Writing my second screenplay tell me what you think

[Gipetto]

This is the opening to my second screenplay. It's a very rough first draft. It's also copywrited so don't get any ideas.

FADE IN:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

This place has an old style Blues feel to it and judging from the celebrity photos hanging on a wall its garnered some mild success in the past.

Its midnight here, the kitchen is closed and the stage is empty. Bartenders tirelessly mix, serve and crack open beer bottles for those late night stragglers.

INT. BAR OFFICE - NIGHT

A Single swinging light blub illuminates this dark and gloomy room. Behind an old English style desk sits ROBERT GRITTLE (50) his chiseled chin and handlebar mustache accentuate his existential personality.

Across from Robert sits HENRY PIKULA (25) an overweight bald Drug dealer with a bloody nose and a black eye. His Crimson red blood encompasses his entire mouth and neck soaking into his white collared shirt.

Robert sits their for a beat as he stares henry down. Avoiding eye contact henry can only look away as tears run down his face.

Robert pulls a tiny bag of cocaine out from behind his desk and sets it on the table. He slides it forward.

ROBERT

Question? Do you like movies henry?

HENRY

I seen a couple.

ROBERT

There’s this one thing i like to do when im watching a movie. It’s rather strange but to each his own they say.

Robert chuckles

ROBERT (CONT’D)

You see, during a movie scene whether its in the beginning or in the end i like to look at the actors eyes. A persons eyes to me are an expression to a persons true feelings. Some say its a window to a persons soul and some just say its nothing. Henry look into my eyes and tell me what you see.

Henry slowly looks up at robert

HENRY

I... I just see a man.

ROBERT

Precisely, you see Henry; when we look at another person we see what we want to see which in turn could be just a plain man or a women. Its not until we take a step back, I mean really take a step back and look at a person. Then and only then will we learn a persons true intentions.

(beat)

Do you want to know what i see when i look into your eyes henry

Henry nods his head as to say “yes”

ROBERT (CONT’D)

I see a scared man. I see a man that lost his way many years ago, A man that hangs onto lifes string with a single finger. A man desperately screaming for help in a room full of deaf people.

HENRY

I’m not desperate, i just didn’t see another way to make money

Robert turns his face away then looks back at henry.

ROBERT

Thats the problem with the world today henry no one looks anymore. Look around you there are jobs everywhere you land your eyes on.

Robert holds up a coffee mug on his table

ROBERT (CONT’D)

Take this mug for example, it has many jobs. Someone had to make this mug right? Someone had to approve the color for this mug right. Someone had to hire the guy that approved the guy to make this mug right. That’s in total three jobs so far for this simple little mug henry. So don’t you dare tell me that you didn’t know of another way to make money.

HENRY

Could you give me a job then

Robert chuckles leading up to an all out belly laugh.

ROBERT

fug no. I got an image to maintain here. I can’t have no skinny drug dealer serving my customers. you can understand that right.

HENRY

What are you gonna do with me then.

ROBERT

That is the big question isnt it.

Robert stands up, walks around his desk and stands directly behind henry. He reaches inside his blazer. Pulls out a gun and presses it HARD against the back of henrys head.

Henry breaks into an hysterical crying fit. Tears roll down his face blending into the beard of blood covering his mouth.

ROBERT (CONT’D)

You feel that? It’s not fear its adrenaline your bodys flight or fight response which is often misinterpreted as fear. Don’t you ever confuse the two henry.

HENRY

(crying out to henry in a whipering tone)

Please.... Please no.

Robert takes his hand and knocks on a nearby wooden filing cabinet replicating the sound of an elevated heart beat.

THUMP...THUMP THUMP, THUMP, THUMP...

Robert closes his eyes. He rocks his head back and forth perfectly synching up with each and every sound he makes on the cabinet.

ROBERT

It’s such an amazing thing what the body does in response to a traumatic situation.

(beat)

I wonder what would happen if i do this.

Robert pulls the hammer back on the gun.

Henry lets out a loud WAIL! Erratically rocking the chair he’s tied to. He WHIMPERS out as his body is filled with fear.

Robert speeds up his methodic knocking on the filing cabinet now replicating an even faster heart beat.

ROBERT (CONT’D)

Amazing, simply amazing.

HENRY

(screaming)

Just fugING do it already. You crazy old fug.

Robert abruptly stops.

ROBERT

Acceptance. The last of the five stages of death. I guess i have no choice but to shoot. Seems you’ve already accepted death as is. So be it.

Robert rubs the barrel of the gun in a circular motion into the back of henrys head seeming looking for that sweet spot. He tightens his grip. Pulls the trigger and just before the bullet fires he moves the gun to the side BANG! SHATTERING the coffee mug on the desk.

[4Corners]

tl;dr

[YoungPanthers89]

never fails

[malik]

you really have to give us a plot outline first so we can decide if we want to read it.

[Guild]

Fun times, drug dealer dialogue needs more character.

[sharkkiller]

a couple of things.....could be a decent story, but I agree the drug dealer needs more character development. We, as an audience, need a reason to care whether he lives or dies. Doesn't have to be much, just have the guy ask him a question about his background. Make him a rich spoiled brat if you want us to want him to die, make him a starving maqn trying to feed his sick mother and 12 puppies if you want us to feel sorry for him.

Also, you start out using some really big words when you are just describing the room, and the people. How can a personality be existential? Just might want to tone down on the $5 words a little bit.

Just my two cents.

Keep it up though, you seem to have a talent.

[tarheelblue89]

I enjoyed it. Not sure if I agree on the whole "drug dealer needs more depth" thing. I'd say yes to that if the character had the bigger role in the film or if he was just in the opening scene.

Which if he does then yea, I'd agree with shark with just giving us a question about who this guy is or what led him to being in this situation.

[Gipetto]

Thanks for the feedback.

Im still working on the story so a synopsis is kinda hard at this point.

[PhillyB]

what decade/country is this supposed to take place in? nobody does handlebar mustaches anymore, and i certainly wouldnt use that style of facial hair to conjur up images of existentialism...

whats the context of this? what sort of screenplay are you trying to write?

are these characters introduced in the opening critical to the rest of the play? are they main characters? is this scene itself crucial?

Good luck with it - cool to see a fellow writer on the huddle. i'm in the preparatory stages of trying to write a book thats been slowly accumulating in my brain for the past two years - as someone who struggles to turn on inspiration like a faucet i applaud you on getting even this far. stick with it

[sharkkiller]

what decade/country is this supposed to take place in? nobody does handlebar mustaches anymore, and i certainly wouldnt use that style of facial hair to conjur up images of existentialism...

whats the context of this? what sort of screenplay are you trying to write?

are these characters introduced in the opening critical to the rest of the play? are they main characters? is this scene itself crucial?

Good luck with it - cool to see a fellow writer on the huddle. i'm in the preparatory stages of trying to write a book thats been slowly accumulating in my brain for the past two years - as someone who struggles to turn on inspiration like a faucet i applaud you on getting even this far. stick with it

I know the feeling man, I have been working on a novel for years. Still haven't gotten past chapter 5. lol

Good luck with your writing.

[CharlotteBeer.com]

I think you'd do well to go back and make sure you're following one of the most basic "rules" of writing: show, don't tell. This is especially critical with screenwriting -- everything you write must be able to be seen on film. So don't say this place has a "Blues feel" to it: instead, write about how a blues track plays on an old jukebox, or about the old decor around the bar.

Like another poster, I take issue with the "existential" personality. Even if the person does in fact have such a personality, you can't see that on film. You need to have that inner personality inform his outer actions -- how does he act existential?

You say that "Robert sits their [sic] for a beat." Everything I've read on screenwriting urges writers to avoid using beats. Instead, explain what's going on in that period of time. I think that line would read just as well to say "Robert stares Henry down for several seconds."

I like a lot of aspects of this dialogue, but by and large it is too long. Brevity is incredibly important with writing in general, but dialogue in particular. So instead of "Question? Do you like movies henry" you might say "You like movies, Henry?"

Here's another example: "You see, during a movie scene whether its in the beginning or in the end i like to look at the actors eyes. A persons eyes to me are an expression to a persons true feelings. Some say its a window to a persons soul and some just say its nothing. Henry look into my eyes and tell me what you see."

I like what you're saying here, but it would be more powerful if it were shorter.

"When I watch a movie, I like to look at the actor's eyes. They say a lot about a person. Some say eyes are a window to the soul -- some say that's crap. Look me in the eyes, Henry. What do you see?"

Now, on to the voice. I like Robert's voice, but it's not consistent. For example, he has these moments where he speaks with lofty language about very esoteric ideas -- like the talk about eyes and mugs. That is not in keeping with this dialogue, however: "fug no. I got an image to maintain here. I can’t have no skinny drug dealer serving my customers. you can understand that right." See how that just doesn't fit with the way Robert's voice sounded earlier in the conversation?

Overall, I'm interested in learning more about Robert -- but I'm assuming he's the film's antagonist?

[Gipetto]

Thank you so much guys for the feedback. I have about 80 more pages of this screenplay that i wrote in about 3 days time length so i know its still pretty rough. Excellent points on roberts voice i hadn't noticed it before. Also as of last night i changed this up quite a bit hopefully one day i can finally get a finished product. Like Ernest hemmingway once said " first drafts are always poo.