JOKES! (a thread)

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON: At school. *Robot slaps Son*

SON: OK, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *Robot slaps son again*

SON: OK, it was Day With A Pornstar.

DAD: WHAT? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps dad*

MOM: HAHAHA! After all, he is your son! *Robot slaps mom*

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

An 1st grade student turns in a blank sheet of paper after an hour long art class.

Teacher: Billy, what's this??

Billy: It's a cow eating grass!

Teacher: Uh, where's the grass??

Billy: The cow ate it...

Teacher: And where's the cow??

Billy: Well, he ate all the grass, so he went somewhere else to find more.

[TheRealDeal]

Three midgets were sitting at a bar having a drink, when they all started to discuss getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The first midget looked at his hands and said, gee – I have REALLY small hands – I bet I can get into the record books with these tiny hands!

The second midget looked at his feet and said, gee – I have REALLY small feet – I bet I can get into the record books with these!

The third midget, who just came back from the rest room, said; you know, I have a REALLY tiny penis – I bet I can get into the record books with that!

So the three of them go to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters and go inside to get judged…

The first midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later ecstatically jumping up and down “YES, YES!!! I DO HAVE THE SMALLEST HANDS IN THE WORLD!!!”

The second midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later and he is too overjoyed screaming “YES, YES!!! I DO HAVE THE SMALLEST FEET IN THE WORLD!!!”

The third midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later pissed off, looks at his other 2 buddies and says; “WHO IN THE HELL IS SMOOTSDADDY?”

[Hawk]

lol...nice!

[Hawk]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk

• A carton of eggs

• A quart of orange juice

• A head of lettuce

• A 2 lb. can of coffee

• A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

[boo7382]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk

• A carton of eggs

• A quart of orange juice

• A head of lettuce

• A 2 lb. can of coffee

• A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

hahahah yes this is awesome.

[Hawk]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Jangler]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

[Jangler]

A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"

The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis?"

Johnny tells him, "Come on."

So they both go into the boy’s room and Johnny pulls down his pants.

He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

[Jangler]

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, Little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard...

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body??"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "Your sense of humor."

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12+ million to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Seal (SmittyIsOurSavior)]

I wish I could ask the sexiest person alive to be my valentine.

...But it would be pretty weird asking myself.