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i watched the film 'heavyweights' and just realized it foretells the carolina panthers victory in the 2017 season super bowl

PhillyB

By PhillyB,
in Carolina Panthers

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

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as a newly single person, i figured the best way to meet wimmin is to get drunk as poo and sit at home watching dumb 90's movies on netflix. armed with a bag of ritz baked sour cream and chives crackers and a couple of hoppyum IPAs, i kicked it on my couch and fired up heavyweights, a movie about fat kids finding their purpose even though jeffery tambor and ben stiller are being total dicks about it. through all of my laughter and tears, one thing stood clear: this movie foretells a super bowl victory for the carolina panthers.

for those of you who haven't watched this masterpiece, here's the plot: an overweight kid gets sent to fat camp. everything is great at first. he hops on a bus with kenan thompson and makes friends with everybody. they pull into fat camp and start throwing their luggage to the resident camp counselor and

...OMG HOLY SHlT WHAT'S THAT

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 1.54.40 PM.png

 

by god, that's paul feig in a #95 jersey with a carolina panthers logo on it! this movie had my curiosity, but now it had my attention.

let's back up for a second. this movie came out in 1995, which was the inaugural season of the team. the main character's name is a plucky young go-getter by the name of ...jerry. he's a likable kid, and he quickly makes friends with everybody, including the camp jokester and the sniveling british kid. but most importantly, he meets cody.

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 2.19.47 PM.png

ARE YOU SEEING THIS

 

you might call me delusional. i called me delusional too. i called me drunk. i paused to scroll through a hundred tinder profiles that aren't liking me back and wondered if i'd be better suited lifting weights instead of watching heavyweights and structuring this post. but fug it, this is destiny! i knew it the moment some little poo prick named salami sam waddled in and sucked ass in the chipmunk hut, best damn hut in all of camp hope's history:

 

Screen Shot 2017-03-29 at 2.02.43 AM.png

THAT FAT FUCK IS A FALCONS FAN

 

this poo was starting to all come together to me. it was the perfect setup. how many years has it been since this movie came out? 22. how many years have the panthers been a team? 22. what was the culminating point of this movie? the apache relay, a championship match between camp hope the stupid other camp. what's the culminating point of this year? the fuging super bowl motherfugers

of course to get there they need some help from loyal allies, such as tom, camp counselor who wore a panthers polo followed by panthers-colors-infused-mid-ninties-grunge-rocker-flannel-wear

 

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 2.26.08 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 2.43.39 PM.png

 

it's too good to be true. ever defeated, the good guys sweated their way through training camp, beating out ben stiller on meth and a waffen SS type to master themselves by putting the butt of a hispanic (ron rivera) kid in ben stiller's face an imprisoning him. know where they did it?

 

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 2.51.59 PM.png

 

THAT'S FLAT ROCK NC OMG

 

ok all of this ends up with the downtrodden fat kids (panthers) finding themselves and becoming super self-actualized and stuff. but the movie doesn't end until jerry has to face down the ray romano looking bitch kid from the prep camp in the race at the apache relay.

 

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 3.14.33 PM.png

 

so what happens? jerry (richardson) defies all odds by jumping on top of the ray romano bitch kid's car and wins the race (superbowl) and all the fat kids (huddlers) go bonkers an celebrate their win (super bowl win) which tells me we're gonna drop a charles johnson car on top of some bitch ass mid tier game manager AFC quarterback in the super bowl after nuking the falcons to win the division and then win the mother fuging 2017 superbowl and hoist it above our fat ass heads for the rest of time.

heavyweights indeed

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

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2 minutes ago, jfo89 said:

I borrowed this movie from a girl in like 4th grade.  I never gave it back.  

 

Edit: the 2017 Superbowl already happened btw. 

she probably let you have it so you'd stop obnoxiously correcting what she said when she was drunk

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