JOKES! (a thread)

[Jangler]

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[Scutty]

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom. The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"

Daffy replies..... "Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate."

[Scutty]

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Black Bull, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin , there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

''Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to my sister.

[PowerlessDan]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time!" He thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[LifeisaGarden]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little

girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride

dressed in white?'

'Because white is the color of happiness, and

today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then

said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

_________________________________

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was

running as fast as she could, trying not to be late

for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord,

please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't

let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on

a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and

tearing her dress.? She got up, brushed herself off,

and started running again! As she ran she once again

began to pray,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But

please don't shove me either!'

___________________________________

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about

their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles

a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,

they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad

scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it

a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad

scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls

it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect

all the money!'

_________________________________

An elderly woman died last month. Having never

married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her

handwritten instructions for her memorial service,

she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was

alive, I don't? want them to take me out when I'm

dead.'

___________________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten

Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy

father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a

commandment that teaches us how to treat our

brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

'Thou shall not kill.'

____________________________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God

created everything, including human beings. Little

Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him

how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying

down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny,

what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side..

I think I'm going to have a wife..'

_______________________________________

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school

after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One

said to the other,?? 'What do you think about all

this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa

Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

[Britneck]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patricks day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off...He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the doorand get some fresh air he will be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head out and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi Jesus.....I'm Fockin' Focked" he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside...He takes a look up the stairs and says "No Fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. he says 'Fock it" and crawls to the bed.

The next morning, his wife,Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned.....you left your wheelchair at the pub."

[PowerlessDan]

^^ that one never fails to make me laugh!

[Jangler]

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the

parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,

3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they

wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my

special President's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike

Air Jordan 's shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have

Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair

with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,

'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out

I saved your ass from drowning!'

[Jangler]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Jangler]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed my finger at the stuck ball and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Jangler]

The Scottish prostitute

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[PowerlessDan]

Bump...

1) What is in the middle of Paris?

2) What's the funniest bone in your body?

1) r

2) The humerus.

[Kylee]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

:smilielol5: she must be from arkansas too

[R0CKnR0LLA]

A guy goes to a $5 hooker standing on a street corner. He pays her $5, and they go and do their thing.

The next morning, the guy wakes up and notices he has crabs. Furious he returns to the same street corner, seeing the hooker there. Yelling at her, "You gave me crabs! I want my $5 back!" The hooker smirks, "What did you expect for $5? Lobster?"