Why your team sucks: Atlanta Falcons

[The NFL Shield At Midfield]

I didn't look to see if there was a thread already so sorry merge if necessary

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-atlanta-falcons-1720824337

[JawnyBlaze]

Your quarterback: Matt Ryan. But honestly, what does it fuging matter? The Falcons had to play a tight end at tackle last season when they ran out of linemen. You could put Galactus under center and he’d get fuging creamed.

Ryan has gone 10-22 in the past two seasons, and while ascribing wins and losses solely to quarterback play is a fallacy, let’s do it anyway because fug MATT RYAN. Matt Ryan is the perfect milquetoast QB for a milquetoast team in a milquetoast stadium surrounded by milquetoast fans who wish they were at a Georgia Bulldogs game. I don’t want Matt Ryan to succeed. Joe Flacco already has a Super Bowl. I’ve had my fill of charisma-free quarterbacks winning stuff.

Also: the Falcons have no depth at running back and Roddy White and Julio Jones are rarely healthy at the same time. No amount of Kris Kross can alleviate such issues.

That was epic.

[PhillyB]

buzzfeed-style all-caps narrativity for hilarity has definitely jumped the shark

[TheRumGone]

Did phillyb write the Matt Ryan section?

[TheRed]

Linebacker Prince Shembo got cut from the team this offseason when he was accused of murdering his girlfriend’s dog. Because people in Atlanta just cannot get enough of killing dogs. What is about this town that inspires wanton acts of animal homicide? GOD IT’S SO fuging BORING HERE. LET’S GO THROW FIDO DOWN A RAVINE.

Shembo, by the way, was the player at the center of Notre Dame’s Lizzy Seeberg scandal. “We were fine with you being accused of raping a woman and driving her to suicide. But a dog? NOW YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, SIR.”

 Damn...

[Shadow]

Ryan has gone 10-22 in the past two seasons, and while ascribing wins and losses solely to quarterback play is a fallacy, let’s do it anyway because fug MATT RYAN.

 

I'm ready to give this guy his Pulitzer right now.

[SCP]

"Keep in mind that the Falcons didn’t even NEED this stadium, because the Georgia Dome is barely two decades old. Keep in mind that the Falcons didn’t even NEED this stadium, because the Georgia Dome is barely two decades old. But because this is the NFL, and because Arthur Blank is a fuging crook, you get $1.4 billion spent on Megatron’s butthole: Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Atlanta Falcons The roof really makes it. It already looked like an open asshole on display at Magic City, but now they’ve added a roof that actually simulates human peristalsis. All this in a city that has one working snowplow. Truly, we live in a blessed age. because this is the NFL, and because Arthur Blank is a fuging crook, you get $1.4 billion spent on Megatron’s butthole: Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Atlanta Falcons The roof really makes it. It already looked like an open asshole on display at Magic City, but now they’ve added a roof that actually simulates human peristalsis. All this in a city that has one working snowplow. Truly, we live in a blessed age."

 

See, told ya'll their new joint looks like a sphincter muscle. 

[SCP]

"Our GM is one of those ass hats who dresses up in spandex and rides his road bike around during rush hour."

[frash.exe]

Oh my god Dan Quinn's playlist is laughable

[Mother Grabber]

I lol'd multiple times

[RealBitsOfPanther]

Just everything about this is just... Amazing

[chknwing]

I lost it at..

"Keep in mind that the Falcons didn’t even NEED this stadium, because the Georgia Dome is barely two decades old. But because this is the NFL, and because Arthur Blank is a fuging crook, you get $1.4 billion spent on Megatron’s butthole"

[frash.exe]

Hrrrrnnnnnggggggghhhh

 

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--Je-Cy_mB--/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/mppopy83iolmpoqevv4t.gif

 

[RelaxImaPro]

Megatron's butthole... lmao