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Teen Step-son smoking pot

o803oVaDeR

By o803oVaDeR,
in Huddle Lounge

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pstall Newbie

pstall

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Avoiding the issue will not make it go away. As long as a good talk can happen without him being banished to the Forbidden Zone and he knows the boundries going forward it should be good.

I'm a big fan of having all the cards on the table. No mysteries or using the pink elephants for coffee tables.

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o803oVaDeR Newbie

o803oVaDeR

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Whatever else you do, you have to let the wife know, or better yet, make him tell her.

If she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, then there will be hell to pay.

I dont know dude. I think she would rather not know, if she knows I am handling it, if you get what I am saying. She would end up destroying the poor child, and she knows that. Every now and again she reaches her breaking point and asks me to step in. When I do she just lets it be, and doesnt ask any questions.

So I think with all the advise I have gotten from everyone, I will have a talk with him when he gets back. He went to the beach for spring break. He is with a friend and the friend's parents. I think he will respect the fact that I am not going to rat him out to his mother. I will post what happens next week.

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Zaximus Veteran

Zaximus

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What a hard situation to handle.

First, you can be TOO strict on a kid. I seen it with people when I was in high school 10 years ago. When they go crazy, they go CRAZY. My parents were in the middle, they obviously didn't want me doing illegal things, and never condones anthing, however, they talked with me and kind of let me make my own judgements. I learned things from my actions, and luckily most things they never knew about, but it made me a better person. I was 16/17 though, not a little kid. Sometimes you have to let them learn the hardway.

I will also say, when I was a kid, the whole "disappointment" angle worked wonders on me. The pissed off parent/spanking/w/e stuff never worked on me and my parents (my dad mainly) figured this out. I think generally children want to please their parents, and generally they don't take negative re-enforcement well. When I was about to do something stupid, I didn't think about getting in trouble, I thought about the disappointment my parents would go through, and that look on their face (you know which look). It worked really well.

I think you have to tell him that stuff can't be in your house, it's illegal, and that you and your wife do not condone it and it disappoints you he's doing it (if you feel that way). Furthermore from the illegal reason, I would explain that it leads to other drugs a lot of times, and the effects it has on people's lives and careers in the future. Talk to him like an adult like someone else says, if you belitte a teenager you lose them at hello. Let him know it's you and your wife's home and you have the right to search any place in there. Ending, I would let him know that you and your wife cannot keep watch on him at all times, and you understand that he will make decisions on his own and you just hope he makes the right ones. Let him know he has the power to make decisions (teenagers want this, and I think need this) in the world but illustrate the disappointment that it would bring. Like someone said, short of locking them up 24/7, you can't stop them from doing things, but what you can do is keep a open dialogue with your child and make sure they know all the facts so they can make a proper decision, and also where you stand.

You could also try taking him and his friends to do things, camping/fishing/paintball/sports, anything. Show them you can have fun without pot or other things. Find him other interests. Learn his friends, and know them. You will know which ones he shouldn't be around and talk with him about it. Doesn't mean he'll ditch the friend but maybe he'll start thinking a bit and make up his own mind. I'm sure in the past we've all had those friends we had to let go because of reasons.

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SorthNarolina Newbie

SorthNarolina

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I haven't read the topic so sorry if I'm just repeating what somebody else said.

Absolutely make sure that he isn't doing any harder drugs. It is GUARANTEED that some of the people he gets high with will start doing harder stuff. They will start offering him harder drugs, you have to make sure he knows when to draw the line.

Also make sure he isn't smoking 24/7, we'd all love to smoke pot all the time but you'll turn into a bum if you do.

Last, scare the piss out of him about smoking pot outside of parties/homes. Make sure he knows that it can ruin his life if he's caught smoking behind the wheel. He's under 18 but still it's bad news.

I went to a really jaded high school as far as drugs go. I was shocked when I got to college and learned how other kids experiences went. I thought all high schools had coke, weed, and pills. I thought it was normal to sell any pain pills you got to the junkies for a little spendin' money.

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CarolinaKid704 Newbie

CarolinaKid704

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Theres a cool way to handle this, theres a positive way to handle this, theres a negative way to handle this, theres a destructive way to handle this....

So far you sound like your doing all the right things. I dont think consequences register in an 18 year old 'nothing can touch me' type age. The best thing you can do is just to relate to the kid. Let him set his own priorities, this shouldnt be a life and death issue.

A good selling point would be, "You can smoke pot for the next 80 years of your life if you want to, but other things such as sports and academics will realistically be around shorter then you think." Talk about being smart and responsible for his own decisions.

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SmootsDaddy89 Enthusiast

SmootsDaddy89

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I do feel like I have the right to search his room, if I suspect something. It is my house, and it was 10 years before he moved in as well. Am I wrong in thinking that way?

You do have the right to search his room, because again it is your house. You also have the right to take a poo in his bed everyday and make him clean it up, because it's your house.

The problem is that neither of those actions are particularly conducive to a healthy relationship with a teenage guy, especially one who isn't biologically yours.

It seems like you have a good relationship with him, but that doesn't mean those bonds of trust are unbreakable. In this case, you were justified because you found out that he WASN'T being truthful with you. But how big of an asshole would you be if you had searched through his room and found nothing, and you had broken his trust for absolutely no reason?

Would you search through your wife's belongings based solely on a hunch that she was hiding something from you? If the answer is no, you should have paid your son that same respect.

The "We're adults and you aren't, so you don't have the same rights as your mother and I do." line won't work with a 16 year-old, no matter how much you believe it to be a valid argument.

Tread carefully.

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Davidson Deac II Grand Master

Davidson Deac II

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I dont know dude. I think she would rather not know, if she knows I am handling it, if you get what I am saying. She would end up destroying the poor child, and she knows that. Every now and again she reaches her breaking point and asks me to step in. When I do she just lets it be, and doesnt ask any questions.

So I think with all the advise I have gotten from everyone, I will have a talk with him when he gets back. He went to the beach for spring break. He is with a friend and the friend's parents. I think he will respect the fact that I am not going to rat him out to his mother. I will post what happens next week.

Well, you certainly know your own wife better than I do. I can only say that speaking from my own experience of being married 14 years, honesty and straightforwardness is the best thing most of the time.

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