The ability of Fathers and Sons to have a conversation...

[PhillyB]

it's amazing really how much your post made my blood boil now! it's made me realize that I've got alot of anger and poo just locked up inside of me and that I should probably have a major vent session with someone soon before I pop my top.

i'm fortunate to have an extremely good network and community of people i'm close to that i've been able to discuss this sort of thing with for years... it's really helped me to come to terms with a lot of it and develop strategies for making sure i don't perpetuate these harmful trends in my own offspring. i think it's part of why i'm able to talk about it emotionlessly and detachedly. when you internalize these things it can get ugly.

if you want to vent about stuff, this may be as good a place as any (especially because it seems like half the people on here have dealt with similar poo.) what better shrink's office than a thread on the carolina huddle dot com?

[Hawk]

good support is a hard thing to find....and for me, letting it out seems to be even harder.

I've got poo in me that's never been let out...and probably never will!

on this topic though..it just fuging amazes me how much pressure my parents put on me when I was growing up to be the good son, to not fug up like my brithers did, to make something of myself. All at the same time there was no trust, no length of leash...just do what you're told and be good with that. Be honest. How many times I got in poo over the years for apparently not being honest because that was so important! Was something I truly tried to build my foundation on and I think I was successful. Then I find out, poo, only a few years ago that my entire family structure was built on nothing but lies. That whole story of your mom and I meeting in school and being true loves from day one...guess what...all bullshit. Your mom was married when I met her...that older sister you have and that older brother that you used to have...oh...we might have forgotten to mention, your mom had them before we even met. oh, and your next oldest brother, well, he was born a few months after your mom and I got married. Sorry...we might have missed those details! My oldest sister knew all this time that 'dad' wasnt her dad all along and you know...please don't tell your brothers and your little sister because they don't really need to know...we'll decide when it's best.

there's the whole physical abuse piece...the child abandonment piece...my sister and I joke about it now...but I don't know how many times her and I would be out with our parents on vacation and they would feel the need to go to the bar and have a few drinks...and well...its just easier if you two just wait in the car....we know it's 110 degrees...but that little tree there will provide some shade soon. We'll just have one and be right back!!! ya....right

that's just the start of it....so much more inside that will always remain inside...so much more than when spoken of or typed out would sound trivial I am sure...but when you add it all up....well, it really adds up!!!

fug em I say

[Kettle]

My dad is pretty great. Except for his racism. I have scolded him enough for it now, that he knows not to do things around me like using slurs, telling jokes, etc. And he knows the worst thing he could do is to do something like that around my daughter.

[PhillyB]

good support is a hard thing to find....and for me, letting it out seems to be even harder.

I've got poo in me that's never been let out...and probably never will!

on this topic though..it just fuging amazes me how much pressure my parents put on me when I was growing up to be the good son, to not fug up like my brithers did, to make something of myself. All at the same time there was no trust, no length of leash...just do what you're told and be good with that. Be honest. How many times I got in poo over the years for apparently not being honest because that was so important! Was something I truly tried to build my foundation on and I think I was successful. Then I find out, poo, only a few years ago that my entire family structure was built on nothing but lies. That whole story of your mom and I meeting in school and being true loves from day one...guess what...all bullshit. Your mom was married when I met her...that older sister you have and that older brother that you used to have...oh...we might have forgotten to mention, your mom had them before we even met. oh, and your next oldest brother, well, he was born a few months after your mom and I got married. Sorry...we might have missed those details! My oldest sister knew all this time that 'dad' wasnt her dad all along and you know...please don't tell your brothers and your little sister because they don't really need to know...we'll decide when it's best.

there's the whole physical abuse piece...the child abandonment piece...my sister and I joke about it now...but I don't know how many times her and I would be out with our parents on vacation and they would feel the need to go to the bar and have a few drinks...and well...its just easier if you two just wait in the car....we know it's 110 degrees...but that little tree there will provide some shade soon. We'll just have one and be right back!!! ya....right

that's just the start of it....so much more inside that will always remain inside...so much more than when spoken of or typed out would sound trivial I am sure...but when you add it all up....well, it really adds up!!!

fug em I say

hot damn. i'm going to stop complaining now

[Future of the Funchise]

I can't talk to my Dad about anything other than football.

This is pretty much the only time I talk to my dad. Since the Bears and the Panthers are both sitting at home I probably wont hear from him til the draft.

[Hawk]

it just really stirred something up in me....there's so much more, but I'm a bottler.

there's things that I'd like to talk about, not necessarily here...but with my parents and a couple other family members...but deep inside I feel there's two ways to go...keep them to myself and just let it die or get them off my chest and probably send the whole family into a tailspin.

[mmmbeans]

it just really stirred something up in me....there's so much more, but I'm a bottler.

there's things that I'd like to talk about, not necessarily here...but with my parents and a couple other family members...but deep inside I feel there's two ways to go...keep them to myself and just let it die or get them off my chest and probably send the whole family into a tailspin.

dude, i know this sounds cheesy... but have you ever just written a letter to him? Not mail it or anything (unless you want to...) Just to get it off your chest... get the ball rolling etc.

Sometimes it helps to say the shiat you need to say even if nobody ever hears it.

[Hawk]

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks

[Bronn]

I can only share the two experiences I know of first hand... so you can take from them what you will...

My parents got divorced when I was 7. I had a lot of resentment towards my dad for it and didn't really come to terms with it until I was out of high school. Yeah we visited and stuff, but it never really seemed like he cared the way my mom did. I figured out later that a lot of us dudes just don't show love the same way some do.

I'm really close to my dad now. We talk a couple times a week, and I try to see him from time to time. He's only about 20 minutes away. Things are harder now, because I'm leading an adult life like he is now and was when I was younger. I understand how hard it is to make time for certain things.

My wife's dad, from very early on in her life (even though he's always been in her life) has been relatively distant. He made it no secret that he wanted a son, and was disappointed when he found out she was going to be a she and that my mother-in-law would be incapable of birthing another child. Sure, they had their good times, but they don't even speak now. She doesn't even speak to her mom, and her dad's okay with that too. My wife hasn't talked to either of her parents in at least 3-4 years. They moved out of state back then (down to Texas) and haven't even seen our son, their only grandchild. We've sent pictures, and I think her mom might have sent one or two brief emails in that time, but the damage done so many years ago over stupid things (money/death of a relative/inheritance, etc.) will probably never be repaired at this point.

I guess my point, and main advice is, it is entirely up to you what happens with the situation. You can get the boards and the nails and try to start rebuilding (or building anew) the bridge between you and your pops, or you can walk underneath and hop in the river and see where it takes you.

If you put forth the effort, then you've done all you can do. Life is too short to dwell on those that won't love you back the way you feel you should be loved. That doesn't just go for dads, either. I tell my wife all the time that the distance between her and her parents is their loss. I know it feels like she's lost a lot too, but if it were me in her situation, I'd forge ahead and put the negativity behind me.

[mmmbeans]

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks

*brohug*

[PhillyB]

hawk, you may want to consider finding a somewhat detached family member (if that's possible in your case) to talk to.

my aunt and uncle (on my mom's side) have been an invaluable source of perspective for me on my family issues... i wasn't particularly close to them growing up (my dad tried to keep me from seeing them because they were "filthy stinking liberals" and a "terrible influence" on me) but since i've moved out i've gotten a lot closer and had a lot of extremely illuminating conversations with them about how i grew up. they had lots of input regarding things that i was far to young to pick up on and had not considered until they brought it up.

if you can find someone in a similar position who may be willing to listen to your anger and shed SOME sort of light on it, however dim, it might do you worlds of good. i know how it is to have that ever-twisted knot of anger smoldering in the pit of your stomach, and i can attest to the level of previously-inconceivable relief that comes from ridding yourself of it.

[OnlyPantherFaninMaine]

Introduce him to texting. I did the same with my father and now we send a few texts almost every day.

[pstall]

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks

hey man. i say write it and send it. if he doesn't read it or respond, that's on him. but it will help YOU get it out of your system.

it will be more liberating than you can imagine.

honesty/ humilty begets...honesty/humilty.

to give you an idea how tough of a tyrant my dad could be, i was close to 30 before i even told him about skipping school once and the look he gave me i thought he was going to drop kick me right there.

also keep in mind, he was pretty messed up when he came back from Vietnam like most who did.

but if you can free yourself of the prison you have had in some ways emotionally will do tremendous things for you. not to mention the impact it will have on others.

good luck hombre

[Porn Shop Clerk]

Apparently I don't have this ability, or he doesn't, or some combination of the two.

I honestly feel like I am talking to some alien person when we try and have a serious conversation.

Zero connection.

Does anyone else have this issue ? Or am I just especially fuged up? (yeah yeah)

yeah. it happens.