advice needed

[Jase]

Sorry to hear this.  Selfishly, I wish I never read this thread because now I worry it'll happen to me.

I hear about stuff like this happening to guys in their 30s way too much.

I will keep my advice simple. 1. don't give in to bitterness; 2. be ever vigilant against letting misogyny creep into your head, 3. work toward one day being able to forgive her, 4. go to the gym and get huge.

Actually do number 4 no matter what.

Good luck.

[Davidson Deac II]

2 hours ago, Cat said:

I think you meant to say humans. 

I don't know, most guys are not all that complex.  Stupid sometimes perhaps, but not complex.  :)

[lymelizzard]

On 2/6/2017 at 3:00 PM, PhillyB said:

she didn't walk out on the kid, we're splitting custody. she just walked out on everything else. but the end result is still that she's effectively trading 50% of the time she'd get to spend with her during the rest of her childhood for a chance to go find the wonderful marriage with the warm fuzzy feelings she has set above all else.

still unforgivable though and it is the destruction of my family for such trivialities that makes me madder than anything.

Glass half full she may realize something is wrong and  removing herself from the equation improves the lives of everybody.  Or said another way she may have some mental issues / illness going on, or personality disorders.

[PhillyB]

thanks everyone, sorry for the soap opera.

i confronted her about it, she had no idea i knew until i handed her the unopened box. she blew a gasket and got all defensive and denied everything, said it was just him being a good friend. $250 in jewelry... riiiiight. but i can't prove anything and she won't admit so... 

i still love her, still can't fathom giving up, still won't. my family is all i care about and I'll give up anything for them. not sure what else to do at this point. sent her flowers today, told her i'd take her back no matter what, said she didn't care and she can date whoever she wants and i just have to deal with it.

never been a valentines day hater but fug this day in the ass

[PhillyB]

On 2/9/2017 at 3:05 PM, Jase said:

Sorry to hear this.  Selfishly, I wish I never read this thread because now I worry it'll happen to me.

I hear about stuff like this happening to guys in their 30s way too much.

I will keep my advice simple. 1. don't give in to bitterness; 2. be ever vigilant against letting misogyny creep into your head, 3. work toward one day being able to forgive her, 4. go to the gym and get huge.

Actually do number 4 no matter what.

Good luck.

interesting points and all four have occurred to me. one will be the hardest. i am bitter as fug, sacrificed for years and got fuging this for it. two isn't an issue but i do see how dudes fall prey to the UGH WIMMIN R BITCHES trap when they're spurned. three will never happen, my family is permanently destroyed. and four... working on it. i lost ten pounds of annoying stomach fat during all this and now i'm eating right for the first time ever. at least that i can control. 

[thefuzz]

8 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

thanks everyone, sorry for the soap opera.

i confronted her about it, she had no idea i knew until i handed her the unopened box. she blew a gasket and got all defensive and denied everything, said it was just him being a good friend. $250 in jewelry... riiiiight. but i can't prove anything and she won't admit so... 

i still love her, still can't fathom giving up, still won't. my family is all i care about and I'll give up anything for them. not sure what else to do at this point. sent her flowers today, told her i'd take her back no matter what, said she didn't care and she can date whoever she wants and i just have to deal with it.

never been a valentines day hater but fug this day in the ass

You need to protect yourself and your daughter.  That means talking to an attorney asap.

 

If you take her back, it all starts over again.....and it will, but she will have the upper hand this time.

 

Sorry to have to type that.  Good Luck.

[PhillyB]

21 minutes ago, 15 said:

go bang that dudes wife and then find him and kick his ass. its the only way phil...

his wife is blatantly trying to come down from NY and revenge fug me

[PanthersBigD]

Here's what I think, based on personal experiences. All just my opinions. I realize I don't have all the details and don't presume to have all of the answers. With that said:

1. Let her go. I've known plenty of people who tried to mend a marriage after infidelity and none of them had meaningful success. If you didn't decide to start swinging or get into some type of cuckold relationship together, it's not going to work just relenting and letting someone walk all over you to keep a marriage on life support. It's going to stick in your head that she screwed another guy, even if you go through with the monumentally bad idea of screwing his wife. That won't make you even, and you revenge-fuging his jilted ex is never going to undo the fact that she willfully carried on a secret affair behind your back. Your trust is already shot, and no matter how hard you try to push it away, every time she's five minutes late from running an errand your mind will head to that place. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is no way to live. While you may think it's worth a try, consider that your child will suffer living in that emotional environment, and that's unacceptable. 

2. Acknowledge that you both fuged the relationship up. There's a tendency to demonize the offending party and while we, your internet buds will encourage that, it's actually counterproductive to your healing process. From several of your earlier posts it sounds like you've acknowledged your part and that's good. Find a therapist that you trust, that's an unrelated professional and work through your anger/hurt/trust with them for as long as you need. 

3. Get a lawyer and get everything put in writing and signed. Your wife is making a lot of guilt based decisions right now. She's giving you everything as some sort of consolation/penance, but like all intense feelings, this guilt will dissipate and she'll start reconsidering what she's giving up. 

4. Focus on your child and your work. You can't 'win' your wife back. Even if she does come back, it won't be the same. It'll be like a pet after you've buried it in the Pet Semetary. Let her figure herself out on someone else's time. You've got a great kid, and you're in the middle of making an actual movie. Channel your feelings as best you can into positive production. Take your kid with you on some cool trips and make lifelong memories. If you're open to finding another spouse someday, someone cool will find their way into your life. 

I've been through divorce and it sucks, and you never get over it completely, but you move on, and life gets awesome again. 

[Chimera]

On ‎2017‎/‎02‎/‎14 at 3:42 PM, thefuzz said:

If you take her back, it all starts over again.....and it will, but she will have the upper hand this time.

This.

If you reconcile and later realize it isn't working out, good luck convincing a judge that her infidelity was the cause after you "forgave" her.

[Chimera]

Philly, I have debated with myself for a few days whether I should reply to this thread. I'm truly sorry that you're going through this. Being married with children is hard enough as it is, but these types of revelations can and do ruin lives. I only know you through posts on the Huddle, but I know enough to know that you have a superhuman level of determination when you so desire. I hope that you use that determination to put this chapter of your life in the past. I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. Trying to hold on will lead to bitterness, resentment, and hate. Worse, it will lead you on a downward spiral into depression or worse. If you reconcile, the doubt will always be there. You will never fully trust her again. You will internalize all of your feelings, then eventually look to hurt her when she is most vulnerable. I've seen it dozens of times when my friends have gotten divorced. It never differs. Please, just put it behind you and hit the gym, write more movies, dig up more artifacts, and do more of the things you so love doing. Most importantly, be the best damn father who ever fathered. Actually, anyone can be a father; be the best Dad for your daughter. That's really the only way to remain positive while your emotions are high.

[ladypanther]

Philly....sorry to hear what you are going through.  ((((hugs))))

[Dex]

Love you brother.

[Panthro]

Confronting her on infidelity was emotion vs mind. It will only now make the split less amicable. 

Stop talking to her and anyone she knows and start talking to a lawyer...yesterday. My buddy and a supporter of the Huddle has a law firm and can help you. Let me know and I will send you his info. 

[OneBadCat]

On 2/7/2017 at 4:17 PM, PhillyB said:

actually he's right. i have a fuging truckload of flaws and i've confronted them throughout my marriage. i have been fanatical with finances, saving up to pay off debts and houses to build our financial situation to give us a platform to do whatever we want in life, but so fanatical that i freak out when she buys stuff. i also spent wayyyyy too much time traveling during the first three quarters of the marriage. i justified it then as something spirit-led, and she encouraged all of it, but i was a fuging moron for not seeing it as becoming an issue. i swore off traveling three years ago, since then it's been just necessities (i'd already committed to the grad program that had me in vietnam, and this cambodia thing was not supposed to happen without her expressly insisting she was going to, which she backed out on to leave me when it was too late for me to cancel it.)

i also was a poo father for the first two years or so. i literally had no idea how to be a dad. i didn't know how to change diapers and i didn't know how to just sit with a screaming baby. i compensated for my weaknesses by doing the one thing i knew how to do, and that was work my fingers to the bone providing for my wife and baby. i manned up a long time ago and now i'm a great dad and i am absolutely in love with my daughter, but i recognize that put stress on her back then.

i am chock full of flaws. i have pitched my life into recognizing them, rooting them out, and sacrificing the vices at the core of them on the marital altar, sacrificing everything i've wanted that i've put ahead of her.

that's part what makes this so fuging hard to take. the one bit of satisfaction i got out of any of it was the fact that i was sacrificing. a lot like squirting iodine in a wound. it fuging hurts and you get no pleasure out of it. but you know it's making you better, healing, helping you do what you need to do. and despite the utter lack of anything personally that i got out of it (jesus fuging christ ive gotten laid three times in the past two years, ffs) i still love her and want to make things work.

and now she's getting fuged by some dude on the down low, that cuts my fuging heart out of my chest. worst possible feeling in the universe. worse than death

this is going to be embarrassing as fug to read back on but right now i just need a fuging outlet. thanks huddle

Hey man I'm not sure if it helps right now. But just getting to know you personally over the past few months I can tell you deserve a hell of a lot better than this poo. 

I've never been married but one thing I notice about women and dating is that they can be crazy as fug. And in this day in age the whole "grass is greener on the side" bs is running rampant. If she doesn't see you for you and what you've got going on. Then she can fug off permanently. 

I have certainly caught the love bug at times and I'm not too proud to beg. But she has betrayed you man. She is not worthy of you. I mean hell you just took a cast and crew to fuging Cambodia to make what will be an incredible feature film. You think she's gonna find another dude with that kind of artistic talent and drive? fug no.   

You should use this as motivation now more than ever to be the best possible you that you can and leave this in the dust. Leave her in her own misery because that is all she is doing. You will absolutely find someone again.