A Little Engineer Humor

[Shamrock]

Couldn't help but post these. Alverez found them and said he thought of me. Now I know why - I'm guilty of many of these...lol...

You might be an engineer if:

1)You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

2)You enjoy pain.

3)You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

4)You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".

5)You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

6)It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

7)You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".

8)You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

9)You think in "math".

10)You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

11)You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

12)You have a pet named after a scientist.

13)You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

14)The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

15)You can translate English into Binary.

16)You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".

17)You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

18)You are completely addicted to caffeine.

19)You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

20)You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".

21)When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

22)The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

23)You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

24)The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

25)You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.

26)The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

27)You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

28)You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.

29)You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

30)You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.

31)You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

32)You have never backed up your hard drive.

33)You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

34)You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

35)You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

36)You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon

37)You've even calculated how much you make per second.

38)Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

39)You understood more than five of these jokes.

40)You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach:

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Top 14 reasons to date an engineer:

14. We are trained to do it right the first time

13. We are used to all nighters

12. We are always willing to experiment

11. We know how to decrease and increase friction

10. We know all about heat transfer

9. We do it with more torque

8. We can wire your circuits

7. Free body diagrams

6. Potential for smart children

5. Engineering couples have better moments

4. We know how to deal with stress and strain

3. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force

2. "Lubrication, Friction and Wear" is actually a class

1. The world DOES revolve around us....we pick the coordinate system

[hmsmike]

Promptly forwarded to my engineers!

[Jase]

engineers >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> everyone else

[pantherfan49]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across campuswhen one said, "Where did you get such a greatbike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but

I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens

keeper. Let's have a word with him." ..........

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters lost their sight having our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. A few years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly unsolvable problem they were experiencing with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried every-thing

and everyone to no avail.

In desperation, they called the retired engineer, who had solved so many of their problems in the past, begging him to help them out with this difficult situation. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent 1 day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The defective part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly to everyone's relief.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark - $1.00.

Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00."

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

Normal people believe that: "...if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,

building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, "I like both." The others: "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a

mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and

put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that

I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Shamrock]

Promptly forwarded to my engineers!

Mike - I've got one better for you: tell them what Randy Dorton told me long LONG ago when I was at UNCC and interning about Mechanical Engineering and why we are superior:

If it sits there, a civil engineer did it.

If it sits there and blinks, and electrical engineer did it.

If it will make your body blink, a nuclear engineer did it.

If it stinks, a chemical engineer did it.

If it moves and does something cool, then a Mech E did it.

That's all there is to remember. lol

[hmsmike]

Mike - I've got one better for you: tell them what Randy Dorton told me long LONG ago when I was at UNCC and interning about Mechanical Engineering and why we are superior:

If it sits there, a civil engineer did it.

If it sits there and blinks, and electrical engineer did it.

If it will make your body blink, a nuclear engineer did it.

If it stinks, a chemical engineer did it.

If it moves and does something cool, then a Mech E did it.

That's all there is to remember. lol

That sounds exactly like something like the late great Mr. Dorton would have said!!

Absolutely Perfect!