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The Stench of Burnt Ass

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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Do you smell that? Can you feel that? No, it’s not the nip of fall in the air nor the smell of soccer mom’s sitting around fire pits burning fake logs they purchased at Teeter while buying an $8 bottle of Cabernet. No, my friends, what you are smelling is ass. The kind of ass that hasn’t been washed in 4 days. The kind of ass that has people side eyeing each other while in line at Aldi’s wondering who sh*t themselves. The kind of stench that you smell when you get into a Saints fan’s 1987 Dodge Caravan where the middle bench seat has more sh*t stains than Matt Ryan game worn pants.

For two and a half seasons we endured unwiped, unshaven and unbleached ass in Matt Rhule. David Tepper, who seems to be better at closing Rock Hill land deals than owning a football team, had his pudgy face buried in them rosy Rhule butt cheeks tossing that rancid salad like a Bucs fan blowing a Tom Brady blow up doll in the rear seat of his PT Cruiser. The amount of booty that has emanated from B of A since Tepper purchased the Panthers would make a pig farmer gag. I don’t think he has made a good football decision, ever. I will give him credit for firing that idiot Marty Hurney and for sh*t canning Matt Rhule, but literally, any moron would’ve made those same decisions, albeit sooner.

But fret not, my fellow Panther fans. We are all idiots for being a fan of this franchise, yet it is the life we have chosen using our free will and lack of the chromosome that gives one cognitive thought and reasoning.

A Hooter’s waitress once told me “You’re fat and should order grilled chicken, not boneless fired wings.” I lean on that advice everyday, it has made me a relatively successful sales man. I have parlayed that advice into life altering decisions, and today I am leaning on that waitress’s advice to tell you that the Panthers will get it going. I feel it in my unwashed asshole. It’s a tingling sensation that is undeniable, and it’s not caused by the Ruby Tuesday induced diarrhea that I suffer from. This team, and our new QB, will click. Sure, our defense has suffered some setbacks with injuries. Yes, Christiansen is out at guard, but I didn’t think he was our long-term guard anyway.

I am here to tell you that we roll into Seattle on Sunday and we punch that Italian QB in his mouth and we turn him over three times. Am I a huge Frank Reich fan? No. As a matter of fact, his press conferences infuriate me and its only week three. But he has surrounded himself with some smart dudes, a potpourri of coaches that should be able to mask the stench of any ass. I feel we can get our run game going and allow Bryce to settle in a bit. I think our front seven will give Gino trouble and that beautiful genius, Ejiro Evero, will scheme us into those aforementioned turnovers. This week is the week we see Bryce get his first win as and NFL QB.

Are the Panthers currently suffering from a serious case of Candida (google that sh*t) of the butthole? Yes. Is Seattle the nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug needed to eliminate that itchy burn? Yes.

 

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