JOKES! (a thread)

[4saintspirit]

for those who like stupid jokes

why is the army always tired on april first

cause they just got off of a 31 day march ---:willy_nilly:

[4saintspirit]

a father was working in the garage and asked his slow son to go to the hardware store to pick us a missing screw -- he told the boy very carefully to ask for the 10 cent screw. getting lost the boy ended up at a house of prostitution -- walking in he politely asked to a 10 cent screw -- the madam laughed and said that they had a great blonde for 100 bucks -- adimantly he replied -- i came here for a 10 cent screw -- to this the madam mentioned a red head for 50 bucks -- again the boy asked for his 10 cent screw -- after several rounds where a retired hooker was offered fot 10 bucks the madam finally relented and yelled to the back room --

mary -- grease up the cat:ee:

[4saintspirit]

a woman was tired of dating men who would beat her, run around with other women and basically not satisfy her so she created a very specific ad in the dating section: Attractive, self supporting woman looking for man -- must be good in bed but will not beat me or run around with other women. a few days later the doorbell rang -- she looked through the keyhole but saw no one -- again the doorbell rang -- again she saw no one -- finally on the 3rd ring she opened the door, looked down and saw a man without arms or legs on a little cart. Being polite she asked what he wanted -- he replied he was answering her ad -- she stammered a reply asking why he thought he fit the bill -- he answered :::::: I dont have any arms to beat you and I have no legs so I cant run around on you -- she asked about how he would satisfy her -- he smiled and said :::: how do you think I rang the doorbell:D

[Jangler]

Cardiologist Funeral

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following

the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart

then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes

stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral.......I'm a Gynecologist.'

The Proctologist fainted!

[Scutty]

And here's one for all of you who hold the French in such high esteem

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[Scutty]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the years, the woman often re-tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[Scutty]

Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was

absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new

audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and

shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz

chord!".

Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in

Stevie's varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz

melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man

jumped up again and shouted "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz

chord".

Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived

straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the

place apart.

The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumped up again. "No, no, NO. Play a Jazz chord, a

jazz chord!!".

Well and truly pissed off that this little bloke didn't seem to

appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage "OK

smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old Japanese man man climbed nervously onto the stage,

took hold of the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing....

" A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo..."

[Jangler]

^^^ that;s bad...lol

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one...with everything!"

[Cyclonus]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head...

In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time, and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[Cyclonus]

A man is sitting at a bar having a beer. He spots a sign that says: "Turn $100 into $10,000.... ask your bartender!"

So he asks the bartender how he can turn $100 into $10,000.

The Bartender replies, "You have to give me $100 and then complete three tasks."

First you have to pick a fight with one of my bouncers and win!

Second you have to go to the alligator pond out back and bring me the Gators abcessed tooth.

Third you have to go upstairs and give one of my whores an orgasm!

If you can complete all three tasks today, I'll give you $10,000. If not, I keep your $100.

The man thinks it over, chugs his beer and slaps $100 down on the bar.

He gets up walks over to the biggest bouncer in the club and proceeds to kick the crap out of him. They break tables, chairs, bottles and totally wreck the bar.

When he's done, he look at the bartender and says "Where's that gator?" The bartender points, and he heads staright out the back door.

From inside you can hear yelling, screaming, and water splashing. After a few minutes, the man walks back into the bar soaking wet, bloody from head to toe and his clothes soaking wet and shredded!

He looks at the Bartender and says "Now, where's that ***** with the abcessed tooth?"

[cookinwithgas]

Did you hear about the happy Roman?

He was glad he ate her.

[mantal]

A man is sitting at a bar having a beer. He spots a sign that says: "Turn $100 into $10,000.... ask your bartender!"

So he asks the bartender how he can turn $100 into $10,000.

The Bartender replies, "You have to give me $100 and then complete three tasks."

First you have to pick a fight with one of my bouncers and win!

Second you have to go to the alligator pond out back and bring me the Gators abcessed tooth.

Third you have to go upstairs and give one of my whores an orgasm!

If you can complete all three tasks today, I'll give you $10,000. If not, I keep your $100.

The man thinks it over, chugs his beer and slaps $100 down on the bar.

He gets up walks over to the biggest bouncer in the club and proceeds to kick the crap out of him. They break tables, chairs, bottles and totally wreck the bar.

When he's done, he look at the bartender and says "Where's that gator?" The bartender points, and he heads staright out the back door.

From inside you can hear yelling, screaming, and water splashing. After a few minutes, the man walks back into the bar soaking wet, bloody from head to toe and his clothes soaking wet and shredded!

He looks at the Bartender and says "Now, where's that ***** with the abcessed tooth?"

Thanks, that made me LOL!!

[Jangler]

For AKPantherfan! :biggrin:

ALASKA

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he

quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as

possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a

month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about

5:00.

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be

some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks

again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us!'

[Sameday]

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/3514781/9755267