JOKES! (a thread)

[Jangler]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fug do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fuging have 1 at home!!!

[Jangler]

If you''re fuged by a zombie is it rape or necrophilia ?

[Scutty]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

[Scutty]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

[The Link]

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the

parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,

3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they

wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my

special President's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike

Air Jordan 's shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have

Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair

with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,

'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out

I saved your ass from drowning!'

Must be Meat's son.

I kid, I kid.

[SCP]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

>

>

>

> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their

> bedroom. The 6 year old asks, ³You know what? I think

> it's about time we started cussing.² The 4 year old

> nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ³When

> we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something

> with hell and you say something with ass.²

>

> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

>

> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year

> old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ³Aw, hell,

> Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

>

> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the

> kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes

> out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with

> every step... His mom locks him in his room and shouts,

> ³You can stay there until I let you out!²

>

> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and

> asks with a stern voice, ³And what do YOU want for

> breakfast, young man?"

>

> ³I don't know,² he blubbers, ³but you can bet your

> fat ass it won't be Cheerios!²

[PanthaSan]

Cheerios

[SCP]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length

looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,

middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,

'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was

under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little

dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American

in his place!'

A Scottish gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem

to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the

wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And

now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

[LifeisaGarden]

A man is showering up in a locker room With his buddy when he notices his

Friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims. 'I wasn't always this impressive, I

had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night

rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You Should try it.'

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim

How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I

lost Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed.

'Damn it, Jim,

Crisco is shortening!'

[Matt Foley]

What do Steve McNair and Steve Young have in common?

Too many shots to the head.

[SCP]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules'

From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..

We need it up,you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches,it will be scratched..

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[SCP]

Fred and Larry get married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first

married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and

Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says:

'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.

[Jangler]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

On Michael Jackson’s Death…

........ ... … … .. …..

.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. ... . … ..

... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ..... ... ..... ..... .. .

.. . . … .. . . . ..

... . .... ... .... .... ....

....... ..... ..... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....

. .. .

. . .. . .. . ...

....... .... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... ...... ....

. .. ... .

.. ....

.. . . . . . .. ... … ..

.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... ......

Deep stuff hey?

I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. ... . . .... ....”

[Scutty]

A woman was at her hairdresser's having her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Emirates," was the reply. "It was really cheap!"

"Emirates?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ’s Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, - but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this crappy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome ...

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Emirate's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $50 million refurbishment, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fuged up your hair?"