JOKES! (a thread)

[PanthaSan]

Little Johnny Becomes a Salesman

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said

proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit

and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that

magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of

cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough

tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &

Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!"

Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Democrats' approach of giving you something shitty for free,

and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[PanthaSan]

One more reason why California is broke....

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a

nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his

dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie

"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing

what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills

the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills

the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked

for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game

conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous

animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote

awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better

treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout

the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the

attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train

a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature

of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the

State.

Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a

nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and

keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point

cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

[Jangler]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[PanthaSan]

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

[Jangler]

Two pubic hairs on a toilet seat. One says to the other "how long are you staying here?". The other replies "until I get pissed off!".

[Doyle]

[PanthaSan]

DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL!

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home

he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19..95,

Skater Barbie for $19.95, and

Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends,

and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[Captroop]

To tell this joke properly it must be told with a Southern Baptist accent. Shouldn't be a stretch for the Huddle.

How do you trap a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line the outside of the hole with peas. When he stops to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

[PanthaSan]

My Dogs

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak

English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dogs get their first checks on Friday.

Dang, this is a great country!

[PanthaSan]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

[Kevin Greene]

Interesting piece of history.

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Kevin Greene]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

.

[PanthaSan]

[Hawk]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does nothing at all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."