Some times it's better the be the bad guy and say NO (Personal Retrospect)

[Doc Holiday]

Was scrolling through Netflix today to see what might be interesting and saw the 30 for 30: Broke, which if you didn't know was about former professional athletes that made millions and are now broke.

 

The part that stood out to me the most was when they were talking about how friends and family would stick there hand out asking for money, and would try and make the athlete feel bad with a sob story or whatever they thought they needed to tell them to get them to give them money.

 

Has anyone else besides me have to deal with something like that?  I know I talked about this about 4 years ago on here about my Dad being diagnosed unexpectedly with Stage 4 cancer, his subsequent battle with it, and his eventual passing.

 

But I never really talked about what happened afterwards, my Dad was under insured and our insurance would not cover his expensive cancer treatment so my parents ended up drain basically their entire life savings, now with that said me and the rest of my siblings (mostly me and my younger brother{he learned to say "No" sooner then me) pulled together to try and help get our Mom back on her feet after everything, took care of all the bills we figured she was going to need some down time, after my Dad passed to get things together mentally before she tried to get back to work(she worked up until about the last 3 months of my Dad's cancer battle), and after about 3 month we tried to get her to go back to work and she refused, and eventually took both me and the younger brother pulling the plug on the whole thing after about 11 months of us paying way beyond our means, before she tried to go back to work.

 

And then I against my better judgement and younger brother recommendation, I let her borrow my car(value about $8k at the time) when I went to australia for work (and a bit of a mental break for myself). when I get back she refuses to return the car and I eventually buy a my self another vehicle(thank God I made some money in Australia), my younger sister and older brother were both pressuring me to let her continue to use my car, while they themselves offered no help at all.

 

It got to the point with me that I figured I was never going to get the car back and tried to give her car the car, but she didn't want to take over the payments and insurance that I was flicking the bill for.  well end of the story is it took a long time and me paying off the car before she would finally take over the title and that was October last year(mainly did this because of pressure from my sister and older brother).

 

What it has ended up costing me was around $15k and backing my college graduation up by 2/3 years, I'm not someone that's well off, I'm a college student that is currently making about $11 an hour, and spent a great deal of the time while this was going on working 2/3 Jobs the entire time usually 70+ hours a week to help pay for all the extra expenses, and I do consider myself fairly good at managing money.

 

The only people in my family that seem to appreciate what I did and given up in doing so was my younger brother, who while to a slight lesser degree went through the same thing, and my Dad's side of the Family(aunts, uncles and cousins) who think I walk on water.  my mom my older brother and sister have never shown any appreciation towards me, and none that I know of towards my younger brother

 

I know it was a bit long winded, but it was just one of those things that still gets at me, and that scene in 30 for 30: broke kinda just popped it up. I guess it's in part because I'm still dealing with it in some ways but, It's just that I'm saying "NO" now instead of trying to help out anymore.

 

so with that said if you ever find yourself in a situation where you have family members trying to guilt you into doing something, tell them to fug off and deal with their own problems, because from my experience unless they deal with their own problems nothing will change and they will only bleed you dry till there is nothing more left, so you are better off saying "NO!".

[Chimera]

The only way I would say no to my parents would be if their situation(s) meant hardship on my kids.

I'm trying not to be judgmental here because I've only seen your point of view and I don't know your mom's story. I've been in kinda the same situation in helping my own widowed mother through financial hardship. Be proud that you were able to help her as much as you did. Don't look for approval - people cope in different ways, especially after losing a life partner.

[Shufdog]

It's your Mom and Dad! I'm sure they made some sacrifices raising you. Obliviously we don't know every personal detail, and everyone's situation is different, but I would probably empty my bank account for my parents.

 

Your description makes it sound like you're being taken advantage of... tough situation man, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes! Talk with your brother (the one that's helping) is what I would do.

 

Best of luck! I'm sorry, I'm sure it fuging sucks!!

[PhillyB]

that is fuging tough dude, props for being the bigger man about everything and being willing to take your licks. i honestly don't know how i'd react in a situation like this. my nuclear family is pretty dicked up in general (wife and kid excluded  :)) and for the most part ties have been severed so it's difficult for me to even conceptualize something like this happening in the first place.

[Doc Holiday]

that is fuging tough dude, props for being the bigger man about everything and being willing to take your licks. i honestly don't know how i'd react in a situation like this. my nuclear family is pretty dicked up in general (wife and kid excluded :)) and for the most part ties have been severed so it's difficult for me to even conceptualize something like this happening in the first place.

i understand needing to cut ties, my Mom would have full blown freak outs calling me everything under the sun when I would tell her no or suggest things she didnt like, for example going back to work.

I eventually told her that if she freaked out on me one more time I would cut all ties, and its been nearly a year since I told her that and she hasn't done so yet.

[Doc Holiday]

It's your Mom and Dad! I'm sure they made some sacrifices raising you. Obliviously we don't know every personal detail, and everyone's situation is different, but I would probably empty my bank account for my parents.

Your description makes it sound like you're being taken advantage of... tough situation man, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes! Talk with your brother (the one that's helping) is what I would do.

Best of luck! I'm sorry, I'm sure it fuging sucks!!

well my mom is on her own now for the most part, my younger brother is like me on the situation just he reached the same conclusion a year earlier, like I said in the title this is retrospective.

Only time my mom put the effort into making the situation better for herself was when me and my younger brother pulled help

[Davidson Deac II]

Fwiw, I am going thru something that is slightly similar, so I can sympathize with you.  Well, its similar in that I am having to try and bail out my Mom from a financial mess.  Basically, she took out a second mortgage and a credit line on her house, and now they can't afford to make ends meet.  I didn't find out until they got a letter from the county for unpaid property tax, with the county threatening to seize the house.  Now she wants me to buy the house as an investment and rent it to them.   

 

My mom is great, as is my stepdad, and I have no doubt the rent would be paid as long as she is around, but I am uncomfortable being her landlord, and the house is not in the best of condition, nor is it in the best of neighborhoods.  Not a bad neighborhood, but it might be difficult to sell the house down the road.  Also, there is the question of what might happen to the house once they pass.  My stepdad has 7 kids, and I am not sure how they would react if they find out I own the house after he passes. 

 

I am trying to convince them to refinance, and I have almost succeeded, but its not a certainitity they can get enough money to do cover the amount owed, and the required repairs.  

 

Its not a fun situation at all, and yours sounds like it is worse than mine. 

[Doc Holiday]

Fwiw, I am going thru something that is slightly similar, so I can sympathize with you. Well, its similar in that I am having to try and bail out my Mom from a financial mess. Basically, she took out a second mortgage and a credit line on her house, and now they can't afford to make ends meet. I didn't find out until they got a letter from the county for unpaid property tax, with the county threatening to seize the house. Now she wants me to buy the house as an investment and rent it to them.

My mom is great, as is my stepdad, and I have no doubt the rent would be paid as long as she is around, but I am uncomfortable being her landlord, and the house is not in the best of condition, nor is it in the best of neighborhoods. Not a bad neighborhood, but it might be difficult to sell the house down the road. Also, there is the question of what might happen to the house once they pass. My stepdad has 7 kids, and I am not sure how they would react if they find out I own the house after he passes.

I am trying to convince them to refinance, and I have almost succeeded, but its not a certainitity they can get enough money to do cover the amount owed, and the required repairs.

Its not a fun situation at all, and yours sounds like it is worse than mine.

the question you're going to have to ask yourself is how much money are you going to be willing to lose on it, my mom dragged some stuff out that she had no business trying to save, like her car and the house. Should have tried to sell both, or declared bankruptcy and saved what hard assets she had left much sooner instead she waited till it was way too late. And it ended up with her broke and me near about before all was said and done.

You have to ask yourself how honest is she about her ability to pay the rent? It might be cheaper if you want to help them out to get them to co sign a rental lease, with you that way you are only on the hook for that year of rent and not a whole mortgage that you can't offload.

Like you said its a tough situation, I'm on the back end of mine now though, and you have that situation you are going through now.

[thefuzz]

Fwiw, I am going thru something that is slightly similar, so I can sympathize with you.  Well, its similar in that I am having to try and bail out my Mom from a financial mess.  Basically, she took out a second mortgage and a credit line on her house, and now they can't afford to make ends meet.  I didn't find out until they got a letter from the county for unpaid property tax, with the county threatening to seize the house.  Now she wants me to buy the house as an investment and rent it to them.   

 

My mom is great, as is my stepdad, and I have no doubt the rent would be paid as long as she is around, but I am uncomfortable being her landlord, and the house is not in the best of condition, nor is it in the best of neighborhoods.  Not a bad neighborhood, but it might be difficult to sell the house down the road.  Also, there is the question of what might happen to the house once they pass.  My stepdad has 7 kids, and I am not sure how they would react if they find out I own the house after he passes. 

 

I am trying to convince them to refinance, and I have almost succeeded, but its not a certainitity they can get enough money to do cover the amount owed, and the required repairs.  

 

Its not a fun situation at all, and yours sounds like it is worse than mine. 

 

Either sell the house or have them walk away from it.  There is no reason to stay other than "feelings" about the home.

 

Those need to be severed.  Harsh words, but words that I have had to speak to family members as well.

 

There is no difference from them paying you rent (bad idea IMO) and them paying an apartment rent.

 

When people make bad financial decisions, they have to pay the price, cutting and getting out of there is the best for all involved.  It causes no ill will between them, nor you.

 

I do not envy your position, but I have been in it....somewhat.

[Davidson Deac II]

the question you're going to have to ask yourself is how much money are you going to be willing to lose on it, my mom dragged some stuff out that she had no business trying to save, like her car and the house. Should have tried to sell both, or declared bankruptcy and saved what hard assets she had left much sooner instead she waited till it was way too late. And it ended up with her broke and me near about before all was said and done.

You have to ask yourself how honest is she about her ability to pay the rent? It might be cheaper if you want to help them out to get them to co sign a rental lease, with you that way you are only on the hook for that year of rent and not a whole mortgage that you can't offload.

Like you said its a tough situation, I'm on the back end of mine now though, and you have that situation you are going through now.

 

 

Her ability to pay the rent is probably not in question.  Even if my stepfather passed away, she would still get a sizeable portion of his pension. 

 

Fwiw, both my sister and I tried to talk her into selling it years ago.  Had she done so, she would be in much better shape financially, but she has never been good at making financial decisions.  She has taken on way to much debt.  She is just old and stubborn and doesn't want to give up her house, even though my sister offered to make their downstairs into an apartment that mom and my stepdad could live in virtually rent free. 

 

If nothing else, I have learned thru her how terrible a thing credit can be.  Except for my house and car, my own debts are 0.  :)

[Davidson Deac II]

Either sell the house or have them walk away from it.  There is no reason to stay other than "feelings" about the home.

 

Those need to be severed.  Harsh words, but words that I have had to speak to family members as well.

 

There is no difference from them paying you rent (bad idea IMO) and them paying an apartment rent.

 

When people make bad financial decisions, they have to pay the price, cutting and getting out of there is the best for all involved.  It causes no ill will between them, nor you.

 

I do not envy your position, but I have been in it....somewhat.

 

 

Yea, been trying to convince them to sell it for years.  They wont hear of it.   Old people can be as stubborn as kids and unlike kids, you can't bribe them with a happy meal toy.  :)

 

 

Fwiw, if they can refinance, they should be ok.  Right now they are paying $1200 a month for the second mortgage and the credit line with an interest rate of 9 and 12 percent respectively.   And that doesn't include taxes and insurance.  If they could refi, then they could cut that in half, and include taxes and insurance.  So we are going to talk to the bank next week. 

[thefuzz]

Yea, been trying to convince them to sell it for years.  They wont hear of it.   Old people can be as stubborn as kids and unlike kids, you can't bribe them with a happy meal toy.  :)

 

 

Fwiw, if they can refinance, they should be ok.  Right now they are paying $1200 a month for the second mortgage and the credit line with an interest rate of 9 and 12 percent respectively.   And that doesn't include taxes and insurance.  If they could refi, then they could cut that in half, and include taxes and insurance.  So we are going to talk to the bank next week. 

 

Gotcha.

 

Women especially get tied up so emotionally in homes that they can't think with their heads.

 

And as for your previous point, debt is the devil.  I am shedding myself of all of it now.

 

0% of homes that were foreclosed on were paid off.

 

What did they do with the money they pulled out?

[Davidson Deac II]

Gotcha.

 

Women especially get tied up so emotionally in homes that they can't think with their heads.

 

And as for your previous point, debt is the devil.  I am shedding myself of all of it now.

 

0% of homes that were foreclosed on were paid off.

 

What did they do with the money they pulled out?

 

The answer to that question is the part that really pisses me off.  Lots of things, most of which were bad decisions on their part.  Like helping out my sister because she was married to a deadbeat.  Or paying a family friend to install HVAC, and then finding out he did subtandard work.  Unfortunately, for him and them, he is dead now, so they can't sue him.       And my sister divorced the guy and she now has to live with my parents taking care of them, so maybe things will get a little better for them. 

[Doc Holiday]

If nothing else, I have learned thru her how terrible a thing credit can be. Except for my house and car, my own debts are 0. :)

you and me both, I have a total of $800 debt right now and I could kill it all if I had to. Also can't say my mom didn't teach me anything. 8-/