JOKES! (a thread)

[coxc63]

3 mens car break down near a farm house, they knock on the door an 3 girls open it. The men explan what's goin on and the girls offer them the chance to stay the night as long as the men don't walk down the hall or turn the light on.

They decide why the hell not and proceed down the hall gettin smacked in the face by hangin objects along the way.

One of the men turn the light on and notice dicks were hangin from the ceiling, the 3 girls said we warned you now whatever your dad does for a living has to happen to your penis.

The first man replies my dads a butcher, so they chop his off.

The second man replies my dad works at a sawmill so they proceed to saw his off.

The third man shaking in fear says well my dad works at a popsicle factory so I guess you have to suck mine off.

[PanthaSan]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make...... you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

[jasonluckydog]

DON’T READ THIS BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS. YOU WILL GET KISSED BY THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. TOMMOROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. HOWEVER IF YOU DON’T POST THIS TO AT LEAST THREE VIDEOS YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 2 DAYS. NOW YOU STARTED READING SO DON’T STOP THIS IS SO SCARY SEND THIS TO FIVE OTHER VIDEOS IN 146 MINUTES WHEN YOUR’E DONE PRESS F6 AND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS. THIS IS SO SCARY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS.

these make me lol

[sharkkiller]

There was a Chinese man went to the eye doctor. The doctor told him he had found his problem. He said Mr. Wang you have a Cateract. Mr. Wang say oh no no no I have a Rincan Towncar

[Chimera]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of

tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts

flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair

when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have

been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first

started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully

at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

http://www.carolinahuddle.com/forum/showpost.php?p=3186901&postcount=270

[cookinwithgas]

An ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy... Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... Never found the head."

[bLACKpANTHER]

An ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy... Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... Never found the head."

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

What has bricks for hands and drops it like it's hot quicker and more often than Snoop Dogg?

Legedu Naanee.

[Hotsauce]

What has bricks for hands and drops it like it's hot quicker and more often than Snoop Dogg?

Legedu Naanee.

[#1 Panthers Fan]

The Dot .... FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington DC has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support

[Hawk]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

[Hawk]

stolen...but aren't they all...

old couple was driving down the road when they were involved in a horrific accident. Next thing the man knows, he's waking up in the hospital.

Doctor comes in to see him and asks how he is doing etc and all the man wants to know is how his wife is doing.

Doctor says, well, it's really bad. The accident pretty much ripped your wifes' face off. She's gonna need all sorts of medication and treatment that your medical insurance isn't going to cover. You're probably gonna have to sell your house and get something smaller without stairs because she's never gonna get out of her wheelchair. You're gonna have to do everything for her now...help her eat, help her get in and out of bed, in and out of the chair, you're gonna have to wipe her ass after she takes a crap. You're gonna have to roll her in bed every hour on the hour so she doesn't get bed sores.

the man slowly starts to cry and the doctor looks at him and says...

nah, I'm just fuging with ya, she's dead

[Jangler]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you

see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I fuging didn't!"

[Vampire the buffet slayer]

Jim Bowie and Davy Crokett are standing together at the alamo.

Prepared for battle they notice thousands and thousands of Mexicans coming over the hill.

Jim Bowie in a state of confusion looks at Davy Crokett and asks...." Did you order concrete?''