Fiz's Guide to Cheering for a Bad Team

[Fiz]

News Flash: the Panthers suck

They don't do anything well.

On offense, their playcalling is terrible, Jake Delhomme is a building collapsing in slow motion, defenses have figured out how to stop it, and the continuity and team work we saw with the offensive line last year has yet to materialize.

On defense, nothing works at all. They can't cover, can't tackle, can't blitz, can't get to the quarterback, and can't stop anyone.

The coaching staff looks like deer in set of headlights, and every embarrassing loss is just one day closer to judgment.

I don't think it's a stretch to say that most of you started cheering for/following this team in 2002/2003, somewhere around that time. You can see it in the names of the posters (JakeFan, PeppersPowa, etc) and the recent "appeal to history" posts in defense of, well, anyone. Whatever happened in 2003 doesn't mean a thing about what Jake, Fox, or Peppers are doing now, but it does indicate where you're emotionally tied to.

As much as we poo on everyone, every single year, from 2002 to about four weeks ago, the Panthers had a reason to believe they could contend.

2002: 3-0 f**k YEAH (should of been 4-0 DAMN YOU SHAYNE GRAHAM)

2003: Su-Per-Bowl

2004: Almost pulled most amazing comeback in history

2005: NFC Championship Game

2006: One lousy game out (I completely blame Chris Gamble for this)

2007: 2 Games out, SHOULDA STARTED MOORE EARLIER FFFFFFFFFF

2008: Hello league's second best offense what's up

2009: oh god don't look

I feel it's a safe assumption that this is the first time many of you have looked down on the field or at the television and realized with that sick sinking feeling that the Panthers aren't going to win this week, they're not going to pull it out next week, and they're not going to be able to grab Sam Bradford in the draft.

It sucks, yeah. But there are those of us who have been through worse. Some of us were baptized in the poo that was Panthers football 1997-2001. I remember when I was with Special Forces--it seems a thousand centuries ago--we went into a camp to inoculate it. The children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile--a pile of little arms.

The Panthers from 1997-2001 were laughably bad. Even in 1999, when they finished with the best offense in the league, they were laughably bad. They were poorly coached, didn't have a lot of talent, and couldn't win a close game to save their life. 2001 was just a staggeringly pitiful display. When LaVarr Aarrington intercepted Weinke's quick out and ran it back for the touchdown, they might as well have given the team 6 more losses, because you could see the Panthers give up on the field.

But this was the Panther team I grew up watching. My formative years were spent watching that abortion. The Super Bowl run was just a nice little treat for my senior year. Quite honestly I'm more comfortable when the team is poo; it's better for my nerves.

So here's my little guide to cheering for a poo team. Follow this to get you through the season, and I guarantee it'll make it easier.

Firstly, you're not going to win.

Don't f**king get your hopes up. They're not good. There's no reason to expect they're going to pull it out. This isn't a disney movie and the Panthers aren't the good guys. Just go in relaxed, have a drink, and enjoy the game. If they make it close, don't get too excited. Remember, they're not going to pull it out.

If they win, hey, good stuff, but don't get too excited. This isn't the beginning of a historic run to the super bowl. they're not the 2006 Colts, or 2007 Steelers. They're a bad team someone didn't take seriously enough, and next week the opponent won't make the same mistake.

This will save you so much frustration you won't even believe.

Then what's the point of watching the games if they're not going to win?

Lot's of reasons! Watching football is a communal experience!

• Watching sports with large groups of people is a very cathartic experience. It has been proven to release endorphins and make you feel better. Watching it with Panther fans will give you someone to commiserate with!
  
• The weather in the South East is absolutely perfect right now. Waking up at nine and pre gaming is wonderful. Enjoy it.
  
• The Panthers have lots of young players that you should focus on instead. Watch Captain Munnerlyn; he's all over the field. Focus on Charles Johnson, because he's going to be a starter next year. Watch how good Ryan Kalil is. He's really already one of the best in the league. Also, this keeps you from watching Peppers or Delhomme, which will make the game much more enjoyable for you.
  
• Try to analyze the game. Watch the defensive line, or the linebackers, or blocking. If you're like 99% of football watchers, you watch online and just stare at the QB (which is why everyone always screams for a good (re: expensive) qb)
  

what do I do with my tickets?

go! Football games own. And besides, you're not going a good price for those glorified book marks anyway.

What about watching the rest of the league?

It's even more enjoyable! Now that you've accepted that your team isn't competitive, you no longer view the rest of the games through an "us v them" prism. Now, you are capable of enjoying the league in its totality.

You can watch Drew Brees and think "Wow, he's amazing. I mean, yeah, he's going to rape the Panthers, but damn, it's fun watching him throw." Or the Cowboys and marvel at the gap between Julius Peppers and Demarcus Ware who, even when not getting to the QB, seems to ruin a play.

The falcons still suck though

Fiz's totally awesome relationship advice

Alright, here's the most important thing you can do.

You might have a significant other, and that person might know how much football sundays mean to you, specifically Panthers football. If they've ever bought you a jersey, they understand.

Well, now is the time to earn some major brownie points. You know the Panthers aren't going to win, and are probably going to look ugly doing it. but she doesn't know that. For all she knows, you're skipping out on a game during a 16-0 run of perfection.

So take her out to something. It really doesn't matter what. All she'll care about is that you chose her over a football game. even if she knew how horrible they were, she probably wouldn't care.

Remember, relationships are all about acquiring points to use for things. This is a major opportunity for that fishing trip where you and the rest of your republican friends can go out to a cabin, sit in a boat, drink beer, then have that gay orgy you'll once again swear WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

What about next year?

There's always next year. And they're going to get everything right.

Here's the quick version.

• Enjoy time with friends
  
• Brownie Points with Wife
  
• Follow different parts of the game
  
• Follow different teams and see different players
  
• Earn Brownie Points with the Misses
  
• Drink. Oh god drink.
  

[CLTPanther]

So are you saying they suck?

[Wither]

And besides, you're not going a good price for those glorified book marks anyway.

Rofl.

[Sultan33g]

This is a major opportunity for that fishing trip where you and the rest of your republican friends can go out to a cabin, sit in a boat, drink beer, then have that gay orgy you'll once again swear WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

I peed a little

[LiQuiD]

Fiz I absolutely adore your writeups. Just the right dose of insulting jabs to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Hilarious. Keep up the good work, my man!

[j2sgam]

What s with the fu_ked up baby arm story in the middle? How does that fit in? Then you had me right up until

This is a major opportunity for that fishing trip where you and the rest of your republican friends can go out to a cabin, sit in a boat, drink beer

, then you lost me. Good read for the most part...

[R0CKnR0LLA]

I still remember that 1-15 season. I probably had more fun during that season than any other. Party my ass off Friday and Saturday. It didn't matter how out of it I was on Sunday, the Panthers weren't winning anyway.

[Sultan33g]

I still remember that 1-15 season. I probably had more fun during that season than any other. Party my ass off Friday and Saturday. It didn't matter how out of it I was on Sunday, the Panthers weren't winning anyway.

what if I am a loser and I drink Odoul's?

[ND22]

Good advice and I agree with it, especially the part about watching other teams. It was so enjoyable last week watching the other teams play, I had the sunday ticket going and was flipping through all the different games to watch my fantasy players tear it up, and never once did I yell at the TV or tell Jake Delhomme to get hit by a bus.

[R0CKnR0LLA]

What s with the fu_ked up baby arm story in the middle? How does that fit in?

Yeah, I'm still wondering about this here...

I remember when I was with Special Forces--it seems a thousand centuries ago

I'm confused Fiz, was that before or after you were working at the aquarium for 12 bucks an hour?

[Fiz]

Oh, it's much easier to win arguments with other fans about football teams if you acknowledge your team sucks.

Most football fans would probably get destroyed by a 2nd century BCE athenian in a football argument, mostly because they have no idea to argue. No one really does, they don't teach rhetoric anymore for reasons I'm not going to get in to.

Anyway, if you were to accurately point out Matt Ryan is a vastly overrated QB, probably won't progress too much, and has had his mediocre accomplishments blown out of proportion by the media, a Falcons fan might respond to you that he completely chewed up the Panthers secondary.

A die hard, blindly loyal, irrational panther fan then might respond "Well, uh, he threw a pick, and, uh...." and embarrass themselves.

A smart, logical, unbiased Panther fan would light his cigarette, take a deep puff, smile condescendingly at the Falcons fan, and says "whoopee. what a very small accomplishment" then laugh while walking away, surrounded by all the hot bitches.

[Fireball77]

IX-nay on giving up football for the SO. EVER. Unless HE IS BLEEDING. PROFUSELY. Sunday is MY DAY. He gets all the attention he needs the rest of the week when I wait on him hand and foot.

[R0CKnR0LLA]

what if I am a loser and I drink Odoul's?

Don't sweat it, a couple more meltdowns from Jake and you'll be to the point where you almost want to setup an IV of 100 proof Smirnoff.

[R0CKnR0LLA]

Anyway, I'm not ready to kick the expectations just yet. We have 3 pretty winnable games, if we can take all 3 we'll be right back in things. If we lose any of these next 3 then I'll throw the season out the window but for now, still holding onto that last bit of hope.............. it could happen damnittttttttttttttt!!!!!!111111111111111