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Rivera Already Listed as a Top Coach

Delhommey

By Delhommey,
in Carolina Panthers

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Delhommey

Posted
Posted

Mikey:

If there was a bare-knuckled fistfight involving all of the head coaches of the NFL, who would be the first one out and last one standing? The answer for last one standing would have been easy before the season ended, because Tom Cable looks like he could palm any other human's head like a basketball, but since he's out of the picture, who would be the winner? My friends and I were thinking Jack Del Rio would have the best chance (former linebacker, still appears to be in good shape).

There are so many candidates for first one out, you could argue for days. Mike Shanahan would be a seemingly obvious choice, so would Jim Caldwell (would he even fight?). Thoughts?

I think you have to include Ron Rivera in the top seeds, because Ron Rivera looks ready to whip off his glasses and smash your face at any given moment. And Mike Tomlin would also have to be up there, because he's Mike Tomlin.

Let's assume it's a 32-man, single elimination tournament. We'll make it no holds barred, so you could pull hair and bite and gouge and do whatever you want. I think these would be the seedings:

1 seeds: Rivera, Del Rio, Tomlin, Mike Munchak

2 seeds: Both Harbaughs, Raheem Morris, Lovie Smith

Lovie seems like a physically capable fellow. And I just feel like he'd have lots of pent-up anger inside of him from all those years of people telling him he's a fuging idiot.

3 seeds: Rex Ryan (225-lb bench press!), Marvin Lewis, Hue Jackson, Ken Whisenhunt

In the case of Ryan, he's way overseeded, but you'd have to beware of the smothering factor.

4 seeds: Pete Carroll, Sean Payton, Todd Haley, Jim Schwartz

That's the Overanimated White Coach group.

5 seeds: John Fox, Mike Smith, Tony Sparano, Bill Belichick

That's the "dad strength" group. Mike Smith kind of looks old, but I guarantee you he has dad strength. I bet he could drop you to the ground with one angry slap.

6 seeds: Mike McCarthy, Leslie Frazier, Steve Spagnuolo, Gary Kubiak

7 seeds: Chan Gailey, Pat Shurmur, Jim Caldwell, Tom Coughlin

WARNING: Coughlin may have angry grandpa strength.

8 seeds: Shanahan, Jason Garrett, Andy Reid, Norv

Norv is the 32nd seed.

The rest of these seedings are completely arbitrary and stupid. But if I'm sure of one thing, it's that the other 31 NFL coaches could easily kick the piss out of Norv. Even Garrett, who probably only knows how to slap fight. I say Tomlin wins the whole thing. I'd pay good money to watch him fight Rivera to the death. I bet it would be a classic. If there's a lockout, they should really do that.

http://m.deadspin.com/5773474/how-roger-ebert-and-charlie-sheen-will-help-you-overcome-your-fear-of-death

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