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Deangelo Unleashed - Win this photo

Zod

By Zod,
in Carolina Panthers

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rayzor Grand Master

rayzor

Posted
Posted

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much anymore, but if I pulled out my *****, would you hold it?"

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's *****.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his ***** in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"




"Parkinson's"

 

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rayzor Grand Master

rayzor

Posted
Posted

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

 

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rayzor Grand Master

rayzor

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Posted

true story....i'm taking a walk through a park a couple years ago and i see this guy sitting on a bench with a big orange for his head. he seemed kind of upset. so being the nice guy that i am (and maybe a bit curious about that orange for a head thing) i went up to him and asked him if he was alright.

 

he said he was just a bit depressed over some decisions he had made. so i was a bit curious...and still trying to help i suppose...and asked him.

 

he told me that everything comes from one moment, kind of a watershed moment in his life you might say, that he was walking on the beach and stubbed his toe on something sticking out of the sand.

 

he looked down and saw something metal sticking up so he dug it out and it was one of those old oil lamps. he thought he had his ebay gold so he tried cleaning it off and *poof!* out came a genie. the genie thanked him for releasing him from that lamp and giving him a chance to dry out (not sure what that was about, but whatever) and gave the guy three wishes.

 

the first one he asked to be the richest man in the world. so in a blink of an eye the beach around him was covered in gold bars. the guy thought that was pretty swell, so he said ok...now for my second wish, i'd like to marry the most beautiful woman in the world and before he could finish the 'd' in world the ocean parted moses style and in the middle is this beautiful woman looking like venus...had the whole clam shell behind her and long red hair that covered up her naughty bits and as she walked a minister just happened to appear and married them right on the spot.

 

i was pretty impressed with all that and was waiting for him to tell me about the next wish. i thought it was going to be kind of hard to top and maybe he was doing the whole dramatic pause thing but he just sighed and shook his head. i wanted to find out what he wished for next so i said, "so what about that third wish?"

 

he sighed again and looked up at me and said, "you know, here's where i think i might have gone wrong. i asked for a big orange for a head."

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Vampire the buffet slayer Newbie

Vampire the buffet slayer

Posted
Posted

true story....i'm taking a walk through a park a couple years ago and i see this guy sitting on a bench with a big orange for his head. he seemed kind of upset. so being the nice guy that i am (and maybe a bit curious about that orange for a head thing) i went up to him and asked him if he was alright.

he said he was just a bit depressed over some decisions he had made. so i was a bit curious...and still trying to help i suppose...and asked him.

he told me that everything comes fromr one moment, kind of a watershed moment in his life you might say, that he was walking on the beach and stubbed his toe on something sticking out of the sand.

he looked down and saw something metal sticking up so he dug it out and it was one of those old oil lamps. he thought he had his ebay gold so he tried cleaning it off and *poof!* out came a genie. the genie thanked him for releasing him from that lamp and giving him a chance to dry out (not sure what that was about, but whatever) and gave the guy three wishes.

the first one he asked to be the richest man in the world. so in a blink of an eye the beach around him was covered in gold bars. the guy thought that was pretty swell, so he said ok...now for my second wish, i'd like to marry the most beautiful woman in the world and before he could finish the 'd' in world the ocean parted moses style and in the middle is this beautiful woman looking like venus...had the whole clam shell behind her and long red hair that covered up her naughty bits and as she walked a minister just happened to appear and married them right on the spot.

i was pretty impressed with all that and was waiting for him to tell me about the next wish. i thought it was going to be kind of hard to top and maybe he was doing the whole dramatic pause thing but he just sighed and shook his head. i wanted to find out what he wished for next so i said, "so what about that third wish?"

he sighed again and looked up at me and said, "you know, here's where i think i might have gone wrong. i asked for a big orange for a head."

Wtf?

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT!!!!

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