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Ugghhh....what a friggin' day.

shinner

By shinner,
in Huddle Lounge

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Skew Newbie

Skew

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Hey Skew...I wish I coulda been that eloquent...but I was in his face, maybe 2-3" away screaming at him that I'd had enough of his sh*t and to get the f*ck out. It's not like he hasn't heard me curse before but they just kinda fly out when I'm really pissed off. That's what I mean about being a sh*tty parent....I shouda said things like your parents did but I just blew up. We've had the "if you can't live by our rules" conversation (a few times...and in a normal speaking voice) before but he just doesn't seem to get it. His most often used phrase is "why can't you just leave me alone"...and not as a way to shrug off the conversation, but as a serious question. My son has a very unique outlook on how the world is and soon enough he's going to have his eyes open and realize his parents weren't full of sh*t when they tried to tell him.

You got his cell phone # don't you? I thought you said he had a cell phone.

If you do, it's never too late to say those things. It's only later.

Call him, and make sure he knows it's not that you don't love him. I tell him you love him. It because he can't live under your house if he doesn't respect your rules. Tell him you'd do that to any family member. But always stress it's not because you don't love them, it's because you do.

And if he doesn't answer, leave a voice mail. He may not listen to it tonight. But he will listen to it.

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engine9 Newbie

engine9

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Man I have kicked this around and around trying to type out something that would help you and I just can't find it. Likely it's because I'm satisfying my weekly addiction to Milwaukee :D

The best thing I could say is listen to what Skew said. You're NOT going to help yourself or your son (and indirectly your second son) by giving in to this behavior. You're doing the right thing. Maybe you are doubting yourself about it, but I guarantee you and I bet you could too, that if you give in on this you're going to still doubt yourself PLUS you're going to have to live with having given in when deep down you know you shouldn't have. I didn't leave home on good terms, but I'm on good terms now. I can't figure out how to say it, but your son has come to a point where he's decided that he is going to sink or swim on his own. There's nothing you can do except to call him like Skew said. You've done what you could, and if you think you're a shitty parent then chances are you're just the opposite. 99% of those who are big feeling and think they are great parents are just victims of their children. You've got your other son to think about, and more importantly you've got yourself to think about. You can't do the wrong thing as an appeasement. You won't be able to live with it. As difficult as it will seem being estranged from your son, it will be worse if you can't live with yourself.

If you don't do what you know is right it'll eat you up even worse than you're hurting now. There's always a chance that he'll realize whats up and come back within a week. If that doesn't happen though, keep in mind that this young man didn't download his respect for others (aside from his parents) off the internet. He got it from his raising. If he got that then you did right by him, and he has arrived at that point of awareness when he is old enough to decide for himself what to do. You can question this or that, but ultimately there is NOTHING you can do, other than the absolute right thing. That's what you've done. I doubt very seriously that this is the first time you've done the right thing and it didn't hurt.

Hang in there. Don't forget son #2. Son 1 has made his choice. Son 2 is likely the one that has all the questions at this point. Some sincere honesty about the situation will help him more than you know.

Just remember that you're doing the right thing, and even though it sucks and hurts because of it, there would be worse suckage and pain if you didn't do the right thing. Stay strong man.

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shinner Newbie

shinner

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You got his cell phone # don't you? I thought you said he had a cell phone.

If you do, it's never too late to say those things. It's only later.

Call him, and make sure he knows it's not that you don't love him. I tell him you love him. It because he can't live under your house if he doesn't respect your rules. Tell him you'd do that to any family member. But always stress it's not because you don't love them, it's because you do.

And if he doesn't answer, leave a voice mail. He may not listen to it tonight. But he will listen to it.

Hey Skew....I did this last night. As expected he didn't answer the phone so I left a VM telling him that despite what he probably thinks, I don't hate him and I do love him. Also said I hoped he understood why I made him leave...that he pushed me too far with not obeying our rules. I don't remember or not, but I think I also said that if he thought he could live by the rules we set, he could come home. As of now he's not called or sent a txt message.

I don't think he's done so to my wife either...and he prefers her over me (probably because she's always been more lenient). I looked in his room and saw what he took and what he left behind. When I was in RI, I bought him a Red Sox jersey he wanted so he could wear one to the game we have tickets for in June. Gave it to him after school the day all this went down. Back in January we went to a Flyers game in Philly. On the way out we stopped in the team store. He talked my wife into buying him a new jersey with his name and number on it. Both the Flyers and Sox jerseys were hanging next to each other. He took the Flyers jersey and left the Red Sox one. I'm pretty sure he did that on purpose to send me a message.

Man I have kicked this around and around trying to type out something that would help you and I just can't find it. Likely it's because I'm satisfying my weekly addiction to Milwaukee :D

Thanks Lando...you did a fine job for a man on a drunk.

So...what's happened since I originally posted? I sent my sister a txt message asking that she let me know if Jimmy contacted her. He thinks she's a "cool" Aunt and I know he txts her a lot and leaves comments back and forth with her on myspace. She hadn't heard from him but asked me why. I told her the story and she tried calling him (this was Friday night). He didn't answer so she sent him a txt message. He answered that he was at his GF's (as I suspected) and everything was fine.

She called him again yesterday and talked to him for a few minutes. She told him he has to find a way to get to school every day or the truant officer would be on his case. He said he knew and was working on it. His GF lives 40 mins from here (north of Gettysburg). He does have a couple friends from school in Gettsyburg so I imagine he's going to try and catch a ride with them. The high school is about a mile west of us and 30 mins east of Gettysburg. My sister also told him he better make sure his GF's parents don't contact Child Protective Services because they would crawl up mine and my wife's asses and it could end up hurting his younger brother. She's going to keep me informed of any contact she has with him.

Me....well, this all caught up with me about 1AM on Saturday. I tired to go to bed but ended up crying (more like weeping and moaning) hysterically for about 2 hours and finally fell asleep around 4AM. Woke up sore as hell in my stomach. Since then I have periods where I just break down. My wife has kept herself busy around the house so her mind hasn't been on it though we've both just been sitting in the living room silent, in sort of a daze. No TV, nothing...only noise is son #2 playing Wii or with one of his friends. He doesn't really understand that his brother has been booted. He only saw him leave with his bike, guitar and a duffle bag. To him it looked no different than the other times he's gone to sleep over at a friend's house.

This is killing me....

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shinner Newbie

shinner

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Don't really know where she lives other than a general area...hell, we don't even know her last name (at least I don't, my wife may).

I can't do that anyway...he's got to decide if he wants to come home and live by our rules.

I could probably raid his computer and see if there's any info on there. Don't have his password but I have the administrator account and should be able to access it. I should talk to my sister and see what his myspace address is. I know he has a couple (maybe as many as 3) and used to have them bookmarked but lost that in hard drive crashes.

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mantal Newbie

mantal

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Actually, I'm a mess...his picture is right above the TV and every time I catch a glimpse of it I break down a little.

I hope this turns out the same but right now it's killing me. I feel like there's a softball stuck in my throat.

Thanks...I hope it works out.

Thanks man...

Hey Skew...I wish I coulda been that eloquent...but I was in his face, maybe 2-3" away screaming at him that I'd had enough of his sh*t and to get the f*ck out. It's not like he hasn't heard me curse before but they just kinda fly out when I'm really pissed off. That's what I mean about being a sh*tty parent....I shouda said things like your parents did but I just blew up. We've had the "if you can't live by our rules" conversation (a few times...and in a normal speaking voice) before but he just doesn't seem to get it. His most often used phrase is "why can't you just leave me alone"...and not as a way to shrug off the conversation, but as a serious question. My son has a very unique outlook on how the world is and soon enough he's going to have his eyes open and realize his parents weren't full of sh*t when they tried to tell him.

My dad did that when I was 14, I kicked his ass and it was more than 10 years before we hooked up again...

Now I love my dad and wish I had been more like him, he's the best man I know. It happens...

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5158Poundin Newbie

5158Poundin

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I am keeping you in my prayers....sorry to hear that your son is bent on this path but it is probably the best thing you could do for him. Tough love is exactly that, it's sometimes tough to love and it will get better once your son realizes that he had everything but was too stubborn to see the truth.

My brother endured the exact same thing. Mom had to kick him out at 17. He spent 2 years chewing around screwing up and living what he thought was the good life. Eventually he wore out the patience and welcome of all his friends and their parents and he came to me first to ask for help. I let him stay with me (I was in college) and I told him it was time to work things out with our mom. She helped him get a job, get his GED and get back on his feet and then he went into the Army. It was the best thing ever for him to grow up, own up and realize that his mom loved him and it wasn't too late to start again. He's a better man and a dad himself now and truly appreciates all our mom did back when he was stupid, young and foolish.

Give it time. I will keep your family in my prayers. Your son will come to that realization but unfortunately it is on his time, not yours. Keep to your guns but let that boy know you love him and that won't change. It's all you can do. You can't force him until he grows up and realizes that you have always loved him. Hang in there.

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