advice needed

[PhillyB]

i debated heavily whether or not to put this poo out there since not everybody needs to be all up in my poo, but i could legitimately use some counsel, so here we go.

my wife walked out on me last fall. it's a long and shitty (and for me enraging) story. i have bled myself dry for years trying to keep it together - she's tried to leave me three times already - and now it's all come crashing down. i crawled out of the pits of despair just in time to make that film thing happen, but now i'm back in the country and i've got to deal with the sobering reality that seven years of my life has gone down the motherfuging drain for a woman who's told me she hasn't loved me since before we were married and has been trying to convince herself she does for our entire marriage. it's a real mindfug in a lot of ways.

but my question is whether anyone who's been through a divorce has any advice on the separation papers side of things. my wife walked out on me, left the house, everything. i've spent months ignoring the separation agreement sitting in my inbox because it makes me physically ill to look at it, but i finally opened it up last night and started combing through it. is there anything specifically i should look out for? do separation attorneys try to sneak poo in there that i should be aware of? looking for any advice/thoughts/experiences anyone has had in this that could give me an edge in dealing with this. not dealing with it til tomorrow though because i'm currently drunk as poo

in the meantime i'm going to go keep drinking and revel in the falcons loss, which is the only good thing that's happened in the past half a year. tia

[stirs]

Just the basic beginning info

Sorry about your situation

http://info.legalzoom.com/file-legal-separation-north-carolina-26588.html

[Davidson Deac II]

Sorry to hear that, divorce sucks, no doubt about it.  

 

Assuming you can afford it, find a reputable attorney and have him or her look at the documents.  If you hire an attorney, he or she works for you, and they should try to ensure that the papers are legal, and as much as possible, to your benefit. And they can advise you on future things like child support, if applicable.  

 

If you can't afford, then some areas have some legal aid for divorce.  You can find out if there is any in your area.  This site might help.  http://www.legalaidnc.org/get-help/Pages/self-help-clinics/simple-divorce-clinic.aspx  

[chknwing]

Unless there is children or a great deal of money involved, it should be a pretty straight forward divorce.  An attorney isn't going to risk their reputation over something small.  In NC I believe you have to be separated a year before you can finalize a divorce.  I was in a similar relationship but I wasnt married though.  I finally just had to man up and cut it off and not look back.  I will say this, if she has legal representation, you should too.

[PhillyB]

she's leaving me all the houses and just walking away. trying to incentivize me to just let her go and stop fighting for her. feels cheap but there's nothing left i can do, and i spent my twenties buying those houses, fixing them up, and working 80 hour weeks to pay them off so i'm happy to take them.

still a hollow victory. i don't care about property

mainly need to make sure there's not something i should insert as a clause to protect myself that i'm not aware of that divorce lawyers would never include in the original draft.

[Khyber53]

First step is to get an attorney.

Second step is to stop drinking until this is done. Nothing good can come from chasing the bottom of a bottle while you are going through this, but a lot of bad things can get in there that can hurt you and your loved ones if you mix drinks and emotional stress.

And if she wants out and doesn't want to take the community property, you need to go ahead and get that in writing. Otherwise an attorney is going to tell her to take half or all and use it for leverage against what you value to most.

Stand up. Lawyer up. Sober up. You might not be able to change the course of your ship right now, but you can make sure it doesn't sink and take all hands with it.

[Davidson Deac II]

1 hour ago, PhillyB said:

mainly need to make sure there's not something i should insert as a clause to protect myself that i'm not aware of that divorce lawyers would never include in the original draft.

Which is why I suggested legal aid or your own lawyer.  Separation papers are generally pretty generic, but having an expert read over them is a good thing even if it cost you a few bucks.  For the divorce papers, you definitely need to have a legal professional look at them.  Separation papers are temporary in nature, Divorce papers are permanent.   

[SOJA]

sorry to hear about that Philly, I have zero expertise in the field of law but if you ever have a medical question hmu

Best man, you'll get through this. You're an awesome guy 

[h0llywood]

Wow so sorry to hear this. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for because your demeanor and presence is always positive.

I cannot give you advice on the separation as that can come from you and only you. However, you do not need to reinvent yourself, just reinforce who you are. My only suggestion is to get rid of the alcohol as it will only cloud your judgment. 

The one thing that i have learned through the years is this: the best way to get revenge is to improve yourself. Be that change for you, don't do it for her.

Good luck to you man. Everything will be alright.

[PhillyB]

i drink heavily about once a year. last night was that night, but it's never been a factor.

may hit it again once i sign the papers though

[PhillyB]

2 hours ago, Khyber53 said:

And if she wants out and doesn't want to take the community property, you need to go ahead and get that in writing. Otherwise an attorney is going to tell her to take half or all and use it for leverage against what you value to most.

i'm keeping literally everything. she feels low key bad for walking out on the marriage when i did absolutely fuging nothing wrong, so she says she's willing to just walk away from everything in return for her freedom to go pursue her own happiness.

for the life of me i will never understand how someone can willingly sign half of their child's life away in pursuit of self gratification. i'm not old school in very many things but this is one of them - you never let self-possession stand in the way of your duty and you die before you dishonor yourself in such a way. you sacrifice as much of yourself as you possibly can and you take gratification from the act of sacrifice itself, knowing you're doing the right thing, working towards and for something/someone bigger than yourself.

fuging sucks ass to be the one left. it is much much easier to be the one leaving

[t96]

1 minute ago, PhillyB said:

i'm keeping literally everything. she feels low key bad for walking out on the marriage when i did absolutely fuging nothing wrong, so she says she's willing to just walk away from everything in return for her freedom to go pursue her own happiness.

for the life of me i will never understand how someone can willingly sign half of their child's life away in pursuit of self gratification. i'm not old school in very many things but this is one of them - you never let self-possession stand in the way of your duty and you die before you dishonor yourself in such a way. you sacrifice as much of yourself as you possibly can and you take gratification from the act of sacrifice itself, knowing you're doing the right thing, working towards and for something/someone bigger than yourself.

fuging sucks ass to be the one left. it is much much easier to be the one leaving

She reminds me of Meryl Streep in Kramer vs Kramer. I wouldn't want her anywhere near the child again if I was in your position, to be honest. If she's willing to right now give you full custody permanently and everything else I'd do whatever you have to do with lawyers and what not to make that permanent and make sure she can't come back later after changing her mind with some spiritual change nonsense and try to take anything from you. I have no experience with this so I'd consult lawyers for sure but someone who can at any point in their life walk out on their kid in my opinion should not be entitled to ever seeing the kid again, let alone helping to raise him/her.

[Ja Rhule]

Sorry to hear that bro.  I met your wife few times and she seemed super nice but it seems like you guys been having issues for quite sometime.  I remember you were possibly exploring other opportunities few years back when you guys been having issues.  This possibly is for the best because you been struggling with this as well.  You are young, you got a full life ahead of you.  Now get out there and get some ass.

[PhillyB]

2 hours ago, thomas96 said:

She reminds me of Meryl Streep in Kramer vs Kramer. I wouldn't want her anywhere near the child again if I was in your position, to be honest. If she's willing to right now give you full custody permanently and everything else I'd do whatever you have to do with lawyers and what not to make that permanent and make sure she can't come back later after changing her mind with some spiritual change nonsense and try to take anything from you. I have no experience with this so I'd consult lawyers for sure but someone who can at any point in their life walk out on their kid in my opinion should not be entitled to ever seeing the kid again, let alone helping to raise him/her.

she didn't walk out on the kid, we're splitting custody. she just walked out on everything else. but the end result is still that she's effectively trading 50% of the time she'd get to spend with her during the rest of her childhood for a chance to go find the wonderful marriage with the warm fuzzy feelings she has set above all else.

still unforgivable though and it is the destruction of my family for such trivialities that makes me madder than anything.