JOKES! (a thread)

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

I'm stealing these all from a Facebook site I found haha.

BOYFRIEND: You know, you are A B C D E F G H I J K?

GIRLFRIEND: What does it mean??

BOYFRIEND: Attractive, Brilliant, Cute, Dazzling, Elegant, Funny, Gorgeous, Hot!

GIRLFRIEND: So sweet! How about I J K?

BOYFRIEND: I'm Just Kidding!

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

Boy: Want to hear a joke about my cock?? Actually, never mind, it's too long.

Girl: Want to hear a joke about my vagina?? Actually, never mind, you wont get it.

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

Teacher: "Tommy, if I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Amanda, and $5 to Laura, what would you have now??"

Tommy: "Three blowjobs and enough left for a cheeseburger."

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

Little Jimmy: "Wanna play rape?!?!"

Little Bella: "Umm... No."

Little Jimmy: "That's the spirit!"

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

GIRLFRIEND: "I'm breaking up with you."

BOYFRIEND: "Why??"

GIRLFRIEND: "I did some research, and you are a pedophile."

BOYFRIEND: "Wow, that's a big word for a six year old!"

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

Last one...

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the usual.

The bartender pours him a glass. The man knocks it down quickly, walks towards the window, jumps out, and flies away.

Another man that was watching nearby was absolutely amazed.

"I'll have what he had!" The man drinks it down, walks to the window, jumps out, and falls to his death.

Moral of the story: Superman should really stop coming to the local bar...

[PanthaSan]

The world's shortest books......

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE

THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J... Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE .......

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

_______________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

______________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton with introduction

by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[Kitten Diver]

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE

THE US PRESIDENCY

by Barack Obama

Also a short read.

[Jangler]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!".

[YourMomsLover]

Question...Do you know the difference between "The State of The Union Address" and "Ground Hog Day"?

Answer...One involves a rat like creature of low intellect, sneaky disposition, and unknown birthplace, and the other involves a ground hog.

I got this one in a forwarded text message. Kinda corny though IMO

[Hawk]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.

[boo7382]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.