so uh im having a kid

[Floppin]

You guys don't know poo. Let me tell you about my birthing experience.

So the epidural only worked on half her body. So she couldn't move her right leg while she still had pain in her left one.

The epidural almost stopped the contractions so they had to get her pitocin, a drug that is used to induce labor.

So she could only feel half her body while the other half was in intense pain and then she's given an intense stimulant so she starts shaking, really borderline seizing, and sweating profusely.

So the babies not coming because she can't get her muscles to contract correctly due to the fuged up epidural. So they have me sit on the foot of the bed and have us both pull on opposite ends of a rolled up towel in order to engage her appropriate muscles. There's nothing like curling your woman with a towel until your arms almost fall off while the doctor has to simultaneously wipe away the poop, yes poop, that shes subsequently forcing out of her asshole down between your knees.

So after doing this for countless hours it determined that her pubic bone is small and that the baby just won't come out of her vagina at it's natural size. So an episiotomy is required. For those that don't know what an episiotomy is, well they cut the vagina to enlarge it. So here I'm watching at the doctor cuts my wifes vagina from the bottom down to pretty much her asshole. Due to the pressure it literally explodes outwards in a bloody, fleshy flower opening type way. My child is then pulled out with a suction machine and her head is temporarily shaped like a squash because of this.

I then, somehow managing not to pass out, cut the cord and go over to the table to clean her up. I actually managed to then leave the birthing room with the nurses so that I could do the first bath.

All in all, the best experience of my life.

[Jase]

your anesthesiologist didn't get the thread centered on her spine. Should have made him try again.

[The Saltman]

You guys don't know poo. Let me tell you about my birthing experience.

So the epidural only worked on half her body. So she couldn't move her right leg while she still had pain in her left one.

The epidural almost stopped the contractions so they had to get her pitocin, a drug that is used to induce labor.

So she could only feel half her body while the other half was in intense pain and then she's given an intense stimulant so she starts shaking, really borderline seizing, and sweating profusely.

So the babies not coming because she can't get her muscles to contract correctly due to the fuged up epidural. So they have me sit on the foot of the bed and have us both pull on opposite ends of a rolled up towel in order to engage her appropriate muscles. There's nothing like curling your woman with a towel until your arms almost fall off while the doctor has to simultaneously wipe away the poop, yes poop, that shes subsequently forcing out of her asshole down between your knees.

So after doing this for countless hours it determined that her pubic bone is small and that the baby just won't come out of her vagina at it's natural size. So an episiotomy is required. For those that don't know what an episiotomy is, well they cut the vagina to enlarge it. So here I'm watching at the doctor cuts my wifes vagina from the bottom down to pretty much her asshole. Due to the pressure it literally explodes outwards in a bloody, fleshy flower opening type way. My child is then pulled out with a suction machine and her head is temporarily shaped like a squash because of this.

I then, somehow managing not to pass out, cut the cord and go over to the table to clean her up. I actually managed to then leave the birthing room with the nurses so that I could do the first bath.

All in all, the best experience of my life.

I prob would have died. You sir are a tough man.

[Floppin]

your anesthesiologist didn't get the thread centered on her spine. Should have made him try again.

Apparently it's dangerous to do it twice, so you just hope they get it right the first time. Or so I was told. Although I could be completely wrong on that, it's been a while. It also was a while before she noticed that it didn't work entirely, so maybe it was just that it was too late at that point.

[Darth Biscuit]

For our first kid, my wife had an episiotomy and they sucked the kid out with the suction thing... he had an egg head for the first couple of weeks... plus he had really long arms, so to this day I still call him monkeyboy...

Our second and third kids weren't nearly as difficult on her physically.

PhillyB, please don't show any of this poo to your wife...

[The Saltman]

lol

[Guest]

For our first kid, my wife had an episiotomy and they sucked the kid out with the suction thing... he had an egg head for the first couple of weeks... plus he had really long arms, so to this day I still call him monkeyboy...

Our second and third kids weren't nearly as difficult on her physically.

PhillyB, please don't show any of this poo to your wife...

Yah, not much she can do about it now, but you don't want to scare her. Leave that to her woman friends.

[Jase]

My first was 8 pounds, second was 10 pounds. Episiotomy both times, tearing on the second one. Ouch.

My daughter had jaundice, my sun had a terrible rash. We found out later that it's because he was allergic to all the wheat my wife ate while pregnant.

2/3 of my son's length was in his torso. He looked like some weird worm alien. A beautiful weird worm alien.

We're not having any more kids for fear that my wife is going to have to pop out a 12 pound baby next.

[Floppin]

My first was 8 pounds, second was 10 pounds. Episiotomy both times, tearing on the second one. Ouch.

My daughter had jaundice, my sun had a terrible rash. We found out later that it's because he was allergic to all the wheat my wife ate while pregnant.

2/3 of my son's length was in his torso. He looked like some weird worm alien. A beautiful weird worm alien.

We're not having any more kids for fear that my wife is going to have to pop out a 12 pound baby next.

Yeah my daughter had jaundice. We had to have her in a bili-blanket for two weeks. It was a huge pain in the ass to have her wrapped up in this neon glowing plastic blanket with a huge cord attached to a machine for two weeks, at all times. Apparently though, the higher the bilirubin count (up to a point, at which point it does brain damage....go figure) the higher the IQ, according to studies.

[The Saltman]

so you're afraid your wife is going to have a jase??

hardy harr harr

[PhillyB]

You guys don't know poo. Let me tell you about my birthing experience.

So the epidural only worked on half her body. So she couldn't move her right leg while she still had pain in her left one.

The epidural almost stopped the contractions so they had to get her pitocin, a drug that is used to induce labor.

So she could only feel half her body while the other half was in intense pain and then she's given an intense stimulant so she starts shaking, really borderline seizing, and sweating profusely.

So the babies not coming because she can't get her muscles to contract correctly due to the fuged up epidural. So they have me sit on the foot of the bed and have us both pull on opposite ends of a rolled up towel in order to engage her appropriate muscles. There's nothing like curling your woman with a towel until your arms almost fall off while the doctor has to simultaneously wipe away the poop, yes poop, that shes subsequently forcing out of her asshole down between your knees.

So after doing this for countless hours it determined that her pubic bone is small and that the baby just won't come out of her vagina at it's natural size. So an episiotomy is required. For those that don't know what an episiotomy is, well they cut the vagina to enlarge it. So here I'm watching at the doctor cuts my wifes vagina from the bottom down to pretty much her asshole. Due to the pressure it literally explodes outwards in a bloody, fleshy flower opening type way. My child is then pulled out with a suction machine and her head is temporarily shaped like a squash because of this.

I then, somehow managing not to pass out, cut the cord and go over to the table to clean her up. I actually managed to then leave the birthing room with the nurses so that I could do the first bath.

All in all, the best experience of my life.

no

[Inimicus]

Go for the scheduled c-section and then just watch the hack the baby out with a knife.

Ours was breech so we didn't schedule it but I got to see them do major abdominal surgery on my old lady and got a perfectly shaped baby noggin to boot.

It was very cool to be standing there in the operating room talking to my wife while they had her gut split open pulling out a baby.

[Hawk]

my mom had 6 kids, none under 10 pounds and had 4 of the six at home....tell your wife to suck it up!!!!

<<< 11 pounds, 6 ounces at birth, barely fit in the little glass box

[The Saltman]

get ready to never have sex again.