JOKES! (a thread)

[cookinbrak]

How can you tell a Jewish pedophile at the park?

He hides behind the bushes and says "Hey, kid, wanna buy some candy?"

[Sapper]

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

[Samuel L. Jackson]

What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?

RRMMMBRRRMMMRRRRHHHRRMMMMMMRMRMRRRRR

[bLACKpANTHER]

Once upon a time there was a..

fvck you..

[Samuel L. Jackson]

Tim was a simple man his entire life...

On his second birthday, Tim's father asked him what he wanted for a present...

Tim's reply... "I want a green ping pong ball..."

Confused, his father just figured it was a simple enough request, and went out and found that very thing... a green ping pong ball...

As Tim got older, he lost his first tooth... To honor this day, his father offered to buy Tim anything he wanted...

Tim again said, "I want a green ping pong ball"...

"What do you want one of those for, Tim?" his father asked...

"I dunno, I just want one..."

So again, the father complied and made his child happy...

The years passed, and Tim was on the verge of graduating from high school...

Before the ceremony, Tim's father proudly told his son... "Tim, I'm going to go out and buy you anything you want to prepare you for college... Would you like a new car? How about I send you on a nice vacation before your first semester begins?"

Tim replied... "No dad... Just get me a green ping pong ball and I'll be good..."

Holding back his frustrations, Tim's father couldn't believe his ears...

"I'm offering you something really nice, and all you can talk about is these damn ping pong balls again... But hey, fine by me... Let's go get you another damn green ping pong ball.."

...and they did...

Years and years passed... Tim's father's health began to decline as he was in his 70's, and Tim got a call one September night informing him that his father was on his deathbed at the hospital and didn't have much longer to live...

Tim rushed to the hospital to be at his father's side...

Tim's father, lying there struggling with words, asked his son to come closer...

"You have been a good son to me, and I have left my entire estate in your name... But please, before I go... can you please tell me what was so interesting about green ping pong balls..."

As he said those final words, Tim's father died...

The end...

[Hawk]

this will age some of you...me being one of them....Paul Lynde was the funniest of all in my opinion...

one liners from Hollywood Squres...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!

And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[PanthaSan]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken,

the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When

they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally

destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that

bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but

could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if

nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this

terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the

tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United

States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done

buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying

he wasn't...

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

[KillerKat]

Geek/Dork pick up lines:

I'd like to conjugate YOUR verb

I'd like to declare independence on your kosovo

I'd like to irrigate your sinuses

I'd like to fertilize your soil

I'd like to plow your field

I'd like to explore your territory

I'd like to hotwire your battery

I'd like u to launch my rocket

I'd like to go through your tunnel

I'd like to work on your pipes

I'd like to make your flower wet

I'd like to play with YOUR x-box

I'd like to score in your end zone

I'd like to insert my usb stick in your port

I'd like to put my floppy disk in your drive

I'd like to put my r4 jack in your ethernet port

I want to spread my worms into your system

I want to poke you in your eprom port

[KillerKat]

One-liners:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday

Women like silent men, they think they're listening

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[Hawk]

from our friend Jeff Foxworthy

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

[Yaboychris28]

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

lmao

[Hawk]

heard a new one this weekend and had a good laugh....especially for a Habs fan always arguing with Maple Leaf fans...

what does Toronto have that Montreal doesn't?

black and white photos of their last Stanley Cup win!

[Jangler]

This traveling salesman is making his last call of the day...he knocks on the front door, and getting no answer moves over and looks in the window. There he sees about a half dozen kids, who all look to be around 9 or 10 playing cards, drinking and smoking at the table. He goes back and knocks on the door louder...and this time the door is answered by one of the lads. He says to the young 10 year old boy, who has a sifter of brandy in one hand and is puffing a cigar, "hello young man....are your parents home?"

The boy squints his eyes slightly peering at the man for a moment, then removes the cigar from his mouth and says "what the fug do you think?"

[PanthaSan]

A teenager goes up to his Grandmother and says, "hey Gramma, have you seen my LSD?"

To which the grandmother responds, "fug your pills, there's a dragon in the kitchen."