JOKES! (a thread)

[Kevin Greene]

Sex on the beach

 

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

 

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

 

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

 

[Jangler]

this needs to be here

 

NSFW!

 

[Guest Irv]

What do a priest and a silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

[Kevin Greene]

A  man received the following text from his neighbor: 

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no
longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[Jangler]

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

[Jangler]

[Kevin Greene]

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president,
he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their 
spacious home.

 

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he
could use his bathroom.

 

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to
see that Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!

 

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in
Clinton 's private lavatory.

 

"Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on
the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...
even for a great guy like me!"

 

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told
Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that
Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

 

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

 

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

 

[Jangler]

A rather attractive young princess from a European country was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Good lord", said the princess, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the princess.

On the next floor they passed a room where a hot sexy young blonde woman was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my", said the princess, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Kevin Greene]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
> - Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes.
>
> - He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
> - After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and
> purchases them.
>
> - Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
> basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani
> leather shoes for the first time.
>
> - He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do
> you wear red panties tonight?'
>
> - Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties
> tonight, but how do you know?'
> - Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new  $300 Armani leather
> shoes.  How do you like them?'
>
> - Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa
> , do you wear white panties tonight?'
>
> - Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
>
> - He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new   $300 Armani leather
> shoes... How do you like them?'
>
> - Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
>
> - Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
>
> - Midway through the dance his face turns red...
> - He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart.  Please, please tell me
> you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
>
> - Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
>
> - Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....
> - I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!

[Gay Cowboy]

How do you make your wife scream twice?

Stick your dick in her ass then wipe it on the curtains.