JOKES! (a thread)

[PanthaSan]

Three Different Wives...

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan. He sternly informed her that she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife strict

orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes andthe cooking..

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman who was from Bakersfield, California. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third

day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[bLACKpANTHER]

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Bush leaves us ALL with a $482 billion deficit, a housing market built out of cards, 2 Wars and Obama is the sole reason for people losing jobs?? --what am i gunna do with you guys

i know, i know- its a joke thread.. calm down

[Matt Foley]

A three legged dog walked into a bar, looked at the barkeep and said 'Pour me a drink, Mister. Somebody shot my paw.'

Its even funnier than usual because the dog is wearing a cowboy hat and a fake 'stache

[Hawk]

Rekindling A Little Of That Old Magic

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fug off.

[LifeisaGarden]

There was once this man who used to go this bar at the end of the street every night. One day this guy went to the bar and he saw this enormous man with all these muscles but with this puny head. After staring at the guy for over 5 hours he decided to go ask how this happened. He went over and began to ask. Hi man I don't mean any harm but how did you get all those muscles but that small head. The man began his confession. Once long ago I was in the marines on this top secret mission but the submarine sank. Luckily I washed up on this beach. As I was walking along the beach I saw a mermaid. I spoke to her and she said Oh my! Someone has finally found me I will grant you 3 wishes. First the man said I want to be super strong and have all sorts of muscles POOF! Wow that was cool, Second I want to be the smartest man in the world POOF WOW! I know everything. Third, he was like well man I haven't had sex in years I want you to have hot naked sex with me. The mermaid replied! I cant do that. So he said "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD" and POOF!

[LifeisaGarden]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[Jangler]

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The embarrassed Alter Boy simply replied, "I believe that is just the reflection from her shoes Father".

[PowerlessDan]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people

[PowerlessDan]

Famous Quotes:

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. -Will Kommen

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. -Dean Martin

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. -Wendy Liebman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. -Ben Franklin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. -Joey Bishop

[Scutty]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

[hank pimple butt]

if a midget says your hair smells good. is that considered sexual harassment?

[Scutty]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[Scutty]

Little Johnny went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Can you help me?'.

The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.

Little Johnny replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. But 'realistically', ........ We're living with two slags and a poofter

[Jangler]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. The husband moves closer to the voice. "Do you still need a push?" he calls out (soaking wet). "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband... "Over here... on the swing."