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Patriots week: Dunkin Donuts biscuits are ass water

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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Alright you bunch of whiny ass bitches.  It’s time to snap out of your sniveling ass state of pussiness and grow a pair of testicles.  The kind of testicles your dad used when he banged your mom and implanted the seed that gave birth to your privileged millennial asses.  Boo hoo we lost to the Saints in embarrassing fashion.  I for one expected Drew Brees and that drug stealing coach of his to come in and score 30+ points. I also expected that son of a steakhouse owner offensive coordinator of ours to be out coached and he was.  Suck it up.  Own the loss.  Realize that our sh*t stinks sometimes and come back to reality.  It is what it is has been replaced with missed opportunities and the only cavalry on the horizon is trumpeted by a drunk ass radio station owner named Marty Hurney.  Cram that bit of irony up your groundhog day fantasy and blow it out of your butt.  This is where we are.

 

This is the NFL and any given Sunday you can take a giant ham hock up the ass.  The key is to be prepared.  Grab a box of canned tomatoes like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption and take that ass pounding like a damn man.  In the end Bogs Diamond got his nut and ended up in a wheel chair tossing his bro’s salad through a straw while Andy and Red refurbished and shared a small wooden skiff together in the Yucatan Peninsula.  The metaphor of that was lost on me but at the end of the day we are 2-1 and we are traveling north to face a team that Cam Newton and Ron Rivera have never lost to.

 

Yes the Patriots have 5 Super Bowls and we have none but who’s counting?  Yes they are coached by a man that many feel is the GOAT.  I mean the son of a bitch wore a sweatshirt with the neck and sleeves cut off over a god damned button down at his presser today.  If that is not some damn boss sh*t I don’t know what is.  But with all that in mind, there is a chink in his armor.  The dude drives a Subaru Outback mini-station wagon to work every day. 

 

Driving a 2004 Subaru mini-wagon to work is a sign of a guy that fears for his safety.  Everyone knows that Subaru’s are a safe damn vehicle.  Bill is scared.  He is scared of sliding off the road and crashing into a river.  A river that might have a gambling boat.  That boat has a windshield that transitions from clear to tinted when it goes from overcast to sunny conditions.  That boat, let’s call it a River Boat, haunts Bill in his dreams because Bill has never beaten the river boat.  He knows that Kuechly broke up that pass to Gronk cleanly.  He knows in his heart of hearts that if his Subaru were to slide of off a bridge and collide with the river boat the Subaru would explode and burst into a ball of flames then sink to the bottom of the river where he would succumb to the Giardia parasite (google that poo) and sh*t his brains out for the next month.  It’s simple; guys that want to win football games don’t drive a 2004 Subaru Outback Coup.  This is a fact, all of their victories and Super Bowl titles are meaningless.

 

This Sunday our Panthers are making a little visit to Gillette Stadium in the great state of New England (shout out to the bandwagon Patriot fan in Clover, SC that thinks New England is a US State).  For a few days the state of New England will be infused with a little class.  For a few days, the smooth sounds of yacht rock jams will echo through the New England hills and dales as the Roaring Riot settles into enemy territory.  Pats fans driving around Foxboro in their rusted 1978 AMC Pacers trying to finger bang their ski-bib wearing Camaro hair girlfriends won’t know what to think as we teach those Dunkin Donuts eating clowns what a real biscuit is.  Star and KK are fixing to eat this Sunday.  It will not matter who is playing in our secondary because our front 7 are going to rebound.  I think we pressure Tom early and often and we get two turnovers.  Unlikely?  F*ck that.  In a major turn of events, Mike Shula somehow pulls his head out of his ass and Cam Newton finally shows that threat to use his legs enough to keep the Pats guessing.  CMAC and Samuel both get their first TDs and Cam scores a rushing TD.  For a brief moment Panther fans are fired up again and the national media calls our victory a fluke.  Panthers win.  Falcons lose.  Eat my ass Pats.

 

Panthers 27

Patriots 23

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Hoenheim Grand Master

Hoenheim

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We need to get Samuel involved more and evlove him into a Ginn type receiving threat . He has world class football speed simular to Ginn and I think he should be learning or at least trying to play outside. poo if I were the coach, what do you have to lose with the offense doing so badly 2x strait?  I'd start Funchess and Samuel outside and start Stew at RB and CMC in the slot .  Its really inexcusable not be using him or Byrd much , that has to be a huge reason why our offense is so anemic. 

They can try to make cam into a checkdown master all they want, but he's always at his best throwing the rock downfield off hard play action or scrambling for 10+ yard gains when things break down . Yea the line has to block better of course thats a huge factor as well. 

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