Teen Step-son smoking pot

[Delhommey]

I totally think you have the right to say "No drugs in my house," but then where will he go to smoke?

I'd have a talk about it, sure. It's just going to be awkward and possibly heated. You need to have your end game figured out before you go into it.

[CharlotteBeer.com]

I would just call him "Panama Red" and see what he says. Chances are you'll scare the hell out of him and he'll stop, no talk or fist fight necessary.

[House]

You need to at least explain the consequences of his action to him. Not just in the here and now but how it could affect his future. You need to let him know that driving while stoned is not ok, mostly because if you are driving while stoned you probably have it in the car with you. That is how most people get busted.

I started smoking pot at about 15 and it is a gate way drug. Mostly because of the friends he has. If neither you or your wife smoke then he probably picked it up from a friend. If his friends move on to harder drugs he is likely to go with them if you have not talked to him. Ignoring it is not the right thing to do. I don't think that pot is a big deal. However you do need to talk to him but like an adult, not like a kid. Like someone else said, flipping out is not going to do any good.

[o803oVaDeR]

I totally respect your right as a parent to have a zero tolerance stand on this one.

So, the best thing I can tell you, both as the kid who smoked grass and the parent of a 20 year old is you cant go at him all aggressive and poo.

Don't confront him until you're calm. The worst play you have in your hand is to yell and condemn and tell him how disappointed you are. Also you should do this one on one. Don't gang up on him with your wife. Remember if he isn't talking, and I mean more than yeah, uh-huh, nope,ok type crap then he is not hearing you. Keep him in the conversation and when you feel him slipping out then back off a bit. Keep in mind this, you see him as a child, a minor. He doesn't see himself that way and so you have to be careful not to condescend or patronize. It will just shut him down.

You say he respects you and sees you as his dad in some ways. That's good, it will be easier on you. Just stay clam, don't go crazy with punishment, and use this as a chance for him to see that he can make a misstep without his folks acting like its the end of the world.

I still say let it slide but since that isn't an option just don't make this a wedge issue between you guys. In the scheme of things its pretty middle of the road.

I hear you. I am not all bent out of shape, because I understand it is not the end of the world. However, his mother would be a completely different ball game. She would go bat sh*t. He is in a band, and I am pretty sure she would be selling all his guitars and amps and what not. This is why I want to handle it with him between just the two of us.

[o803oVaDeR]

I do feel like I have the right to search his room, if I suspect something. It is my house, and it was 10 years before he moved in as well. Am I wrong in thinking that way?

[Snake]

Thanks for all the advise guys. Our relationship is good. He knows and respects my authority, but we also have a friendship type of relationship. I actually knew him before his mother. I know kinda weird, but they lived across the street from me, and he and his friends would often go with us to play paintball or football or whatever. He doesn't really have a relationship with his real dad, and has even asked if he could call me dad. I told him he could, but he still never really does. I guess I am not a new age parent. My wife nor myself smoke pot, but we do party a lot, and lots of our friends do it. I am not ok with it at such a young age. He has a lot to gain and loose right now in his life. He is just learning to drive, and will be getting a license soon. So I would be concerned with him doing it when he goes out, and driving while high. Plus at his age if he did get caught it could fall back on us. Illegal drugs in my house kinda does bother me.

The thing is this. You might not get him to stop doing it but you should not let him know its ok like some people say on here. Pot is just like liquor and at his age he should not be doing it. I would not go all postal on him and stuff cause that dose make it worse but I would tell him that that pot is not allowed you your house and if he brings it in again he is in trouble. After that tell him you trust his judgment(even if you dont) and know he will do the right thing. Positive reinforcement is a whole lot better then negative.

[Skew]

I do feel like I have the right to search his room, if I suspect something. It is my house, and it was 10 years before he moved in as well. Am I wrong in thinking that way?

Not at all.

He can make his own rules in his house.

[Mesmer]

Naw I don't think so. I mean, it's your house. He's your son, or step son, and is a minor living there for free. You have every right to know if there's some kind of illegal substance or something in your house.

I'd definitely have a talk, be honest and calm, and try to elicit an honest and calm discussion. From there you guys can talk about what sounds reasonable.

Like everyone else said, I wouldn't expect him to just stop if you come down hard on him.. but I'm not sure I'd simply ignore it.

As far as telling the wife, I'd wait and have a talk with him.. and then decide if it's necessary.

[CRA]

Once you and he are cool about it, then tell your wife and tell her you are handling it and to stay out of it.

something tells me if he tells his wife....and then says "he is handling it" by telling him it is okay to get high if kids grades are good and his life currently spinning out of control.......probably won't go over well with the wife.

[o803oVaDeR]

This reminds me of a time the boy got in trouble, and his mom took his guitar away for a week. He came to me and actually said, I dont think you guys have the right to take away my guitar. Because it is my guitar, I bought it with my money. You guys did not buy it (He bought this guitar with money myself and our family gave him for his birthday.) He was cool and calm about it, not disrespectful, but I had no choice but to laugh at him. I asked him where he kept this guitar of his? He said in my room. Then I asked him who's room? He said again my room. I corrected him, and said it was my room and I allowed him to stay there. Then I explained to him what good is owning anything if you dont own a place to put it. I told him until he moved out, it was my guitar that he purchased for me. He understood, and I never heard anything else about it.

[Jbro]

This reminds me of a time the boy got in trouble, and his mom took his guitar away for a week. He came to me and actually said, I dont think you guys have the right to take away my guitar. Because it is my guitar, I bought it with my money. You guys did not buy it (He bought this guitar with money myself and our family gave him for his birthday.) He was cool and calm about it, not disrespectful, but I had no choice but to laugh at him. I asked him where he kept this guitar of his? He said in my room. Then I asked him who's room? He said again my room. I corrected him, and said it was my room and I allowed him to stay there. Then I explained to him what good is owning anything if you dont own a place to put it. I told him until he moved out, it was my guitar that he purchased for me. He understood, and I never heard anything else about it.

If he is that understanding you should be able to talk to him easily. Also, you should of known he smokes pot when he bought a guitar.

[o803oVaDeR]

If he is that understanding you should be able to talk to him easily. Also, you should of known he smokes pot when he bought a guitar.

That is what made me suspect it! lol He has always been respectful of me and understanding, and I dont want to loose that. That is why I am getting advise and treading softly here.

[dimbee]

Here's what you do:

At the dinner table one evening, say, "[name], I was putting some laundry in your room and I found something that you were hiding and I think we need to discuss this. I am concerned and I don't want you to jeopardize your future."

Pause and look him in the eyes and watch his reaction.

Then pull out a condom.

[Mesmer]

If you want him to keep being respectful and understanding, then you definitely don't want him to stop smoking pot.

There, I said it.