JOKES! (a thread)

[Jangler]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.

Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

[Scutty]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little poo on your knee!!!!!!!!!!

[Jangler]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through order is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because Youhave a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

[Kurb]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly, Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one :

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Jangler]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[Jangler]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the

airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you

strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger..'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed

it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you

like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about

nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,

and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a

deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a

flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried

grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's

intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have

no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel

qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know

poo

[Jangler]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..'

[bLACKpANTHER]

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..'

[SCP]

Father O'Malley, an Irish priest, was transferred to Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning on a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station ...... The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's

Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn and would

ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a moment ............................................

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[SCP]

DEA & The Rancher

>

>

> A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with

> an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to

> inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

>

> The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that

> field over there' as he points out the location.

>

> The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I

> have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'

>

> Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge

> and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?

> This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on

> any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made

> myself clear? Do you understand?'

>

> The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about

> his chores.

>

> A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and

> sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close

> behind by the ranche_r's prize bull. With every step the

> bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely

> that he'll get "horned" before he reaches

> safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

>

> The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence

> and yells at the top of his lungs.....

>

> 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Mrs Pantherfan]

:lol:

[Scutty]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

[Jangler]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, " It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken."

[Jangler]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .

One Nun leans over to the other Nun and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."