advice needed

[Davidson Deac II]

58 minutes ago, dave-o said:

If you are in NC there is thing called a "no fault" divorce...  Basically its each party saying she goes her way you go yours...  We didnt even go in to a court room or need a lawyer you just file the papers and a sheriff delivers the goods to his/her house to be signed....  I woke up one morning to discover my wife had cleaned out our bank account and there wasnt poo I could do about it...  So I tossed her out on her head....   Dont let her get the first move...  Protect yourself...

10 years later and I am so happy she is gone but I still want to kick her in the baby maker !!

ETA:  I am reading where you say you had nothing to do with this....  A little tough love but thats BS...  None of us are perfect.....

 

 

Her name wasn't Cindy by chance, was it?  :)

[dave-o]

No... I was married to an Asian chick named Thao...   We refer to her as the thief.....  And like you have experienced she has been married twice in the 10 years after ours ended...  She was CRAZY !!

[frash.exe]

1 hour ago, dave-o said:

 

ETA:  I am reading where you say you had nothing to do with this....  A little tough love but thats BS...  None of us are perfect.....

 

 

it's not his fault. what's going on is an irreconcilable clash of philosophies.

philly believes in what makes a good relationship is putting in the effort. it's got nothing to do with love at first sight but if you put in the hard work, the relationship will be a success. 

what his wife is looking for is your basic romanticist "i can't be in love with someone unless i instantly feel in love upon meeting somebody. i shouldn't have to put in the effort to make a relationship work" 

 

a lot of people confuse romanticism with love, intimacy, companionship, etc as if it is all of those things, but it's really not. romanticism is nothing but a culture.

[cookinwithgas]

Went through this over 10 years ago; first thing I ended up finding out is that even though she was wanting her "space" she had already met some other guy and managed to keep it quiet until the idiot answered her phone when I had to call her about some insurance thing. That was worse to me in some ways than her leaving because you think you can trust someone that is married to you even if it's just a legal document by then.

You are like me, I was pissed more because our daughter was @ 15 or so and all this divorce stuff was an unneeded distraction that affected her negatively. Of course your daughter is a lot younger, I just wanted her to wait 3 freaking years.

But you are going to get over this crap and find out that now that you are older and wiser, you will make decisions less impacted by youthful emotion and more by where you actually want to go.

[Bronn]

I won't even get into it here... But like I said in another thread a while back started by someone else, just know you're not alone, bud.

<- currently going through seemingly similar issues at the moment.

[Cat]

On 2/6/2017 at 9:26 AM, Khyber53 said:

First step is to get an attorney.

Second step is to stop drinking until this is done. Nothing good can come from chasing the bottom of a bottle while you are going through this, but a lot of bad things can get in there that can hurt you and your loved ones if you mix drinks and emotional stress.

And if she wants out and doesn't want to take the community property, you need to go ahead and get that in writing. Otherwise an attorney is going to tell her to take half or all and use it for leverage against what you value to most.

Stand up. Lawyer up. Sober up. You might not be able to change the course of your ship right now, but you can make sure it doesn't sink and take all hands with it.

This is good advice. I also strongly recommend fighting for as much time with your child as you can get. 

My heart goes out to you PhillyB. You're a strong, smart guy and I have no doubt you will pull through this and likely find a lot of great experiences to be had. 

[dave-o]

I didnt say it was his fault frash.exe.....  But there is noone perfect in a relationship....  I just think its best to accept some responsibility....

 

[panther4life]

Can't help on the legal side of things. She's imperfect as all humans are. Forgive her and wish her the best. 

No time for a pity party. You obviously weren't meant to be together and no time to play the blame game.

Focus on eating healthy and working out until you've reached your best shape yet and that in itself will do wonders for you.

Time heals all and eventually you will be happier than you ever have been before. Sounds like empty words right now I'm sure, but it's a fact that's been proven by billions before us. 

Just don't lay around and loathe in self pity. That's a waste of time. Focus on improving yourself in every way that you can and know that you're doing it for yourself no other reason. 

Spend any extra time and energy you've gained from this and allocate to healthy things that make you happy.

You will bounce back from this. Sometimes shitty things happen but only way to make them better is to Keep Pounding!

[SmokinwithWilly]

3 hours ago, thefuzz said:

3:  Stop talking to her father.

 

I would say stop talking to him about the personal issues between the two of you. I would absolutely say keep in touch to make sure that he gets to see his granddaughter or at least know about how she's doing. I lost my granddaughter due to a messy split a few years ago (my daughter walked out and never looked back) and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her more than words can even begin to express. You can't always count on the ex to make sure that family stays in touch. I'm pretty sure Fuzz only meant don't talk about the personal stuff, but I wanted to throw that out there. I'd give anything if I could see her again just to tell her I love her. Damn, that poo hurts. Damn onions. Fug it, I need a drink now. 

[thefuzz]

12 minutes ago, SmokinwithWilly said:

I would say stop talking to him about the personal issues between the two of you. I would absolutely say keep in touch to make sure that he gets to see his granddaughter or at least know about how she's doing. I lost my granddaughter due to a messy split a few years ago (my daughter walked out and never looked back) and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her more than words can even begin to express. You can't always count on the ex to make sure that family stays in touch. I'm pretty sure Fuzz only meant don't talk about the personal stuff, but I wanted to throw that out there. I'd give anything if I could see her again just to tell her I love her. Damn, that poo hurts. Damn onions. Fug it, I need a drink now. 

Oh, 100%.  Sorry if there was any confusion.

 

I wouldn't talk to him about anything except his granddaughter....nothing personal, nothing financial, nothing emotional...just the kid.  And make sure that he knows that he can have access to her as much as possible if his daughter bounces.

[PhillyB]

2 hours ago, cookinwithgas said:

Went through this over 10 years ago; first thing I ended up finding out is that even though she was wanting her "space" she had already met some other guy and managed to keep it quiet until the idiot answered her phone when I had to call her about some insurance thing. That was worse to me in some ways than her leaving because you think you can trust someone that is married to you even if it's just a legal document by then.

ironic... two hours ago i got a message from someone on fb asking me if i was my wife's husband. i said yes, she asked to call me. she called me. hysterical, told me her husband and my wife are having an affair. she found out her husband has been making trips to greensboro ostensibly on business, found a receipt for jewelry in his car with a UPS receipt and tracking number, tracked to my wife's apartment. it's en route now. i fuging suspected this forever

no idea what i'm going to do, i almost got in three accidents driving to work. now i'm sitting here with absolutely fuging nothing to do to get my mind off of it so i'm just going to turn this thread into a soap opera now. fug my fuging life, enjoy

[PhillyB]

2 hours ago, frash.exe said:

it's not his fault. what's going on is an irreconcilable clash of philosophies.

philly believes in what makes a good relationship is putting in the effort. it's got nothing to do with love at first sight but if you put in the hard work, the relationship will be a success. 

what his wife is looking for is your basic romanticist "i can't be in love with someone unless i instantly feel in love upon meeting somebody. i shouldn't have to put in the effort to make a relationship work" 

 

a lot of people confuse romanticism with love, intimacy, companionship, etc as if it is all of those things, but it's really not. romanticism is nothing but a culture.

actually he's right. i have a fuging truckload of flaws and i've confronted them throughout my marriage. i have been fanatical with finances, saving up to pay off debts and houses to build our financial situation to give us a platform to do whatever we want in life, but so fanatical that i freak out when she buys stuff. i also spent wayyyyy too much time traveling during the first three quarters of the marriage. i justified it then as something spirit-led, and she encouraged all of it, but i was a fuging moron for not seeing it as becoming an issue. i swore off traveling three years ago, since then it's been just necessities (i'd already committed to the grad program that had me in vietnam, and this cambodia thing was not supposed to happen without her expressly insisting she was going to, which she backed out on to leave me when it was too late for me to cancel it.)

i also was a poo father for the first two years or so. i literally had no idea how to be a dad. i didn't know how to change diapers and i didn't know how to just sit with a screaming baby. i compensated for my weaknesses by doing the one thing i knew how to do, and that was work my fingers to the bone providing for my wife and baby. i manned up a long time ago and now i'm a great dad and i am absolutely in love with my daughter, but i recognize that put stress on her back then.

i am chock full of flaws. i have pitched my life into recognizing them, rooting them out, and sacrificing the vices at the core of them on the marital altar, sacrificing everything i've wanted that i've put ahead of her.

that's part what makes this so fuging hard to take. the one bit of satisfaction i got out of any of it was the fact that i was sacrificing. a lot like squirting iodine in a wound. it fuging hurts and you get no pleasure out of it. but you know it's making you better, healing, helping you do what you need to do. and despite the utter lack of anything personally that i got out of it (jesus fuging christ ive gotten laid three times in the past two years, ffs) i still love her and want to make things work.

and now she's getting fuged by some dude on the down low, that cuts my fuging heart out of my chest. worst possible feeling in the universe. worse than death

this is going to be embarrassing as fug to read back on but right now i just need a fuging outlet. thanks huddle

[PhillyB]

3 hours ago, thefuzz said:

3:  Stop talking to her father.

he is actually one of my best friends despite being 30 years older. we hang out, drink beer, travel together. he is aghast by everything. he loves her but he literally said bros before hoes when he found out about the infidelity today. he's fully in my tank, and that's despite me going out of my way to tell him i don't want to put him in a position of having to take sides between me and his daughter

[SmokinwithWilly]

32 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

ironic... two hours ago i got a message from someone on fb asking me if i was my wife's husband. i said yes, she asked to call me. she called me. hysterical, told me her husband and my wife are having an affair. she found out her husband has been making trips to greensboro ostensibly on business, found a receipt for jewelry in his car with a UPS receipt and tracking number, tracked to my wife's apartment. it's en route now. i fuging suspected this forever

no idea what i'm going to do, i almost got in three accidents driving to work. now i'm sitting here with absolutely fuging nothing to do to get my mind off of it so i'm just going to turn this thread into a soap opera now. fug my fuging life, enjoy

I'll tell you bro, this poo aint easy. I'd rather get punched in the nuts by a hoard of angry leprechauns than have to deal with that again. It's going to be hard to accept, but you didn't cause this, no matter how much the 2 of you were fighting, disagreeing or whatever. The best thing you can do for yourself IMO, is realize that you are better than this, deserve better than this, and so does your daughter. Try to learn from the mistakes you did make, get a lawyer to review the docs and get the hell out of this mess. It's going to take a little while because it just does. You've got friends here that have your internet back. We'll do what we can to make it better for you.