JOKES! (a thread)

[Jangler]

"Hello?"

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on

the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to

Mommy,that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she

isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the

swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .............

Is this 486-5731?"

[PanthaSan]

Some of the grade school boys were at recess when they overheard their teacher inside on her cell phone having a conversation about some guys “Perfect Penis.”

They couldn’t figure out what it was and after much discussion Billy said, “My Dad’s a scientist, he knows everything about everything and has a bunch of books. I’ll ask him what a perfect penis is.”

When he got home, he asked, “Dad, what’s a perfect penis?” His father pulled out his member and said, “Son, this is a perfect penis.”

The next day at school, Billy and the boys got together and he tells them, “I know what a perfect penis is.”

He then whips out his member and says, “See this, if it was 4 inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis.”

[SCP]

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer de cided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch,=2 0way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.

'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man..

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,

and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poo my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[Murph]

Murph's advice to all the nagging bitches out there:

Silence is golden,

and duct tape is silver!

[LifeisaGarden]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has

been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have

exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with

amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your

business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog."

[j2sgam]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with

Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling

array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me,

for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more

inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

[j2sgam]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it

Will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. .size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How

About a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your

Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[SCP]

Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter Let's look for yours."

[BMorgan]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend said, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. The jerk won't even be able to get his pants down. Call me and tell me how it goes.'

She agreed and accepts the offer from Eddie.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her and asks, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'

[Jangler]

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming..'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that l antern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet anothe r one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

[PanthaSan]

Insight.....

[Jangler]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in you sleep, Ralph..' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St.Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained

the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg*his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell** "Ralph! Wake up! You poo in the bed!"

[Sultan33g]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[Sultan33g]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”