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Other NFL Guarantees Inspired by Ryan Kalil

w280sax

By w280sax,
in Carolina Panthers

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w280sax Rising Star

w280sax

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I guarantee...to take a knee after fielding kickoffs with an unwavering intensity and determination that is warrior-like the first time and everytime this season. My touchbacks will inspire my offensive unit until they achieve their inevitable three and out with maximum efficiency.

--Browns Kick Returner Josh Cribbs

I guarantee...that I will keep self-inflicted gunshots to an absolute minimum during this NFL season.

--Plaxico Burress

I promise to not curl up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb, on the field when the pressure is on and I absolutely have to miss a big kick this season. Also, I promise to never hurt myself celebrating Gramatica-style after making a big kick. In fact, I'll just not make any big kicks to be safe.

--Olindo Mare

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w280sax Rising Star

w280sax

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I promise to not publicly discuss my foot fetishes or any other peculiarities that I may have. In fact, I will definitely not discuss how I like to jello wrestle with midget transvestites while wearing a diaper and a cologne made of my own urine. Nope, I guarantee that I won't talk about that.

--Rex Ryan

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w280sax Rising Star

w280sax

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I guarantee that we, the Jacksonville Jaguars, will NOT win the Super Bowl. I mean, honestly, have you seen our team? I think our roster may be some sort of practical joke. Blaine Gabbert? I don't even know who our receivers are? Our running back is awesome but I think he may be holding out due to embarassment moreso than for money and really who can blame him. No, we definitely won't win a Super Bowl...I don't know if we will win a game.

--Maurice Jones Drew

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