JOKES! (a thread)

[Ja Rhule]

Whats a difference between peanut butter and jam?

... You cannot peanut butter your dicks in someones ass.

[Kevin Greene]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

>

> She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

>

> 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

> ...

> 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

>

> 'It was,' sighed the Sister.

>

> 'And I went to play golf with my brother.

>

> We try to play golf as often as we can.

>

> You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to

> Christ.'

>

>

> 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.

>

> 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

>

> 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.

>

> 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

> 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

>

> 'You must tell me all about it!'

>

> 'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother

> 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I

> hit the drive of my life.

>

> I creamed it.

>

> The sweetest swing I ever made.

>

> And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...

> and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

>

> 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.

>

> 'How unfortunate!

>

> But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

>

> 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.

>

> 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel

> runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

>

> 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

>

> 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.

>

> 'And I was so proud of myself!

>

> And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk

> swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my

> ball still clutched in his paws!'

>

> 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

>

> 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because

> as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started

> struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the

> ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the

> cup!'

>

> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her

> chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

>

> 'You missed the fuging putt, didn't you?

[Amelia86]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,

bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it," said the sadist.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it then kill it," said the murderer.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it

then fug it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, fug it again,

then set it on fire," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over then the masochist says....

"Meow?"

Hahahaha, that's hilarious;)))

______________

Audio Editor Free

[Harris Aballah]

A man gets on an elevator next to a hot chick and as the door closes he says, " mam, can I smell your pussy?" " You certainly may not", she replies! He says, " Oh, it must be your feet"!

[Harris Aballah]

Why do mexicans buy cabbage patch dolls? Birth certificates!!!!!

[Guest Irv]

Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

[cookinbrak]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy fuged a penguin!'

'Grumpy fuged a penguin!'

[Kevin Greene]

A guy walks into a bar in North Carolina and orders a white wine.

 

 

All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up from their 
beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya boy?" 
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." 
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" 
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." 
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" 
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." 
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

 

 

 

[Jangler]

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. 
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket 
and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly 
to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. 

Now you decide what's worse: 

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. 

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[Kevin Greene]

The Afghan QB:

 

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States, teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, says the old Muslim woman."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

 

 

[Jangler]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[Captroop]

Three explorers are thumpin' through the jungle on an expedition. They get captured by a tribe of natives and taken to the chief. The chief says, "You have trespassed on our territory! You must be punished, so choose! Death, or Bungee."

 

The first explorer says, "Uh, well I certainly don't want to die. So, Bungee, I guess." And at that, a gang of natives bend the first explorer over and sodomize him! The other to explorers recoil in shock and horror. When they are finished, they let the first explorer go, and he limps away painfully.

 

The chief points to the second explorer and says, "Choose! Death, or Bungee!"

 

The second explorer, is apprehensive, but ultimately says, "Bungee." And like a flash, the gang of natives are one him. And they really let him have it. Parts are flying off him, it's a bad scene. And when they're done, the second explorer is barely able to crawl away.

 

So the chief points to the third explorer, and says, "You! Choose Death or Bungee."

 

Having seen all that, the third explorer wants no part of it. He says, "Shoot. Just kill me! I choose Death."

 

And the chief shouts, "Death by Bungee!"

[Jangler]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. 

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. 

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. 

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" 

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." 

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" 

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" 

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Kevin Greene]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.


He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.


When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.


The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be
accepted.  We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,

six lawyers,

six meth dealers,

six Muslim extremists,

six Democrats,

and a rabbit."



"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.



"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"