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Here's how the rest of the season is going to unfold and get us into the playoffs

PhillyB

By PhillyB,
in Carolina Panthers

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

Posted
Posted

George Santayana once said that those who fail to study the past are doomed to repeat it. Well close your motherfugin history books because the past is about to repeat itself and dammit that's a good thing. 

 

"But PhillyB! We suck! How could this be?!"

 

Shut up, CharlottePanther. The past I mean is Ron Rivera in November and December. Following is the Panthers record in November since 2011:

 

L - Tennessee Titans, 2011

L - Detroit Lions, 2011

W - Indianapolis Colts, 2011

W - Washington Redskins, 2012

L - Denver Broncos, 2012

L - Tampa Bay Bucs, 2012

W - Philadelphia Eagles, 2012

W - Atlanta Falcons, 2013

W - San Francisco 49ers, 2013

W - New England Patriots, 2013

W - Miami Dolphins, 2013

 

That's right, Ron Rivera is 7-4 in November. The Ron Rivera Panthers haven't lost a November game since our shitty 2012 defense allowed an effortless overtime touchdown to a wide open fatass on the Bucs.

 

On to December:

 

W - Tampa Bay Bucs, 2011

L - Atlanta Falcons, 2011

W - Houston Texans, 2011

W - Tampa Bay Bucs, 2011

L - Kansas City Chiefs, 2012

W - Atlanta Falcons, 2012

W - San Diego Chargers, 2012

W - Oakland Raiders, 2012

W - New Orleans Saints, 2012

W - Tampa Bay Bucs, 2013

L - New Orleans Saints, 2013

W - New York Jets, 2013

W - New Orleans Saints, 2013

W - Atlanta Falcons, 2013

 

That's right, Ron Rivera is 11-3 in December. Holy fuging poo, the only games the Ron Rivera Panthers have lost in December are to the Falcons back in 2011 when our defense couldn't stop a paraplegic, the Chiefs when Javon Belcher decided to galvanize his entire team, and 2013 when the Saints* proved unstoppable in their sewer bubble.

 

Going into November in our last two years, our records have been 2-6 (2011), 1-6 (2012), and 4-3 (2013). Yeah, we've been mediocre to abysmal ever year without fail. This year we are somewhere in between both. But we have seven games left and they're all in November and December, when Ron Rivera whips out his gigantic testes and hurls them onto the field. So here's how the rest of the season is going to unfold:

 

Week 10: WIN. The Panthers get healthy and throttle the Mark Sanchez Eagles on MNF, where Cam is undefeated.

Week 11: WIN. Matt Ryan throws eight interceptions and dies under Wes Horton's cleats.

Week 12: BYE. Panthers gameplan for the hapless Vikings.

Week 13: WIN. Teddy Bridgewater comes up short and Cam beats that ass like …I don't even need to finish the joke

Week 14: LOSS. We can't overcome the Saints* in the fart dome, which becomes one of their three remaining wins.

Week 15: WIN. The Bucs are the Bucs.

Week 16: WIN. The Browns surge but fall short.

Week 17: WIN. Melvin White seals it with another pick-six on TJ Yates, filling in for the late Matt Ryan.

 

 

Panthers win the division at 9-6-1.

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