Why Your Team Sucks, Panthers edition

[X-Clown]

Keep in mind this is for comedy's sake, and one is written for every team. I expect this won't stop folks from reading this, getting mad, and posting something about how the media doesn't respect us in this thread.

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-carolina-panthers-1828622854

[RumHam]

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas

[Pup McBarky]

Quote

By the end of every season, this team staggers into the playoffs with all of their captains fused together with wood glue, and then they get summarily dispatched because 10 percent of the starters do 80 percent of the work.

Truth, until this year, hopefully.

[Ricky Spanish]

This one was pretty Meh honestly. 

Years past have been better. 

[bababoey]

The Bills have some are the greatest fans ever

Quote

Zack:

Since 2013, Jim Kelly has beaten cancer more times than the Bills have beaten the Patriots.

Quote

Tyler:

I get made fun of more for being a Bills fan than for being deaf and autistic.

I could not come up with that stuff if I tried.

[X-Clown]

The fan reactions are the best part...Cowboys fans came strong this year.

 

Quote

Luke:

Our defense is one Sean Lee sneeze away from being unable to stop a retirement home bingo club.

Quote

Elliott:

Our quarterback actually said these words:

“My favorite song ever is ‘Drops of Jupiter’ by Train. It’s one of the songs I listen to before games. It’s chill, but also upbeat at the same time.”

Quote

Brad:

 

The average player lasts three seasons in the NFL, and even your top shelf non-quarterback players tend to retire around season ten. Yet, the Cowboys were somehow blindsided by a 15-year veteran tight end’s retirement.

Now we have a starting quarterback entering his supposed “make or break” third season with a receiving corps that consists of Allen Hurns, two dwarfs, a third round rookie, and drunk Lance Armstrong. Meanwhile, resident sociopath David Irving is suspended again, the linebackers consist of a rookie who is fresh off of living with Big Foot in the woods of Idaho, a second year guy with one working knee, and Sean Lee, who’s hamstring will slingshot off of him and hit the video screen at some point this season.

Not that any of that matters since Zeke is one sideways visit to Hooters from being squashed by the Ginger Hammer and our All-Pro left tackle has a back that’s made up of sawdust and toffee.

We still don’t have reliable public transportation to the stadium. Thanks, Jerry. I hope the outrageous parking fees make you enough money to buy a case of Johnny Walker Blue and John Bonham yourself.

 

[UpstatePanther]

THE ACCURACY....

 

side note: I swear @electro's horse or @*FreeFua* writes this stuff. It's great. Lol

[shaqattaq]

"Our new owner likes to display a pair of large brass testicles in his office and that’s only the second most embarrassing statue he’s stuck with."

 

LOL, that's frikkin funny!

[*FreeFua*]

45 minutes ago, Cracka McNasty said:

This one was pretty Meh honestly. 

Years past have been better. 

Yeah I have posted these in years past but after reading this one earlier I didn’t think it was worth posting.

There were a couple decent lines in this one but nothing special

[Ricky Spanish]

7 minutes ago, *FreeFua* said:

Yeah I have posted these in years past but after reading this one earlier I didn’t think it was worth posting.

There were a couple decent lines in this one but nothing special

Right? Like I thought for sure they'd go hard about the saints beating us 3 times last year and becoming our new owners, but they only skimmed that.

Last year as a whole was ridiculously dramatic and they barely touched the surface. It felt like they were hung up on the Richardson fiasco and tried to make that the overarching theme of the piece, but the other stuff was too weak to support that as the narrative. If the theme would have been about chaos instead of sexual harassment it would have been better, because last year was pretty dang chaotic. 

[Anybodyhome]

"Carolina barbecue is the way it is because Southerners are too lazy to chew."

Too good...

[Icege]

1 hour ago, bababoey said:

The Bills have some are the greatest fans ever

I could not come up with that stuff if I tried.

BRUH

[bleedsgreenandgold]

1 hour ago, bababoey said:

The Bills have some are the greatest fans ever

I could not come up with that stuff if I tried.

This one was the kicker:

 

We go to the game Sunday. I’m drinking airplane bottles of whatever I can find. I find my seat in the stadium, watch the kickoff, then wake up with 4 minutes left in the fourth quarter.

My buddy got kicked out for going to the women’s restroom. Or so I’m told.

On our way home, we stopped and ate at an Arby’s in Morgantown. It had been a few days so I was pent up. I went to the bathroom and werked it real good with liquid soap.

As I’m typing this I had to Google what the final score of the Bills game was.

I am a fuging degenerate.

[X-Clown]

I am bumping this thread to post the Saints edition, because it's much better.

 

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-new-orleans-saints-1828678549