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Detroit Week: Mullets and Mustard Stained Crotches

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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I told you assholes we were going to win.  Do you hear that?  Do you hear that high pitched squeal from Foxboro?  That is the sound of whining coming from a 5 time Super Bowl champion that is 0-2 against Cam Newton lead football teams.  Boo f*cking hoo the refs.  Boo f*cking hoo the sky was not cloudy enough.  Boo f*cking hoo our defense sucks.  Well boo f*cking hoo the Pats defense sucking didn’t seem to impact a god damned 9 point line in Vegas before the game but now the excuse seeking nancies are grasping for every straw to explain the L.  Well, I hope the Pats and Pats fans choke on that L and I hope they know that Tom Brady is still Cam Newton’s bitch.  Now pull up your pants, quit feeling sorry for yourselves, act like you’ve won five SB rings, and beat the Bucs on Thursday night.  Meanwhile, bye Tom.  We are moving on to the 8th Sh*thole of the World, Detroit.

When I think of Detroit I think of denim tuxedos, Windsor Ballets, Kid Rock and genital warts. A city that was once the epicenter of Motown and airport strip bars featuring pregnant strippers that could pick up a stack of quarters off the stage using only their labia is now hanging its hopes and dreams on a white trash musical hack as a potential senate candidate for the state of Michigan.  Kid friggin Rock has a chance at a senate seat in Washington DC thanks to Michigan.  Think about that for a minute.  They are pinning their hopes and dreams on a guy who’s lyrical talent is no better than this f*ckin internet post.  The people of Detroit are going to vote for a guy because he thinks every man, woman and child should own an Iroc Z with T-tops and a trailer hitch.  I once stopped at a Walmart just outside of Detroit in between sales calls to take a sh*t and buy some Sweetarts Rope and a stick of Gold Bond anti-chaffing ointment.  I navigated my way through a parking lot full of pot holes  that must of contained 600 rusted ass Pontiac Aztec’s.  It was a bizarre scene, almost like something from an Anthony Burgess novel.  After shopping for my male hygiene product I walked to the checkout and couldn’t help but notice that every person in that store walked with a limp while mumbling incoherent rants under their breath. The women all seemed to have the same dirty pink tight sweat pants and had labial minora hypertrophy (google that poo) induced moose knuckle that would have gagged Ron Jeremy. I was so unconcerned about impressing anybody in that store that I put the anti-chaffing ointment on my balls while in the check out line.  Other than that it’s a great town if you enjoy singing karaoke with drunk cougars looking for free cheddar bay biscuits at the Red Lobster next to the Wayne County International Airport.

Meanwhile our Panthers are 3-1 and are headed in to face a Lions team that is 3-1 and should be 4-0 if not for a stupid 10 second run off rule that the NFL has in place.  I don’t know too much about the Lions.  I think their head coach is a god damned wax figure and the offensive coordinator, Jim Bob Cooter, has the best damn name in sports.  No doubt during the summer months the Cooter supplements his income working a vendor tent at country concerts handing out free logs of chewing tobacco to teens while getting them to sign up for Skoal Rewards.  The Lions look like a good squad with a solid defense and a pretty good offense.  Looks like they could be the best all around team we’ve faced this season.  But alas, I’m not a pussy and I don’t give a damn.  We also have a good team that is 3-1 and we haven’t played a good game yet. Do you want to know a secret?  Don’t tell anyone but it looks like Cam is getting his health back.  Yes Matt Kalil sucks but we are going to overcome that this Sunday.  Our defense, even with Coleman out, is going to force Stafford to make two critical mistakes.  Detroit will try to run on us but our d-line gets their poo together and owns the trenches.  Bradberry picks off Stafford and Shag creates a fumble getting us the ball back for a go ahead score.  Cam keeps it rolling.  KB, Funchess, Stew, and CMAC all get a TD.  The Panthers walk out of Ford Field at 4-1.

 

Panthers 31

Lions 27

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Marguide Newbie

Marguide

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Ah Detroit. I spent so much time there on business that my favorite hotel sent me a Christmas card.

And as a fellow traveler SCP, I assume you visited a few of the establishments on 8 mile. I actually met Bob Seeger in one back in the day.

Good post. Brought back memories.

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