If programming languages were religions

[natty]

Dead on.

I guess I'm a fundamentalist christian.

http://www.itu.dk/courses/BPRD/E2010/religion.txt

C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world

is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't

convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will

think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are

willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based

on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like

the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules,

which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not

only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but

they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web

market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that

it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at

least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the

core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell"

was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but

adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile

that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great

atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that

it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who

disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be

threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at

a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation

(which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many

theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd

probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't

discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no

centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire

universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough

to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that

it's the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that

many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything

useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but

that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't

look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern

languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous

deities.

Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane

incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt

your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task

at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted

for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and

allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by

those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection

to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and

ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified

as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most

people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people

with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need

to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel

relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they

have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that

it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled

over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead,

for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals

demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive

even today.

APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow

it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank

that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief

that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop

and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to

sell your soul to be a Satanist...

[davos]

I've heard of java before but that's about it