Totally tasteless and offensive wife jokes

[The Saltman]

[Panthro]

Why can't Helen Keller Drive?

She's a woman

[natty]

A woman goes to the doctor with bruises all over her...

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Hawk]

this thread sticks of yesterday! get with it people...

[ThPantherFan]

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

I haven't had that good of a laugh in awhile. Will you marry me? You must have the best sense of humor I've ran across in a long time. Those are great!

[The Saltman]

you dont think boo made those up do u?

[ThPantherFan]

yes, she could have. I'm still laughing over those.

[Mvp2014]

haha, funny thread