Giving life advice to someone who needs it, anyone experienced?

[Doc Holiday]

Ok, so one of my youngest cousins(2nd youngest) is going through what I would call a rather volatile time, she's 19 and just like her mom she did the whole getting knocked up at 16 with a no good HS boyfriend and she should have known better, especially after her mom doing to same thing.

 

but that's in the past and you can't do anything about it now.

 

She is clearly in need of attention and advice via what I can understand from her facebook posts but I think she's been looking for both in all the wrong areas and ways.

 

I really would like to sit down and have a chat with her, but don't want to come across overbearing and in a "look here now" kind of way that I'm sure she's been getting from her dad and uncle(her uncle, my first cousin), who while having good intentions never got across to her. I think I have a better chance of getting to her because she knows that I've actually gone through some shitty times in my life and always landed on my feet, and I'm also not more then twice her age unlike everyone else that she's been getting advice from so far.  I've never been terribly close but I know her well enough to know she's better then how she's been acting and if she was in her 40's instead of 19 we would be calling it a mid-life crisis.

 

so any advice, anything or tactics you have felt were handy in how to deal with someone like this, I'm no expert

[PhillyB]

how close are you to her? would it be in any way difficult to broach the subject? my instinct is that the biggest obstacle would be her instantly categorizing you as just another one of those adults that doesn't understand the moment you try to bring it up.

if you're already tight you just tell her you wanna hang out and then tell her you're concerned. put the emphasis on your experiences and let her draw the parallels; it'll make her less defensive.

good luck

[Squirrel]

If she is already getting it from her dad and uncle a third person wont help in getting her straight.  Best thing to do is just offer a place to vent no advice. Grow that into a relationship in which when she is ready to ask for advice you will be their for her.  Let her know that if she needs anything or just someone to vent too that you are their for her. 

 

 

 

[Anybodyhome]

Philly and Squirrel are both right. She's already getting the lectures from a couple older family guys, the last thing she wants or needs is another one jumping on the bandwagon crusade to save her (that's her perception, I'm sure).

 

Why not simply tell her you know she's getting it from all sides already and rather than her having to hear yet another lecture that you'll simply be there for her if she needs to talk with someone. Tell her you've been there, the age difference isn't that big a deal because our life experiences don't really change from one generation to the next, believe it or not. Just let her know you're hoping for the best, you know these are difficult times and that you'll do whatever you can to help.

[Doc Holiday]

how close are you to her? would it be in any way difficult to broach the subject? my instinct is that the biggest obstacle would be her instantly categorizing you as just another one of those adults that doesn't understand the moment you try to bring it up.

if you're already tight you just tell her you wanna hang out and then tell her you're concerned. put the emphasis on your experiences and let her draw the parallels; it'll make her less defensive.

good luck

she knows me well enough that I get really funny when I'm drunk and that was her primary objective when she would visit occasionally but I haven't really seen her in 3 years, that was mainly because she lived 8 hours away and now I'm only 3.

[Doc Holiday]

Philly and Squirrel are both right. She's already getting the lectures from a couple older family guys, the last thing she wants or needs is another one jumping on the bandwagon crusade to save her (that's her perception, I'm sure).

Why not simply tell her you know she's getting it from all sides already and rather than her having to hear yet another lecture that you'll simply be there for her if she needs to talk with someone. Tell her you've been there, the age difference isn't that big a deal because our life experiences don't really change from one generation to the next, believe it or not. Just let her know you're hoping for the best, you know these are difficult times and that you'll do whatever you can to help.

yeah I get what y'all are saying, it's just that I guess when you see someone you care about heading in the wrong direction you do want to try and wave them down and say "hey you should really be going that way".

I know she probably doesn't really need one more person telling her how to live her life so that's why I was asking here to see if there was a better way to approach the subject, my main though before this was I'm already not an authority figure in her life and never have been, so with that maybe I would stand a better chance.

[Bob NC]

she knows me well enough that I get really funny when I'm drunk and that was her primary objective when she would visit occasionally but I haven't really seen her in 3 years, that was mainly because she lived 8 hours away and now I'm only 3.

 

You have to watch out because many times people look at the drunk cousin far differently than the drunk cousin thinks they do.

[Doc Holiday]

You have to watch out because many times people look at the drunk cousin far differently than the drunk cousin thinks they do.

no I pretty much know how she views me, I just used it as an example of how well she knew me. I'm not a not a big drinker by any stretch of the imagination it's just that she was around me once when I was and thought I was hilarious, apparently im kinda like ron white on steroids when drunk, and she's not the only person that's told me this. Quit a few friends have too.

[Inimicus]

From personal experience and from years working with professionals in the mental health field:

 

You have to engage her and TALK not lecture.  If you realize you've spoken for more than 90 seconds without a meaningful response from her (more than a syllable) then you're lecturing and she isn't listening.

 

You've got to be very careful with your "Ive been there" talk because if she sees you as a success in your current life you'll reinforce the idea that there is time to turn it all around and everything will work out in the end.  Its a thin line between cautionary tale and success story.

 

You've got to establish a level of trust between you and her that you're not going to tell her folks what you guys talk about.  If see sees you as an agent for them you'll get no where.

 

Kids get tired of talking about serious poo quickly so you have to take it in small chunks where you can get it.  Its harder because your not around like a dad so you cant chip away at the problem a little at a time but you have to.  You'll need to see her more often and keep the serious talk to short 10-15 minute conversations so she can absorb and internalize what you're giving her.  She wont be able to process a 2 hour dinner where all you do is dish out "advice".

 

[pstall]

For now the best advice is to be quiet and just spend time with her. Be counter intuitive and hang and be supportive and encouraging. She kinda expects to be told she is making bad choices but go the other way.

I have counseled people going thru these type times and I don't offer advice unless they ask. If they do I bring the fastball but if they don't I just try to be positive and non verbally communicate to them there is somebody in their corner.

[ladypanther]

Agree with the others.  Just be there.  Let her know you care about what she is going through and let her know you support her no matter what.

 

​If she is getting lectured...she has to defend herself and gets more locked into a position, even if wrong for her.  If she is given a safe, supportive place...she can let her guard down and admit her doubts (if she chooses to out loud...sometimes just being accepted is more powerful than you can see.)

 

She does not need another opinion.  She needs support.

 

People have to live their own lives, like it or not.  But being an oasis (non judgmental, respecting her, caring) will help her.  She may have to make more mistakes...but you need to respect her process and her right to do that. Even if she asks for your opinion....you need to acknowledge  that she is the only one who can decide what is best for her and you will love her no matter what.  That can be very powerful.