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Staying together for the sake of the kids?

Happy Panther

By Happy Panther,
in Huddle Lounge

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

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the ancient greeks believed that happiness comes not from visceral, temporal sensory stimulation and euphoria, all of which fade, sometimes immediately, and are in constant need of replenishment to maintain that state. rather, was the conventional wisdom, happiness comes from the whole of a life well lived: from the things one has done, the friendships nurtured, from the legacy one has left for himself. somewhere along the line, happiness has become a short-term moment, in need of constant repetition, rather than a long-term, constantly-constructed life element.

 

i have found this to be personally inspiring, as a person who often ponders the fickleness of happiness and the fleeting nature of joy. i am often a discontented man, but this understand has informed much of my worldview and fueled my life's plans.

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cookinwithgas Veteran

cookinwithgas

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Opinion:

 

If you are fighting all the time its not good for the kids and you should split as amicably as possible.

 

If you get along fine, with happy kids, but just "want more" or are "bored" then you are most likely going to be punishing your kids for your happiness when you split, then overcompensating by buying them things etc, which is not a great way to raise a selfless kid. If you only have a few years to go, my opinion is you finish the job, raise that kid, then deal.

 

My ex split with me after 19 years because "she's been married since she was 19 and wanted something different" and although our split was really as smooth as could be expected, I know it affected my then 15 year old daughter a lot - in some ways we grew closer since she lived with me a majority of the time from when she was 15 to 18, but it affected our ability to work together to push college choices, friend issues, and such and I truly regret that. Yeah there was not much going on with us since she and I had nothing we liked to do together (she HATED going to football games) but I could have held out a few more years no problem and was always wanting her to get out and do more.

 

To me it's all about the kids once you have them. It's both your jobs to raise them so suck it up unless there is truly an unlivable situation,

 

PS my daughter LOVES going to the games so I WON THE SPLIT ;-}

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pstall Newbie

pstall

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the ancient greeks believed that happiness comes not from visceral, temporal sensory stimulation and euphoria, all of which fade, sometimes immediately, and are in constant need of replenishment to maintain that state. rather, was the conventional wisdom, happiness comes from the whole of a life well lived: from the things one has done, the friendships nurtured, from the legacy one has left for himself. somewhere along the line, happiness has become a short-term moment, in need of constant repetition, rather than a long-term, constantly-constructed life element.

i have found this to be personally inspiring, as a person who often ponders the fickleness of happiness and the fleeting nature of joy. i am often a discontented man, but this understand has informed much of my worldview and fueled my life's plans.

I can relate. I have learned you dont pursue happiness but rather you make the most of what you have.

On the flipside this where I think guys like you and I get wacky. We have a huge lust for life and just want to go.

At times I almost too curious about so much.

Every Sun evening I get this mild gnawing feeling I didnt do enough with my time off. I always want more or to do more. Its a constant battle for me.

Im a gigantic free spirit dreamer whose heads always in clouds.

Approaching 20 yrs of marriage I wrestle between boredom and adventure and at the same time know sometimes love doesn't have to be gooey fuzzys. So putting the kids first may be the best solution of a tough spot. But each couple is dif.

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Davidson Deac II Grand Master

Davidson Deac II

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the ancient greeks believed that happiness comes not from visceral, temporal sensory stimulation and euphoria, all of which fade, sometimes immediately, and are in constant need of replenishment to maintain that state. rather, was the conventional wisdom, happiness comes from the whole of a life well lived: from the things one has done, the friendships nurtured, from the legacy one has left for himself. somewhere along the line, happiness has become a short-term moment, in need of constant repetition, rather than a long-term, constantly-constructed life element.

 

i have found this to be personally inspiring, as a person who often ponders the fickleness of happiness and the fleeting nature of joy. i am often a discontented man, but this understand has informed much of my worldview and fueled my life's plans.

 

If you read the history of the ancient Greeks, they didn't seem very happy.  They were always arguing and fighting amongst themselves, sometimes over the most trivial of things. 

 

IMO, what constitutes happiness is different for every one of us.  For me, I have learned to be satisfied with what I have, and not concern myself with what I don't have.  For a friend of mine, the pursuit of things makes him happy, or at least satisfied.  In his early years, it was the pursuit of women mostly, which lead to a lot of broken relationships.  Now that he is older, its the pursuit of material things, or of personal accomplishments (a more healthy goal :)).  While he won't admit it, it is the actual challenge of the pursuit that he enjoys.  When he gets what he wanted, he gets quickly bored with it and moves on to the next challenge. 

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Davidson Deac II Grand Master

Davidson Deac II

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As to the OP's question, imo that depends on the situation.  If you can get along with your spouse, even if you are not in love any more, then by all means, attempt to stay together.  But constant and continuous fighting, or having affairs, always being out without each other, etc... is not a healthy thing for kids to be around. 

 

 

This is why its important to either have or develop a close friendship with your significant other.  My wife and I are over 50 now, so the sexual desire is not what it once was, but she has become my closest friend and confidant, and the person I trust most in the world.  I can't imagine my life without her. 

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thefuzz Mentor

thefuzz

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If it's ugly, move on, and try to explain to the kid as well as possible.

 

If you can live together, and "fake it till you make it" I think that would be the better route.

 

 

My opinion, I think that womenz, and to a lesser extent men want to have kids far too early in their lives.  Quite a few of my friends did the:  Meet in college, graduate, get a decent job, get married, have kids.  All within a few years of meeting.

 

I think that you change who you are so much between the ages of 20 and 30 that this is a pretty bad idea.

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hepcat Grand Master

hepcat

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I think in the end you have to do what's best for YOU.  What's best for you IS what's best for your kids.  If you stay with someone "for the sake of the kids" but you are unhappy, that will have a negative effect on your kids.  You are responsible for your happiness and if you are happy, your kids will end up happier too.  If you can manage to stay positive and happy with your spouse and it doesn't effect the kids, then staying might be the right solution.  But if you're unhappy, it could be worse for you AND the kids if you try to stay.  Just my .02...

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