Fart stories

[Matt Foley]

Give up your best real life experience.

I went camping with friends one weekend. I let the loudest, vibratin'ist fart I've ever let in my life. It had everything you'd want if you were in a fart contest. Volume, length, the funny flapping sound. My friend, the fartinest man this side of the Mississipp, took all of two minutes to top me. Our other friend was in a tent 50 feet away with his girlfriend, who he claims told him "My God, was that really them? What the hell is wrong with them?"

[Samuel L. Jackson]

I can tell you why it makes the flapping sound...

What kind of sick thread is this?

We were once in the mall, and I ripped a silent one... It smelled like dead bear... The funniest part was when these teenagers that were trailing us got a whiff of it a few moments later one of them said "OMG! Someone's gonna die!"...

As a follow up to that story... I had told that to our friends that went with us on the cruise last winter... As we were boarding the plane at one of our stops, someone farted on the ramp... The girl from the other couple pronounced loudly "OMG! Someone's gonna die!"... Yeah... Not the best thing to shout as you are boarding a plane...

[House]

I was in the Navy at the time of the "Great Gastrointestinal Disaster".

We were out in the Indian Ocean, middle of nowhere, litterally. We had been on a 46 hour hit with 2 carrier groups headed for the gulf. There were only 32 Naval personel on the ship and only 21 of us were maintainers. I was one of two landing signalmen (enlisted), I had pretty much been working the whole 46 hours in 100+ degree heat. I stank like poo.

The birds land and we proceed to do our inspections.

After another 3 hours pretty much all of the inspections had been completed except for removing the cabin sound proofing for the 30 hr. This is a PITA. So myself, Jenni, Ellis, and Charlie all crawl into the cabin to knock it out quick. The combined smell of 4 stinky bodies was bad enough. Then it starts to rain, so we have to close the cabin doors. This amplifies the stench exponentially.

All of this would not have been so bad if that motherfuger Ellis hadn't of been on a "No Carb Diet" for the last 3 weeks. All that son of a bitch had eaten was beans and cheese. That sorry piece of poo chose the exact moment that the cabin doors closed to let loose the most repulsive smell man kind has ever known. I poo you not.

The worst part was that it was silent, if it had of been loud then everyone would have known to clear out. Instead we unknowingly proceeded with our work. As soon as the smell hits Jenni her eyes bulge and she turns white, no small feat for a Laotian. I smell it right after her but it is too late. Jenni is puking her guts out, everywhere, in a 4'x6' room.

It was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

[House]

Got another one.

My boss and 2 of the guys I work with were on our way to check out a new machine our company was wanting to purchase. So we are standing in the terminal of the airport waiting on our flight. The area is packed with waiting travelers. My boss is leaning against one of those huge plexiglass windows that look out onto the tarmac.

He had to fart and thought that he could get it out silently without everyone noticing. So he lets loose. Well the fuging window was not screwed in properly or something cause when he starts farting that fuger starts vibrating loud as fug.

His face turned so red that everyone knew what had happened.

I was ROFLMFAO, the lady sitting next to where he was standing grabbed her kid and literally ran away. Holy poo, that was fuging hilarious.

[Matt Foley]

I once grabbed a microphone at the front of a store and farted into it.

My friend was doing Lamaze (sp?) with his wife, and they were asked to come to the front of the class. The instructor wanted to use my friend as an example of a breathing exercise. He tells him to loosen every muscle in his body. Right there, in front of all those couples, he lets out a good one. He said his wife didn't talk to him the whole way home.