JOKES! (a thread)

[PanthaSan]

:lol:

Must spread rep..

[Hawk]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poo?

[Kevin Greene]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to

> >hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

> >The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

> >

> > Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the

> >devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a

> >check.

> >

> > Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is

> >finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she

> >writes him a check.

> >

> >Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he

> >is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

> >

> > When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to

> >call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took

> >over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

> >

> >

> >

[PanthaSan]

Why I Am now Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel

very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

He barely said good morning,

Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts

And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

My handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady,

And by the way

Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better

That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

When Rick knocked on my door

And said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

And it is your Birthday,

What do you say we go out to lunch,

Just you and me...'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro

With a private table.

We had two martinis each

And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Rick said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place,

it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,

Rick turned to me and said,

If you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

For just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,

After a couple of minutes,

He came out

Carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my husband

My kids, and dozens of my friends

and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[Hawk]

what a dirty slut

[Hawk]

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you fuging free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other fuging hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fuging, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that???

[hank pimple butt]

certain people will lay both of them

that "certain people" would be me:smash:

[Hawk]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same

tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each

week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers

under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after

all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,

drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in

the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally

on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fugin' ship?"

[Hawk]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Hawk]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put

everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed, Arabic-looking

woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."

[PanthaSan]

Jokes for the Older Generation

***********************

An older gentleman was

on the operating table

awaiting surgery

and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon,

perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son;

do your best,

and just remember,

if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me,

your mother

is going to come and

live with you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point

when you stop lying about your age

and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love

to hear them say "you don't look that old."

---------------------------------

The older we get,

the fewer things

seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------

Some people

try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know why

I look this way.

I've traveled a long way

and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied

and would like to go back to youth,

think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when

everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things

no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change

from being young.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.

*********

First you forget names,

then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper...

it's worse when

you forget to pull it down.

````````````````

Two guys, one old, one young,

are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,

and I guess I wasn't paying attention

to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well,

maybe I can help you find her...

what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,

with red hair,

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,

long legs,

and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,

--- let's look for yours."

[Butter]

A banana and a vibrator were on a table. Banana says to the vibrator, "I don't know what the fug you're shaking for, the bitch is going to eat me!"

[Butter]

old man kneeling by the bed, wife says "what r u praying for?" he says "guidance" she says "pray for stiffness and i will guide it myself.. :)

[Butter]

3 reasons you wouldn't want 2 B a dick;

1) U live beside a couple of nuts

2) Ur bald Ur whole life

3) and when you get excited you throw up and faint.