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Bold Predictions for the 2015 NFL Season

hepcat

By hepcat,
in Carolina Panthers

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hepcat Grand Master

hepcat

Posted
Posted

1) In QB Tom Brady's first game back from his suspension for under-inflated footballs, a pit to hell opens up at midfield and swallows him whole.  Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, watching in horror as his longtime star QB is enveloped by flames, begins to repent his many sins right there the sideline.  Unfortunately after his repentance, Belichick morphs into a strange half-duck half-raccoon type creature that suffers and dies on the field.  Patriots fans are stunned.  AFC East fans throw parades in their respective cities singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" which is enjoyed by many through in depth media coverage.

2) As we all expected, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly turns out to be a closeted mime and starts calling plays from inside an invisible glass box.  His players become confused and disoriented by the lack of leadership and start calling their own plays.  Kelly, furious at his teams inability to understand his innovative way of calling plays, throws out an invisible rope to pull QB Sam Bradford off the field.  Instead, he lassoes RB DeMarco Murray, dragging him around the field like a rag doll, shocking the Eagles fans into thinking he might suffer the same fate as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick did.  At the post game press conference, Chip Kelly, now donning full mime makeup and attire, vanishes from behind the podium in a puff of white smoke.  The Eagles go on to struggle the rest of the year, with Kelly's whereabouts still unknown.

3) After a close loss to the 49ers in the preseason, Texans fans burn down their stadium, killing all of the players.  Still needing to fill those games on the schedule, Roger Goodell enacts emergency plan #432X, reinstating the Oilers franchise in the city of Houston.  Filling the roster with street free-agents and unsigned rookies, QB Warren Moon decides to come out of retirement to lead the replacement franchise in a way that only old Warren Moon could.  The team plays home in the still-standing Astrodome, bringing back memories from the early 90's.  Moon actually performs quite well for a 58 year old man, beating the Jacksonville Jaguars twice.  

4)  QB Russell Wilson decides he'd rather play baseball after seeing a picture of Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll without his makeup on.  Forced to start Marshawn Lynch's step-brother Farquan Blinch at QB, the Seahawks struggle to find a rhythm on offense but squeak a few wins out by giving Marshawn 694 carries. After a brutal season, Lynch retires at the most boring press conference ever, saying only two words: "No comment."

5) Unbeknownst to him through hidden audio recordings, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is revealed to be a chronic bed-shitter.  QB Matt Ryan, disgusted by the news, yells "Get the f**k off our field" to the embattled team owner during a heated practice.  Blank responds by cutting Ryan mid-season after he undergoes extreme plastic surgery to tighten his butthole to prevent further bed-shitting incidents.  The resourceful Blank saves the audio from his bed-shitting scandal, and pumps the sound into his stadium during home games.  Opposing teams begin to sh!t themselves at the sounds.  Despite this strategic advantage, the Falcons struggle without a QB while Matt Ryan signs with the Buffalo Bills, leading them to a Superbowl victory.

 

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CarolinaNCSU Proficient

CarolinaNCSU

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1. Cam gets MVP traction for a good part of the season

2. The OL isn't half bad

3. Funchess won't put up KB's stats from last year, but shows the potential to be a better player than KB

4. TD goes to a Pro Bowl

5. Ealy flirts with double digit sacks...ends up around 8-9. 

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bigskypanthersguy Rising Star

bigskypanthersguy

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1) In QB Tom Brady's first game back from his suspension for under-inflated footballs, a pit to hell opens up at midfield and swallows him whole.  Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, watching in horror as his longtime star QB is enveloped by flames, begins to repent his many sins right there the sideline.  Unfortunately after his repentance, Belichick morphs into a strange half-duck half-raccoon type creature that suffers and dies on the field.  Patriots fans are stunned.  AFC East fans throw parades in their respective cities singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" which is enjoyed by many through in depth media coverage.

2) As we all expected, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly turns out to be a closeted mime and starts calling plays from inside an invisible glass box.  His players become confused and disoriented by the lack of leadership and start calling their own plays.  Kelly, furious at his teams inability to understand his innovative way of calling plays, throws out an invisible rope to pull QB Sam Bradford off the field.  Instead, he lassoes RB DeMarco Murray, dragging him around the field like a rag doll, shocking the Eagles fans into thinking he might suffer the same fate as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick did.  At the post game press conference, Chip Kelly, now donning full mime makeup and attire, vanishes from behind the podium in a puff of white smoke.  The Eagles go on to struggle the rest of the year, with Kelly's whereabouts still unknown.

3) After a close loss to the 49ers in the preseason, Texans fans burn down their stadium, killing all of the players.  Still needing to fill those games on the schedule, Roger Goodell enacts emergency plan #432X, reinstating the Oilers franchise in the city of Houston.  Filling the roster with street free-agents and unsigned rookies, QB Warren Moon decides to come out of retirement to lead the replacement franchise in a way that only old Warren Moon could.  The team plays home in the still-standing Astrodome, bringing back memories from the early 90's.  Moon actually performs quite well for a 58 year old man, beating the Jacksonville Jaguars twice.  

4)  QB Russell Wilson decides he'd rather play baseball after seeing a picture of Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll without his makeup on.  Forced to start Marshawn Lynch's step-brother Farquan Blinch at QB, the Seahawks struggle to find a rhythm on offense but squeak a few wins out by giving Marshawn 694 carries. After a brutal season, Lynch retires at the most boring press conference ever, saying only two words: "No comment."

5) Unbeknownst to him through hidden audio recordings, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is revealed to be a chronic bed-shitter.  QB Matt Ryan, disgusted by the news, yells "Get the f**k off our field" to the embattled team owner during a heated practice.  Blank responds by cutting Ryan mid-season after he undergoes extreme plastic surgery to tighten his butthole to prevent further bed-shitting incidents.  The resourceful Blank saves the audio from his bed-shitting scandal, and pumps the sound into his stadium during home games.  Opposing teams begin to sh!t themselves at the sounds.  Despite this strategic advantage, the Falcons struggle without a QB while Matt Ryan signs with the Buffalo Bills, leading them to a Superbowl victory.

 

At least you put thought into this. ;)

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DaveThePanther2008 Grand Master

DaveThePanther2008

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Posted

Totally caught me off-guard.  I was expecting something totally different.

Thanks for the laugh.

Funchess takes over #1 duties by Midseason.  KB and Funchess both break 1000 yds.

Cam throws for 4000 yd for the first time since 2012.

Defense is the #1 defense in the most important category.  Points Allowed

SF goes 0-16 and Claim the season a success because Kapaernik runs for more yards than he throws.

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Moorgan Enthusiast

Moorgan

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This post is a tribute to the BOLDEST STATEMENT IN THE WORLD. I can't remember what the boldest statement in the world was. This is just a tribute to that statement. Funny thing is this post isn't anything like that statement.

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