KSK's Hater's Guide to the Postseason: The Atlanta Falcons

[Delhommey]

Michael Vick wasn’t even that good with Atlanta, but it’s like the racial inverse of Boston. They’ll love him forever. Matt Ryan could win the next dozen Super Bowls and you’ll still see every jersey in the stands be a 2004 vintage Michael Vick.

Atlanta, by the way, is frequently cited as one of the worst sports cities in America. The Braves had the entire South to themselves for pretty much forever and can barely get anyone to care about them. I think I saw half dozen people get in a tizzy about Jason Heyward last year. Fantastic. The Falcons will never stand a chance unless they’re allowed entry into the SEC. So you could be excused for not being up to speed on what has been going on with the Durrrrty Birds lo these last forty-plus years. A brief summation:

Them sucking. Then sucking some more. Jerry Glanville wearing a bunch of hokey black poo like an even faker version of Johnny Cash. Deion Sanders being good before he left to win titles with other, better teams. Brett Favre being traded away so they could swiftly usher in the Jeff George era. Andre Rison getting his home burned down by Left Eye. That one good season in ’98 where they kept the far more entertaining Vikings team out of the Super Bowl then proceeded to get blown out by the Broncos and have Eugene Robinson arrested for solicitation. Michael Vick being exciting but erratic and eventually jailbound. Bobby Petrino fuging the team over but nobody caring because it’s the Falcons. Matt Ryan being a mediocre shriveldick.

You are now caught up on Falcons history.

It’s a quarterback fluffing league, so it’s not surprising that Matty Ice has received an inordinate amount of credit for this BANNER Falcons season, even though if you take away Michael Turner, the offense goes entirely to poo. The Falcons are 1-3 this season in games where he’s posted fewer than 50 yards. Neutralize him and Ryan forces 30 passes at Roddy White. Annoying aging vegan Tony Gonzalez has finally hit the wall and doesn’t do anything but run five-yard crossing patterns. Kroy Biermann has a stupid name and a reality show ***** of a fiancee. Arthur Blank is Vincent Price, only unintentionally creepy. Mike Smith has eclipsed Tom Coughlin in facial ruddiness and he doesn’t even coach a cold weather team. I’ve never been to Atlanta, but the laws of urban planning dictate that if your city has a nice aquarium, it’s almost certainly a shithole. More than a few people have confirmed as much.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/01/haters-guide-to-the-postseason-atlanta-falcons-nfc-1st-seed.html

[DevilCat]

:yesnod:

One And Done

[X-Clown]

Even though they've already lost, I loved the Saints one too...

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/01/haters-guide-to-the-postseason-new-orleans-saints-nfc-5th-seed.html

There has been a noticeable change in the Who Datters since getting their long-awaited Super Bowl. Whereas last year most of them were overjoyed that anyone was paying attention to their shitty team for any other reason than multiple shots of people in the Superdome crowd with bags on their heads, now those titblisters flip out anytime speaks ill of their precious Breesus or suggests the Saints might not repeat as champions. More than any other fan base – even fugstick hypersensitive Colts fans – I’ve gotten more backlash on Twitter for cracking on teams from Saints fans. Maybe they just expect everyone to keep kissing their ass in perpetuity because some tragedy happened five years ago, but fug that poo. You got your Super Bowl. Your city is “saved” now. Piss off.

I’m getting sick of Drew Brees’ “1…2… Freddy’s coming for you…” pregame bullshit. We don’t need a white Ray Lewis. And now Breesus has gotten dangerously close to Manning and Favre levels of announcer apologia for his mistakes. You all saw the Monday night game in Atlanta. Even fuging Matt Millen was calling Brees’ fug-ups “Favrian.” “BAAAWWWWW GAAAAWWWW DREW BREES HAS AMNESIA HE DOESN’T REMEMBER HIS LAST INTERCEPTION OR EVEN WHERE HE IS WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING!” With 22 picks this year, Brees is gonna be glad he forgot about the year he turned into Jay Cutler.

I’d love to see the Saints get bounced by the 7-9 Seahawks just to see the gumbo tears of Nawlins as a bunch of newly cocky Saints fans piss and moan about how they got screwed by the playoff format. And this is coming from somehow who hates the fuging Seahawks. Don’t think it could happen? poo, the Saints shat the bed against Arizona AND Cleveland this year. Remember when Hartley missed that chip shot that cost you a win and possibly your division? Glorious.

Enjoy your run at relevancy while it lasts. If it weren’t for the Miami Dolphins being fugtarded and signing Daunte Culpepper instead of Brees, you’d never have even sniffed a division title, much less a Super Bowl. That was a gift that fell into your lap. The Saints are too inept and mismanaged to stay good after Brees retires. Soon enough, the team will suck again and Tom Benson will restart talks about moving the team to Los Angeles or whatever other market is dumb enough to pony up for a new stadium. And the rest of America won’t feel sorry for you.