Friendly Reminder from your IT Dept

[TarPanther9180]

Ran across this and I thought it was funny as Hell, but true at the same time.

http://www.washingtondc.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/73716994.html

I think it might be time for those of you who work in the corporate environment to get a bit of a refresher on your IT departments unspoken rules. It seems a few of you have forgotten what it�s all about. This should provide as a reminder as to the inner workings of the corporate IT world.

1.They are all my computers; I am only letting you borrow them. People constantly laugh at me when I say this, with no idea that I am absolutely serious. I have been given the responsibility of every computer in the office; they are all under my auspices, bar none. if I am gracious enough to give you access to one of my computers, then be nice to it. Talk to it kindly, call it a nice computer, and occasionally pat the monitor. Your computer � and your IT guy � will thank you for it. Also, this applies to printers, the network connection to the outside world, the videoconference system, and the phone system. Mine. All mine. Get it? Good.

2. If you are going to use my stuff, then use it properly. This means LEARN ABOUT fugING SPYWARE. If you absolutely HAVE to go to some site during work hours (and we�ll talk about this in a minute), then make sure, when the popups start showing up, you click the little black X in the upper right hand corner. Don�t click the big flashing �OK� in the middle. Don�t. Whatever it is you think you should do � if it�s not that little grey X in the uppermost right corner, don�t do it. Don�t. Just. fuging. Don�t.

3. We know. Yeah, that�s right, we know. Every little site you�ve gone to. All the email that passes through your computers. All the instant message chats you have. We know. All of them. So the next time you decide you just HAVE to visit some idiotic website with a movie of two guys fuging a chicken, the next time you HAVE to spam emails to all your friends about the cute guy you hooked up with the other night and he gave you chlamydia, the next time you HAVE to talk to your ex-girlfriend about hooking up one more time behind your fiance�s back, think twice about who might be reading that poo, and if you�ve pissed your IT guys off. Because we know.

4. Do not take advantage of us, or our toys. It�s awful nice of us to provide you with a boatload of network storage space for your own private use. Oh, and incidentally, that network storage space at work? IT�S FOR WORK PURPOSES. That means take the seventeen gigabytes of mp3s from some pooty hip-hop artist that you got from some peer-to-peer and GET THEM OFF MY fugING NETWORK. I won�t ask nicely again. And listen to some real music � hip-hop sucks.

5. Learn to share. Look, I realize that the computer came with Windows XP. I don�t like it any more than you do. But really � that T1 we�ve got? It�s for everyone, so you can�t hog all our bandwidth by downloading the entire Fedora Core 3. Do it from home. If you want to bring it in to work and dual-boot your drive, I really don�t have a problem with it. But go back to kindergarden first and realize that hoarding is a bad thing, ok? Thanks.

6. The computer I let you use is for your use alone. This is somewhat malleable, where if someone at work needs your machine for a minute, you can let them use it. When your fourteen year old son comes to the office with you on Saturday and you let him use one of MY computers, then bitch to me about spyware, well, I�m just gonna tell you to lick the crack of my ass and spit in a cup. Sure, I�ll fix your machine, but after that you�re gonna have two icons on your desktop; �Go To Work� and �Go Home�, and �Go Home� won�t work until 5:30. Think I can�t do it? Try me.

7. Are you a Program Manager? Then keep your fuging hands off of my fuging computers. This is non-negotiable. You people could fug up a free lunch. Get the fug away from them or I will stab you in the neck with a pencil.

8. Are you in sales? Please see #7. You people are worse than Program Managers. Drink bleach.

9. Are you in Engineering? I realize that most of you have forgotten more about hardware than I will ever know. This doesn�t really give you the right to attempt to overclock the PC I�ve let you use to Ludicrious Speed. Please use discretion. Attempting to eke out a few hundred more hertz is fine; requisitioning a Freon Cooling Unit because 3.06G just isn�t fast enough is a little overkill. Trust me.

10. Oh, so you have a laptop of your own? Keep. It. Off. My. Network. If I catch an unknown machine anywhere on my net (please see #3), I will fug that machine up so badly your high-school TI calculator will be a Beowulf Cluster compared to your new paperweight. Also, I don't fix home computers. Tough poo. I hope you get herpes.

11. If you want something from your IT Department, email is your friend. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but still � if you need something from me, email it to me. Don�t blindly call me, don�t magically materialize next to my desk and sit there while I�m working on something, waiting for me to pay attention to you � email it to me. I�m not doing poo for you until I have a paper trail originating from you about it. You can follow up with a phone call, that�s fine; you can come over and say, �I just shot you an email, can we discuss?� � that�s fine too. If you just come over and leer at me while I�m in the middle of something, I will ignore you, and mentally give you cancer with my mind.

12. Anti-virus software. Look, people, it�s there for a fuging reason. Don�t try to shut it off, please? Can we at least agree on that? We spent a lot of money on that software so that it would be up and running all the time, and it�s not really my fault if you have fifty applications open and �the anti-virus software is slowing my machine down!!� So I�ll make a deal with you; if you don�t shut my anti-virus software on my computers off, I won�t shove an abacus straight up your ass. Ok? Good.

Following these 12 simple steps will make for a far more pleasing work environment. I guarantee it.

Thanks for reading.

[Carolina Husker]

Pretty much. I sold a T1 to a company and the receptionist was streaming pandora and watching Hulu videos all day and they kept complaining to our NOC that their internet was slow.

[Jase]

nice not having IT dept jackwagons.

*checks progress on black swan download*

[Acewalker]

That guy sounds butthurt

[CLTPanther]

12. is easily solved. Use enterprise ready AV and use a AV manager. That way when the dipshits turn it off, it magically turns back on without intervention. Beat that end users!

[The Saltman]

what is internet?

[TarPanther9180]

Number 8 is the big one for me. My company is run by sales guys and hate the fugers. They think they're IT Ninja's because they just bought an iPad and figured out how to setup their email on it.

[CLTPanther]

I work in a managed services company. Some lil cocksucker on our internal IT helpdesk called me an end user last week. I told him if I am an end user, he must be the poo on the bottom of my shoe.

[Kettle]

<-- #9

I make things better, but I do follow the rules.

Is IT really reading my chats? even if I use gChat? what about this post?

[Darth Biscuit]

There's only three of us here so we do our own IT and have a fiber connection. They literally are all my computers.

[CLTPanther]

Your company can read anything that comes across the connection depending on what type of auditing systems they have. For instance, smaller firms usually don't bother with content filtering for interwebz sites because it's not really that cheap to implement and track. For larger firms, most of them do URL filtering, email/IM archiving etc. If you want to talk dirty to people over MSN messenger for instance, I can tell you how to get it encrypted so no one can read it except the person you are actually talking to.

[Kettle]

i'm at a pretty big company. can't use MSN, AIM, etc. Only theirs as far as a desktop application. chat on gmail and FB works though so i take some conversations there. sounds like that doesn't do any good though.

[TarPanther9180]

Depends on how geeky your IT guys are. If they are good enough, they can read anything you do over their network.

[CLTPanther]

It really can only be kept from being read if the connection is encrypted, such as SSL. If you see a yellow lock icon in the bottom of IE, that means you are on an encrypted connection to whatever site you are on.