much immediately dismissed.  She doesn't want to hear it.

 

Now, idk if that's the best way of dealing with it or not but that's kind of the way it's turned out...  do we have the best relationship?  No.  Is it both of our faults?  Yes.

 

Another issue is the "opposites attract" thing that you, Kurb and others have mentioned...  I agree that you CAN have a successful marriage if you have nothing in common, but I firmly believe that that situation makes it MUCH harder to do.  You really have to WORK at it to make it work.  My wife and I have very, very little in common... from music, to activities, to just general life...  honestly it kind of sucks.  We have both tried to find some things that we have mutual interest in... she's become more interested in football and will sit down and watch with me on Sunday...  she has gotten more and more into fitness, but now she really does her own thing because I prefer to lift weights and she likes aerobics classes and running.  I try to talk with her about her job and schools/education (she loves to talk about that stuff as do most teachers), I'll go with her antiquing even though shopping bores me to tears.  Obviously we have our two boys in common and try to do stuff with them and take them places, which is generally fun.

 

So I guess my advice would be two fold... although it's not required, I would strongly suggest that you find at least one or two things that you enjoy doing together and develop some common interest in.  That gives you a basis to talk about things other than the daily grind.

 

The other, and this has been mentioned, is TALK ABOUT IT.  If you let poo like this just fester, it will never, ever go away...  you (and probably her) will always have that lingering thought in your mind of "did I do the right thing here" or "is there something better?"  Don't be that couple.  Ask her if your travel bothers her... how can you make it better... how can you do it together?  That kind of thing.

 

If all else fails, there is no harm whatsoever in going to see a marriage counselor.

 

As always, let me know if this helps or I'm just full of poo... 

[PhillyB]

OK, a little background may be in order here Philly... some of this I'm sure I've posed before, so bear with me...

 

I met my wife in college, my 2nd year and her 4th.  We met in Baptist Student Union and started dating and it got pretty serious pretty quickly.

 

We ended up getting engaged within about a year and a half and then married before I had even graduated.

 

Initially we did have at least one thing in common...  we were both religious, and that was where our similarities kind of started and ended.

 

 

Now that I look back on that, I think my thinking process at the time (although i'm not really sure I was consciously thinking this) was that finding a girl and getting married asap was the key to living a religious life in order to control those natural urges that all young men have.   Probably not the best plan...  no, definitely not.

 

So anyway, skip ahead a few years, we're married... had a couple of kids, both have good jobs, involved in the church, all of that...  I finally started sitting down and thinking about my life and what I had done and what I wanted to do.  Until I was about 30ish, I really had very little concept of who I was as a person, I was just kind of floating along doing what I thought I was supposed to do.

 

that's an incredibly close parallel with us. the only difference is timing (i met my wife when i was 23, but had a pretty good idea of who i was as a person/what i wanted in life by 27.)

 

i've gotten a number of inbox messages from posters who have gone through similar things. not an uncommon problem. which is kind of cool. as good as my social network is (i have a lot of awesome people i'm really close to that i can discuss pretty much anything with) this particular topic is hard to broach because there's very few people that can relate to it. most people simply believe what they believe and by the time they're my age they're pretty much set in stone. you don't see too many major shifts in paradigm when people get older.

 

so i don't know, i'm still working through it. a lot of it's blown over, but as everyone has said, communication is a huge deal with this, and we've talked about it a number of times... we don't have a solution per se, but acknowledging it as a problem and something that demands our care and attention is a step in the right direction.

 

thanks again to everyone who contributed.

[NCstoner420]

I'm about to hit 10 years in my relationship and I have seen the ups and the downs. Having different ideas on things, especially religion, can really put a strain on a couple but you need to learn to give and take. Life is not perfect and you can not have everything your way, you also have to understand your wife feels the same way as you do. I'm a stay at home father and have raised two children so I know how hard it can be in their first year. You need to open up and talk to her about everything, from how you truly feel about things and how her actions make you feel. Then you need to listen and let her unload on you with all of her feelings. I can't stress the value of being open and talking with each other enough. In the end the two of you may not be right for each other but you need to make sure both of you give 100% before calling the quits. 

[88 Bronco]

February will be 18 years for me. I've discussed the foundation of my marriage here before so I won't go into that long winded monologue again. My wife and I have grown up together and have developed different interests and hobbies. I read mentally stimulating books and seek out challenging hobbies, but my job is more physical labor than mental. My wife has a job that is mentally and emotionally taxing, so she seeks out mindless forms of entertainment that I find unpalatable. I questioned why one of the smartest people I have ever known watches such stupid poo and he response was that this was her decompress time. Let her enjoy her mindless dribble. You can sit in the room with her and read a book. 

 

Marriage isn't like dating where you have to do everything together. My wife is my best friend, but I'd stab that woman if she was around me all the time. Enjoy you alone time, but make time for her. This will pass as long as you don't ignore the elephant in the room.

[Floppin]

I'm just adding a placeholder here as I want to let you know that I'll be commenting on this later. 

 

I do want to say that based on your many threads since your marriage and before/after your child being born, I'm not all that surprised to see this thread. In fact, I'm fairly certain that I've warned you before. 

[PhillyB]

i'm interested to see your take on it (though i don't recall you mentioning any such thing before).

[TANTRIC-NINJA]

The time spent away has a lot to do with this..from school, work and long hours.

While you were stresseing the differences I would take that list of common passions: Travel for instance and tie it in with some meaning to both of you. Create more shared experiences so you can rebond as having a baby, working long hrs and school can be toxic for a positive co-existence.

Recently(last three years) my own wife had been in an intense nursing program where all her free time has been spent studying, reading, going to clinicals everywhere at local hospitals. Sometimes on the weekends she would go to study groups with her friends n would hang and have some girl bonding drinks as I was toting the daughter to cheer, soccer meets... In other words it created a huge rift between us where i have an intensly close relationship with my daughter and we both became a bit distant from my wife.

I think my post count is 3000 posts in the last year in a half for instance where I was barely responding to things on this site prior. I have a similar bond with my wife in terms of how we think, world view and such.

She graduated in August and I have to say our time is different(positive) bc she was stressed from school, I was frustrated from the lack of time with the wife...and now we have quality relaxed moments that we have lacked bc of her school demands. I feel like we are rediscovering each other again and it is awesome bc I had begun to consider my options.

I would definitely not give up in this relationship bc she seems to have attributes and shares uncommon belief structures that you do and that is hard to find.

Just find ways to spen time(which can be challanging with a 5 month old) and try to break the patterns developed over the last couple of years.

[SOJA]

I have no experience, but I wish you and your wife the best. You're a hard working guy, and a good person. If anyone can get through something like this it's you. 

[Mr. Scot]

Honestly Phil, in the next year, I may be on here looking for advice too :lol:

 

I'm likely entering into a marriage where I become 'Instant Dad" to a 14 year old boy and a 16 year old girl.

 

Adding to the fun: Girlfriend has been married twice previously.  Both guys...jerks.

 

(and a hearty 'screw you' to whomever responds that this is strike three or commends her for being consistent) :mad:

 

Bottom Line: Two kids who have never had a good male role model will be looking for one in a guy who's never had kids.

 

And to top it all off, the girlfriend wants us to have one of our own :blink:

 

Sounds like a bad sitcom, doesn't it? :(

 

So why do it?  Because I finally found someone whom I can honestly call my best friend.

 

When I broke up with Lady Buc Fan, one of her final comments to me was "I hope you find someone who's capable of loving like you do."

 

I did.

 

So from my perspective, hope springs eternal.  Never give up because sometimes just that last little effort turns out to be all you needed.

 

That's my two cents.  I'm waiting for my change.

[CarolinaCoolin]

Honestly Phil, in the next year, I may be on here looking for advice too :lol:

I'm likely entering into a marriage where I become 'Instant Dad" to a 14 year old boy and a 16 year old girl.

Adding to the fun: Girlfriend has been married twice previously. Both guys...jerks.

(and a hearty 'screw you' to whomever responds that this is strike three or commends her for being consistent) :mad:

Bottom Line: Two kids who have never had a good male role model will be looking for one in a guy who's never had kids.

And to top it all off, the girlfriend wants us to have one of our own :blink:

Sounds like a bad sitcom, doesn't it? :(

So why do it? Because I finally found someone whom I can honestly call my best friend.

When I broke up with Lady Buc Fan, one of her final comments to me was "I hope you find someone who's capable of loving like you do."

I did.

So from my perspective, hope springs eternal. Never give up because sometimes just that last little effort turns out to be all you needed.

That's my two cents. I'm waiting for my change.

How do you feel about having a little mr scot running around?

I'm scared for all of us ;) jk