electro's guide to the draft

[frash.exe]

hey fiz how much value do you assign to "holy poo they made x a thing" memes?

[Porn Shop Clerk]

Just now, Jangler said:

No. What exactly happened?

According to my inside sources, they choked in the 4th quarter.

[electro's horse]

4 minutes ago, frash.exe said:

hey fiz how much value do you assign to "holy poo they made x a thing" memes?

i don't care at all because i'm not an effete brunch eating bitch

[Porn Shop Clerk]

13 hours ago, electro's horse said:

i don't care at all because i'm not an effete brunch eating bitch

Are you sure about that?

[Fox007]

On 4/24/2017 at 2:48 PM, electro's horse said:

The big night is upon us, and you idiots have wasted christ knows how much bandwith posting every single poo awful mock on the internet 

God knows I can't stop you from posting because Zod favors page views over quality, but I can tell you what to expect and what to analyze. I'm not going to talk about players, I'm going to talk about media narratives. The hope is that when you want to post trump2016.com or whatever godawful sites draft grades you'll stop and think that "hmmm maybe this isn't worth posting."

1. Everyone gets their guy

There will not be a single team that comes out and says "yeah we were out of ideas there and just threw a dart at the wall." Every single team will claim they got their number one overall pick in the first round. Every single team will say this guy was the target all along. And they're all lying. Except for like the Browns. But if the Browns have you as the best player in the draft you might as well just kill yourself. 

2. Everyone gets first rounders in the second round

Teams rank players differently so this isn't totally false, but the instant and lazy narrative will be that whomever they got in the second was ranked as a first rounder. Either they're lying to create a media narrative or they're terrible at their jobs. Do not believe this when they say it. 

3. The best draft analyst is not good enough to work for the worst NFL team

When they start handing out grades, just print them out and wipe your ass with them. Because that's what they're worth. Read instead guys on twitter like Ben Muth or Geoff Schwartz, guys that played the position and are a little more honest. But remember they only know about their own position so their experience is pretty limited.

4. That guy we got in the seventh is not a sleeper hall of famer

no. stop it. Shut up. 

5. Corollary, we did not get tons of great talent as UDFA

shut up shut up shut up

6. Oh man all these UDFA want to play for Carolina they must know something

I WILL FIND YOU

Now, drafting philosophy

This is not about BPA or draft for need, whatever dumb false dichotomy you shitlords obsess over; it's just about talent level. As you go down the rounds, players are able to do less. The cutoff is generally after the third. This isn't me talking, it's Belichick. GENERALLY players CAN be successful, but in a more narrow role. That means in the first three rounds you need players that can contribute in some way right away and are ready to take over in two years. That's where all the pressure and stress is. You have got to get players there that can contribute. You cannot trade up for Armanti Edwards. 

That said, everything after the third is blind fuging luck. Nobody knows how these people will respond, because they have health issues, or they played in division 15, or they might be legally retarded. People aren't even done growing at the age they're drafted, and people have no idea how they're going to physically develop. Yeah there are GMs like Belichick who draft some unknown dude from Helen Keller Upstairs University who fits his nickel scheme perfectly or whatever but there's only one Belichick. After the third, teams should just draft the biggest, blackest, fastest motherfugers they can and worry about teaching them the game later. 

DRUG TESTS

The NFL does not care about weed. Due to the CBA, there is literally like a 7 day window where they can test you for weed. The players know when it is. Teams want players smoking weed because A. it's better than getting them hooked to pills (unless you're atlanta apparently) and B. if they're stoned on a wednesday they're not getting in a fight at a strip club. However, they need to know they're smart enough to stay clean for the two weeks heading into the combine, because there will be a whopping seventeen days where they will not be able to get high; 10 days or so to dry out, another 7 while the test can come. 

That's why they test for weed at the combine. It's a stupidity test. Because if you fail at the combine, congrats you're now in the league's draconian drug protocol. By that protocol if you go to a show where someone is smoking weed, you will fail the test the next day, which is what happened to Josh Gordon. 

So generally all they care about regarding weed is knowing if you can go like 2 weeks without doing it. 

As far as steroids go, most of the league is on some combination or form of HGH or Test-E. No one really cares and it's more about helping your body heal and recover, especially for the guys on their second and third contracts. Sorry to poo on your dreams, but thomas davis is basically mainlining teenager blood. 

Teams do not care about this. It's expected. They get world class therapy and health care, and part of that is getting the juices flowing. They'll all die of cancer in their forties, but whatever. 

Teams do care about PEDs, whatever that means to you. The reason is, NFL players do not need to take steroids. If you need to take steroids to play in the NFL, you will not be in the NFL for long. The caliber of athlete is just too great for you to hang on. If a player is taking steroids thinking it'll boost them a round, or for the combine, they almost always take them off their boards. This isn't like track and field or oly weightlifting where you cannot compete if you're not on them. It's the exact opposite. 

Former Panther Evan Mathis of course being a notable exception to that rule. 

I will now answer your questions children

nailed it rofl.....they just waited a lil longer this time hahaha

[electro's horse]

every time