advice

[PanthaSan]

Another old dude checking in....

 

Kids will change everything.  Believe me, I know this all too well.

 

Hawk and Anybody home have some great advice, I suggest you pay attention.  I wish I had gotten advice like that 3 divorces ago.

 

As far as the gap widening, it's never too late to get back on track.  EVER!  Relationships need to be dynamic as things change so it is not uncommon that you find yourselves drifting apart as far as interests go.  Plus you are both still growing up so to speak.

 

Above all, family comes first.  Maybe you can find something new to do together that you both might enjoy.

 

Good luck, brother.  If relationships were easy, the world would be a boring place.

[Porn Shop Clerk]

have you tried swinging?

[pstall]

approaching 19 years of marriage next may.

 

i have seen just about everything you can see so hope this helps some.

 

at some point you and i are going to hang out and im going to make my way up there so while i have never met you, i feel like i know you so take this and just insights and lessons learned over the years.

 

off the bat you gotta lose the mindset that you are where you are based on your upbringing/ where you were raised etc. yes, it has shaped you BUT, don't let it DEFINE you. each day you get to live is another day to be totally new and different.

 

the biggest thing to overcome when the first kid comes is the fact that millions of others have gone thru the same thing. this too shall pass. all the heightened emotions and on edge is totally normal. keep talking to each other and finding ways to keep her burdens light.

 

as for growing apart, that too is normal. there are times, even in the last couple of years where i can see my wife and i on different pages on many things. where she may be content in some areas i might be more passionate to do better or differently in. im still an adventurous rebel at heart and my mantra is usually well lets see what happens.

 

having a kid will naturally bring so much to the surface because you are either too tired to be clever or too tired mentally to bury things anymore. which can be good.

 

i mentioned this to you when you first had the kid and i will say it again with a twist. i said to find a family who has done a good job raising their kid and hang with them as much as you can and learn what you can. how have you done with that? its been crazy im sure but a couple or two of tight friends who are close in age or at least have a kid or two that you can not only relate with but you can bounce stuff off the hubby or wife to make sure you aren't insane.lol

because many times we think we are the only ones going thru drama or our drama is unique and when we talk about it to someone wiser or older they can quickly offer a great perspective and take care of some blind spots. you and i can't see everything there is out there so it helps to have some other perspectives.

 

 

i think those first 6 months to a year with a new kid can be extremely challenging. i think for the guy, he is probably stunned just how selfish he(we) are. having a kid makes us face our selfishness.

so with all of that, go find the things you guys still share and enjoy and build on it. it won't happen over night but little by little have fun and go out of your way in taking care of your kid. not saying you haven't but maybe help even more. find unique ways to lighten your wifes load.

 

because i will tell you. for us, our most trying years have been the last couple as the girls gotten into middle school and we are juggling careers and responsibilites and bills and taking care of extended family you get spread thin.

 

many financial advisors will mention the phrase "pay yourself first". where you put away savings and then whats left over you take care of your bills. the idea is to have more in savings and you are in control of your money and not the other way around.

well. i say the same principle can be applied to marriage. pay yourselves first would be with time and energy, romance, whatever. all those areas that you guys "spend" elsewhere and then whatever scraps are left over you spend on each other, go the opposite route. pay yourself first.

 

 

good luck bro

[TheRumGone]

don't really have any concrete wisdom to impart because i don't have any experience in this situation at all but i do know this:

 

you are lucky you found somebody that wants to share their life with you and make an actual human being together. that is fuging crazy if you sit back and really think about it. A lot of people in this world are not as lucky to have that. Some people go through their entire lives alone. I know people like that.

 

I know that doesn't mean much to this specific situation but just trying to give some perspective in the grand scheme of things. I'm sure you already know this though. The rest of the advice given made me realize what hell/heaven i'm going to be in when this happens to me. Good luck man.

[PhillyB]

thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply. things are going to be alright; we ended up getting a lot of things out in the open and acknowledging that these things are a problem in the first place and that we need to find a way to work together towards a mutually-satisfactory solution. i don't yet know what that solution is, or if there really is one, but i suppose something is better than nothing.

 

my life was a hell of a lot easier when i simply didn't think about things and challenge my beliefs. i see why echo chambers are so popular; change is painful and sucky and causes problems like this one.

[R0CKnR0LLA]

thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply

 

umm.... yeah.... about that.....

[Chimera]

I'm sooooo not reading through all the replies, so forgive me if all this has been said.

12.5 years of marriage here, with two kids, and lots of sisters in law... grew up a mama's boy with an overbearing older sister. in other words, I think I understand a little about estrogen.

Little girls mature faster than little boys. You have a child together. You have your ambitions and goals. She probably does too - but now, first and foremost, is a mother's instinct to ensure shelter, subsistence, financial security and safety for BabyB.

She realizes the days of taking off to Palau on a whim are most likely either limited or over. She probably accepts it.

My guess is that you do not accept it.

That's fine. That's how marriage is supposed to work.

if you can balance the roles of (in order of importance imo) husband, father, student, world traveler, cult leader - you will make it work.

She should realize you can't do it alone. Support one another and amazing things happen.

Key thing to remember: nobody said marriage is easy. it takes a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of patience and a whole lot of pride being swallowed.

eta: I put those priorities in that order because concentrating on being a great husband helps the rest fall into place. by being a good husband, you are providing all the things I said above to both mother and daughter. With the family taken care of, you are better able to separate student life from family life. By being the best possible student, you not only get more out of travel, but you understand what you are experiencing. those experiences will mold you into the cult leader you want to be.

Yeah, it's corny, but you get the idea

[Guest Spider Monkey]

I find this thread fuging hilarious.

[Kurb]

I want to reply to this, but I don't know if I have enough information to form my points.

 

Phil you mention that you have changed and your pursuit of "PhillyB Stuff" (as I refer to it in my head) has changed you into a new person while she has remained largely the same. Know what I do about you and the very little I know about her I would argue she has changed quite a bit here recently, perhaps more than you. Becoming a mom changes wifey's in a drastic fashion. 

 

Having a kid throws off the usual dynamic in a marriage, especially when it's a surprise. Where you were free to do basically whatever you please, now you have a life form that is dependent on both of you 100%. What happens in this is simple, you move from Priority #1 on each others lists to priority 2, if you're lucky.  I think this is the first issue you are likely experiencing. Fortunately there are ways to alleviate this. We'll get to that later.

 

My second point hinges around well vs perceived priorities. Facebook gives a surprising glimpse into peoples lives. From it I know some of the idea's you have had over the past year. I would ask you this: "From your wife's point of view, do your priorities lie with your family or with your other interests?"  Please forgive me for as dickish as that sounds for it's an attempt to help nothing more.  

 

Just trying to see it from her point of view, You went to Peru, she couldn't go when you did because she had to bring the baby, so you got to go and study solo while she was at home mommying. You went caving a month or so ago, was she at home mommying then? You have mentioned going to Germany (I think), what consideration was given to Wifey/Baby then? and so on. It's very easy for new moms to get the "WHY DOESN'T HE WORK AS HARD AS I DO WITH THE BABY" mentality going. As such it's a constant fight to keep that demon at bay.

 

I'm in no way accusing you of being a dick husband/dad here. I know that is likely how it sounds and that is 100000% not my intent.   What I want to emphasis is what you intend is not always how you are perceived.  I know from here and talking with you outside of the huddle that you have lofty goals and ambitions. Likely those dreams and goals were even more enforced when little Z showed up. I would assume you dream of a better world for her to grow up in and want to make those things happen. The thing you have to make sure of is that this is known and known well.  

 

As for interests? fug that noise. Me and the Mrs. have next to nothing in common. Still to this day our interests usually go in opposite directions. That said, I love her more than life itself. More than that, and this grows as you are married, I respect her greatly.  I know good and damned well your wife has more to her than Candy Crush and watching Reality TV. If that were the case you would have lost interest in her long before you got married. Personalities don't change that damn much. You have likely always been one to search out new knowledge, the change now is you don't buy into group think as much. 

 

Finally, and this one has been mentioned by several before me.  I want you to take a hammer to your trip jar and spend take Mrs. PhillyB away for a weekend. Call your moms-in-law and get the baby taken care of for a weekend or so. Get a room at some touristy romantic place, and spend the weekend remembering why you got married.  

 

 

I'm rambling at this point.... I'll try and post more if you want. I honestly hope this helps...

[Kurb]

 

 

 I put those priorities in that order because concentrating on being a great husband helps the rest fall into place. by being a good husband, you are providing all the things I said above to both mother and daughter. With the family taken care of, you are better able to separate student life from family life. By being the best possible student, you not only get more out of travel, but you understand what you are experiencing. those experiences will mold you into the cult leader you want to be

Pretty much.

[Inimicus]

25 years of marriage checking in.

 

The short answer is: Get over it.

 

Something my wife and I learned through counseling at about year 14 was that we had to support and accept each other thorough the changes in likes and dislikes that were as inevitable as the sun rising the next day.

 

 

 

If I met the person my wife is today all those years ago we would not have dated or gotten married, but on the flip side of that if my wife was the same person today that she was the day we met Id divorce her ass in a hot second.

[Kurb]

If I met the person my wife is today all those years ago we would not have dated or gotten married, but on the flip side of that if my wife was the same person today that she was the day we met I'd divorce her ass in a hot second.

 

Well said. 

 

The longest relationship turns out to be the most dynamic IMO.

[Hawk]

lots of great advice in this thread....you should be well on your way to marital improvements and living a long and happy, sometimes challenging, life together.

 

 

now...about those pics?

[Mr. Scot]

I've generally found the root cause of most relationship conflicts to be that men are a--holes.

(at least that's what the women tell me) :unsure: