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Weather is Dissipating in Seattle, But a Category 5 Poostorm is Headed for Philly

Jakob

By Jakob,
in Carolina Panthers

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Jakob Newbie

Jakob

Posted
Posted

Time flies...One week you're playing the Shitbirds from the west and now we're playing the Shitbirds from the North, but the NFL is a fast paced sport, especially when you're fans of the worst 5-0 team in the NFL. We just went into Seattle to face the "mighty, resilient  Seahawks" and their elite defense, or as they're now known "A former shell of themselves that doesn't legitimize the Carolina Panthers." Are the Panthers still being overlooked at 5-0? Probably, considering ESPN just updated their PickCenter for week 7 and gave the Eagles a 51.9% probability of victory. I'm hearing a lot about this "Elite Eagles defense", but I'm somewhat worried that their 20th ranked rushing defense might struggled against our 3rd ranked rushing offense. We might not have the same mismatch in the passing game, but when you're playing the 20th ranked pass offense, you really don't need a big name receiver. How about that Chip Kelly offense, though? The 14th and 15th ranked rushing and passing offense vs the 8th and 5th ranked rushing and passing defense? Apparently when you're better than your opponent in every single aspect of the game, you're probably going to lose? Apparently, I'd like to take a look at some more obscure statistics, turnover statistics to be exact. For the Eagles fans reading this, I'll put it in words you can understand. Fumbles and interceptions (That's when your quarterback throws that little brown ball to the other team, or when his dainty hands can't hold onto it.) Believe it or not, but 99 out of 100 times when you do that 6-7 times in a game, you're team is going to lose, so consider the Giants game nothing short of a miracle. While the Panthers currently rank in the top 5 for +/- turnover margin, the Eagles are on pace for 37 turnovers. You come into Charlotte and keep that trend up and you'll leave with a full blown case of the butthurts. You might be thinking, why is Jakob using the same basic statistics as last week? That's because these matchup's haven't been close and I don't need advanced statistics to prove who the better team is...Just the basics. Why? Fug em! That's why. I. Will. Not. Stand for anyone who tries to sell me the garbage that the Eagles are better than the Panthers. The media might be forced to say decent things about us, but they're still doubters. Fug em!


I could go on and on about statistics or how Sam Bradford has the lowest QBR in the NFL, but I'm going to take a moment and congratulate the Eagles fans. It took 7 weeks and I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but you're the first fanbase of the season to imply you dislike Newton because he's a black man. (This has happened twice already.) Only the scum of south Philadelphia could come up with such an appalling idea. While many of the users on this forum would agree that the Bucs, Falcons, Saints, Cowboys or Steelers have the worst fanbase, I know that to be a lie. Your team and it's fans are the epitome of trash. Much like the Seahawks last week, I look forward taking revenge on a hated foe as we kick your season to the fuging curb. When I close my eyes I see Bradford throwing those ducks. I bet Josh Norman can too. Soon we will be 6-0, the worst 6-0 team in the NFL. Fug em!


To all the Eagles fans that I'll have to endure talk about how awful my team is...

homer-flip-off.gif

Better batten down the hatches because this is going to be on helluva storm.

Fug em!

 

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